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Billy Madison Quotes

“Billy Madison: Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really.

[Notices gold swan on edge of tub]

Billy Madison: Stop looking at me, swan.”
— Billy Madison, Billy Madison
Tagged: Shampoo, Conditioner
“No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I’m here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the chlorophyll.”
— Billy Madison, Billy Madison
Tagged: chlorophyll, Making Out
“Billy Madison: [Veronica has taken Billy out of the classroom after making fun of the kid trying to read My Sister Fanny] OW! You’re tearing my ear off.

[Sits down on chair]

Veronica Vaughn: [scolding Billy in the hallway] Making fun of a little kid for trying to read. Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul?

Billy Madison: I’m sorry I can’t hear you. I’ve been physically abused in the ear.

Veronica Vaughn: You keep your mouth shut for the next two weeks or I’m going to fail you. End of story.

[Goes back into classroom]

Billy Madison: I see your lips moving but I can’t make out the words. I’m deaf. Oh Veronica Vaughn so hot want to touch the heinie.

[Howls like a wolf]

Billy Madison: Arrroooooooo!”
— Billy Madison, Billy Madison
Tagged: psycho, reading time, interruptions, howling
“Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I’m not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don’t get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.”
— Billy Madison, Billy Madison
Tagged: back to school
“Lunch Lady: Have some more sloppy joes. I made ‘em extra sloppy for youse. I know how youse kids like ‘em sloppy.

Billy Madison: Lady, you’re scaring us.”
— Billy Madison, Billy Madison
Tagged: sloppy joes, extra sloppy, Scar
“O’Doyle: [Throws the dodgeball at Billy as he walks on to the playground]

Billy Madison: [Catches the ball one-handed] Now you’re all in big, BIG trouble.”
— Billy Madison, Billy Madison
Tagged: dodgeball, big trouble
“Veronica Vaughn: So it’s um, the last day of third grade, and you have the teacher alone in your tent, what do you want to do?

Billy Madison: Well, I can think of three things I’d like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would include a buffalo...

Veronica Vaughn: Really?

Billy Madison: ...live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety’s sake, and three, we bring back some of those ice cubes and switch it over to a pitching wedge.”
— Billy Madison, Billy Madison
Tagged: Buffalo, Ice Cubes
“Billy Madison: I swear to God I’m sick. I can’t go to school.

Juanita: If you’re gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.

Billy Madison: Oh my God. I’ll go to school.”
— Billy Madison, Billy Madison
Tagged: School, calling in sick
“Billy Madison: Well, I made the duck blue because I’d never seen a blue duck before and I wanted to see one.

Miss Lippy: Well, I think it’s an excellent blue duck. Congratulations Billy, you just passed the first grade.

Billy Madison: Wow, Miss Lippy, that’s great. What do you think of that Mr. Blue Duck? [pretending to be duck] That’s quacktastic.”
— Billy Madison, Billy Madison
Tagged: boobs, double dare
“Billy Madison: Hey, I’m trying to score points with the teacher today. DON’T SCREW IT UP.

3rd Grader: I dare you to touch her boobs.

Billy Madison: Touch her boobs? That’s assault, brotha. You double-dare me?

Billy Madison: [walks down the bus to the teacher] Uhhh, Miss Vaughn, I was wondering how long there’s to get there, I need to go to the bathroom.

Veronica Vaughn: Not too long now...

[Billy pretends to fall on her, while groping her]

Billy Madison: Oh, I’m sorry! Damn bus driver drives like an animal!

Veronica Vaughn: That’s all right, Billy, why don’t you go back and sit now? [smiling] I double dare you.

Billy Madison: [Stuttering] That...tit...accident...

Veronica Vaughn: Go back to your seat now.

Billy Madison: ...I...Yes...

[looking embarrassed now]”
— Billy Madison, Billy Madison
Tagged: boobs, double dare
“Brian Madison: You remember that spelling bee you won in the 1st grade?

Billy Madison: Oh no, you didn’t.

Brian Madison: Rock? ‘r-o-k’?

Billy Madison: Yea, so what’s your point?

Brian Madison: r-o-C-k!

Billy Madison: Ohh! The ‘C’ is silent.”
— Billy Madison, Billy Madison
Tagged: spelling bee
“Kid: Mortal Kombat, on Sega Genesis, is the best video game ever.

Billy Madison: I disagree, it’s a very good game, but I think Donkey Kong is the best game ever.

Kid: Donkey Kong sucks.

Billy Madison: You know something? YOU SUCK!”
— Billy Madison, Billy Madison
Tagged: Mortal Kombat, Sega Genesis, Gaming, Donkey Kong, you suck
“3rd Grader: How’s high school, Billy?

Billy Madison: High school is great. I mean I’m learning a lot. And all the kids are treating me very nice. It’s great.

3rd Grader: Gee, I can’t wait till I get to ‘hike’ school.

Billy Madison: [grabs 3rd grader’s face and whispers] Don’t you say that. Don’t you ever say that. Stay here. Stay here as long as you can. For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it.”
— Billy Madison, Billy Madison
Tagged: high school, Learning, Threats
“3rd Grader: Wa-wa-wa-once th-th-th-there wa-wa-wa-was a-a-a-a g-g-girl.

Billy Madison: Kid can’t even read.

Ernie: Cut it out, dude, you’re gonna get us in trouble.

Billy Madison: T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR!”
— Billy Madison, Billy Madison
Tagged: Stuttering, bullying
“Bus Driver: That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ace, I know from experience, dude. If you know what I mean.

Billy Madison: No, you don’t.

Bus Driver: Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her got it on. Wooo-eee!

Billy Madison: No, they didn’t.

Bus Driver: No, no, no they didn’t. But you could imagine what it’d be like if they did, right...? Everybody on, good, great, grand, wonderful.

[shouts]

Bus Driver: No yelling on the bus!”
— Billy Madison, Billy Madison
Tagged: Slut, Yelling
“Frank: Who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?

Billy Madison: Jack Nicholson now, or 1974?

Frank: ‘74.

Billy Madison: Meg Ryan.”
— Billy Madison, Billy Madison
Tagged: Jack Nicholson, Meg Ryan, boning, 1974
“Principal: Mr. Madison, the Industrial Revolution changed the face of the modern novel forever. Discuss, citing specific examples.

[Billy clears his throat several times]

Billy Madison: Uh...OK. The Industrial Revolution to me is just like a story I know called ‘The Puppy Who Lost His Way.’ The world was changing, and the puppy was getting...bigger. [later] So, you see, the puppy was like industry. In that, they were both lost in the woods. And nobody, especially the little boy—‘society’—knew where to find ‘em. Except that the puppy was a dog. But the industry, my friends, that was a revolution.

[Long pause]

Billy Madison: Knibb High football rules!

[the crowd erupts into cheers]

Principal: Mr. Madison, what you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Billy Madison: Okay, a simple ‘wrong’ would’ve done just fine.”
— Billy Madison, Billy Madison
Tagged: Idiotic, insane, rambling, Incoherent
“[to Miss Lippy] Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don’t like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn’t put posters up or anything; he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy’s gotta think ‘You got a pet. You got a responsibility.’ If your dog gets lost you don’t look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog.”
— Billy Madison, Billy Madison
Tagged: Little Boy, dog, Fucking, pet
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