1. People
    2.  › 
  2. Woody Harrelson
Woody Harrelson photo

Woody Harrelson Quotes

Total quotes: 64
“The world can really kick your ass. I only have a VAGUE recollection of when it wasn’t kickin’ mine.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Kick Ass
“Man in bowling alley: Come on, boy. Bowl!

Roy: The name’s not boy. It’s Roy. [makes a spare] Roy Munson.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Bowling
“Take that, you freaky piece of shit. You don’t mow another guy’s lawn.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Piece of Shit, coveting thy neighbor's wife
“That coffee wasn’t even hot. [takes a sip of coffee] Now, that’s hot.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Hot Coffee
“Roy: Just because you’re familiar with the missionary position doesn’t make you a missionary.

Claudia: Look, Mr. Munster, you’re not exactly the smartest guy I ever ran across.

Roy: Oh yeah? And who are you, Alfred Einstein?”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: MIssionary Position, missionary
“Roy: [Whispering so as not to awake Claudia, whom he means to leave behind] Just be quiet.

[as Ishmael whispers ‘okay,’ Roy trips and falls]

Roy: Ooh! I think I tore my sac.

Ishmael: [loudly] Are you okay, Mr. Munson?

Roy: Shh! What did I just say?

Ishmael: Uh, ‘I think I tore my sac’?”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: tiptoeing, Slapstick
“Roy: What about a gross of fluorescent condoms for the novelty machine in the men’s room? I mean, those are fun even when you’re alone.

Lancaster Bowl Manager: Yeah.

Roy: You get it?

Lancaster Bowl Manager: [impatiently, trying to read his Asian Brides magazine] Yeah!

Roy: This is like the hula hoop of the nineties. People go nuts!

Lancaster Bowl Manager: No! Look, we don’t even have a novelty machine in the men’s room anymore.

Roy: And you call this a bowling alley?”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Bowling Alley, fluorescent condoms, Asian Brides, novelty machine
“Ishmael: You been drinking, Mr. Munson?

Roy: I don’t puke when I drink. I puke when I don’t.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Drinking, puking
“McKnight Bowl Bartender: So, you two are dictionary salesmen?

Roy: You would be punctilious in assuming that.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Dictionary, Punctilious
“ESPN Announcer: So Roy, where have you been for the last fifteen years?

Roy: Well, I uh, well, ya see, I uh...drinking. Lot a drinking.

ESPN Announcer: I see. Well, are you still drinking?

Roy: No. I uh...I put...uh...why, you buying?”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Alcoholism
“Mr. Boorg: How many children do you have, Brother Hezekiah?

Roy: Uh, none that I know of. [Adopting a terrible Irish accent] What I mean to say is, I was, uh, wee, I’m unable to have children. Nasty cheese gratin’ accident as a young man.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Infertility
“Neighbor: Roy, can you get sick drinkin’ piss?

Roy: I think you can.

Neighbor: Even if it’s your own?”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Urine, Drinking Urine, Piss
“Ishmael: [after losing a game] Mr. Munson, you all right?

Roy: [calmly] Ish, uh, what happened in there?

Ishmael: Well, I don’t know. Um, I thought I played pretty good. Uh, he’s just a little better than me, that’s all.

Roy: Pretty good, huh? 186.

[loses his cool]

Roy: You lost to a club player! What—that’s not supposed to happen! You’re carrying a 270 average!

Ishmael: Wh-wh-wh-what do you expect? I mean, you guys with your 10 frames.

Roy: [angrily] What do you mean, ‘you guys with your 10 frames’?

Ishmael: Well, my grandpa always taught me to bowl 15 frames. It’s like I told you before, we Amish, we do everything half again as hard as you do. Ten frames. [scoffs] That’s for Quakers.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Bowling, Amish, Quakers
“Ishmael: Okay, you want to bowl for some big money, eh? But I’ll lose my entire bonus check because I’m so bombed.

McKnight Bowl Bartender: You get that way from ginger ale?

Roy: Nah, he was sniffing glue in the parking lot.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Bowling, Sniffing Glue, Drunk, Bombing
“Roy: Yeah, sure, Thomas can raise a barn, but can he pick up a 7-10 split?

Ishmael: God blessed my brother to be a good carpenter. It’s okay.

Roy: Yeah, well, he blessed you, too, and I’ll give you a clue what it is. It’s round, it has three holes, and you stick your fingers into it.

Ishmael: [He points his finger into Roy’s face] You leave Rebecca out of this, mister!

Roy: I’m talking about bowling! Your future.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Bowling, Future
“WHO YOU CALLIN’ A PSYCHO?”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: psycho
“Ishmael: You really should try to quit, Mr. Munson. They say it’s bad for your heart, your lungs. It quickens the aging process.

Roy: Is that right? Who’s done more research on the subject than the good people at the American tobacco industry? They say it’s harmless. Why would they lie? If you’re dead, you can’t smoke.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: smoking, Tobacco, Lungs, heart
“Ishmael: Whatcha doin’, Mr. Munson?

Roy: Flossin’.

Ishmael: Flossin? Where’d I get ‘Munson’ from?

Roy: The name is Munson, what I’m doin’ is flossin’, this is called floss, cleans your teeth, you oughta try it sometime.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: flossin'
“Roy: Hey, I hope you don’t mind—I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one. Then, POW, all at once.

[Takes a drink from the bucket]

Mr. Boorg: We don’t have a cow. We have a bull.

Roy: I’ll brush my teeth.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Cow, bull, semen, milk
“In Mexico, you know what they call Twinkies? ‘Los submarinos.’”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Twinkies, Mexico
“You’ve got a pretty mouth. [hits a zombie with a banjo]”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Deliverance, Pretty Mouth
“Hop in the car, Evel Knievel. Let’s go ride the rollercoaster.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Evel Knievel, Rollercoaster
“Tallahassee: Wow, these fellas really let themselves go.

Columbus: And they’re so fat.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: slovenly, fat, Redundant
“Come on! Anybody hungry? Tallahassee’s nice this time of year.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Hungry, tallahassee
“[Upon finding a Hummer filled with rifles] Thank God for rednecks.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Rednecks
“Hey, a little help with movin’ the couch. We’re makin’ a fort.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: couch, Fort
“Where are the fucking Twinkies?”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Twinkies, Fucking, Exasperation
“Have you ever read that book ‘She’s Just Not That Into You’?”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Books, Reading, she's just not that into you
“[turning to Columbus, Wichita, and Little Rock after a zombie kill] What do you think? ‘Zombie Kill of the Week’?”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Zombie Kill
“[to Columbus] You can do anything you want to a man, but do not fuck with his Cadillac.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Fuck, Cadillac
“Wichita: [playing Monopoly] Ooh! Free parking...

Little Rock: Yeah.

Wichita: —which coincidentally is the best thing about Zombieland.

Columbus: You want to know the best thing about Z-land? No—no Facebook status updates. You know, Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday. Who cares?

Tallahassee: The best thing is no more flushing. Epic.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Monopoly, Facebook, epic, flush
“There’s a box of Twinkies in that grocery store. Not just any box of Twinkies—the last box of Twinkies that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe. Believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date. Some day very soon, life’s little Twinkie gauge is gonna go...empty.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Twinkies, Expiration Date, Universe
“Columbus: Hey, for fuck’s sake, enough already! We are being chased by ravenous freaks. Like we don’t have enough problems. Oh, they stole my Hummer. Oh, we have trust issues. Well, get over it! We can’t just fucking drive down the road playing I Spy or some shit for two hours like four normal-ass Americans? Fuck me.

Tallahassee: Whoa.

Columbus: I know.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Fuck, Shit, Trust, ass, Hummer, I Spy
“Columbus: [in voiceover] You see, he was in the ass-kicking business and...

Tallahassee: [Tallahassee, in flashback, rounds corner holding two chainsaws and wearing a welding mask, flips mask up] ...business is good.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Ass-Kicking, Business
“Here’s the deal: I’m not easy to get along with, and I’m sensing you’re a bit of a bitch.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Bitch, difficult
“Bill Murray: You are staring at me. It’s a hairpiece! It’s a piece.

Wichita: It’s—I’m sorry. No, it’s just that you look remarkably like Eddie Van Halen.

Bill Murray: I just saw Eddie Van Halen.

Wichita: Nuh-uh.

Tallahassee: Really?

Bill Murray: Yeah.

Wichita: Wow.

Tallahassee: Where?

Bill Murray: The Hollywood Bowl.

Tallahassee: And how was he?

Bill Murray: He’s a zombie.

Wichita: Aw. Tough break.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Eddie Van Halen, Bill Murray, Hollywood Bowl, Zombie, hairpiece
“Columbus: You know there’s a place untouched by all this crap?

Tallahassee: Back East, yeah?

Columbus: Yeah. Yeah. You heard the same thing?

Tallahassee: Out west, we hear it’s back East. Back east, they hear it’s out West. It’s all just nonsense. You know, you’re like a penguin on the North Pole who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of the year.

Columbus: There are no penguins on the North Pole.

Tallahassee: You wanna feel how hard I can punch?”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: east, West, North Pole, Penguins, South Pole
“Columbus: Are you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody else’s story?

Tallahassee: No. I knew a guy way worse at that than me.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: one-upmanship
“[Searching for Twinkies] Where are you, you spongy, yellow, delicious bastards?”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Twinkie, Spongy, yellow, Delicious, Bastards
“Tallahassee: Bill Murray, you’re a zombie? [Wichita hits Bill in his back with a golf club]

Bill Murray: [cries in pain] Ow, I’m on fire! Ouch!

Tallahassee: You’re not a zombie, you’re talking and...you’re okay?

Bill Murray: The hell I am.

Wichita: I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was...it was ‘you’ you.

Tallahassee: Are you...? What’s with the get-up?

Bill Murray: Oh, I do it to blend in. You know. Zombies don’t mess with other zombies. Buddy of mine, makeup guy, he showed me how to do this. Corn starch. You know, some berries, a little licorice for the ladies. Suits my lifestyle, you know. I like to get out and do stuff. Just played nine holes on the Riviera. Just walked on. Nobody there.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: zombies, Pain, zombie makeup
loading next page...