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  3. The Beach Bum

The Beach Bum Quotes

“You know what I like the most about being rich? You can just be horrible to people and they just have to take it.”
— Lewis, The Beach Bum
Tagged: rich, Snobby
“It's prime mating season. Seaweed is an aphrodisiac.”
— Captain Wack, The Beach Bum
Tagged: Mating Season, Seaweed, Aphrodisiac
“Captain Wack: I only had four deaths on my watch.

Moondog: Only four?

Captain Wack: Four deaths in over eight straight years of dolphin touring. It's a terrific record. Now, I've been stripped of my license temporarily on five separate occasions but each time, I get it reinstated due to a technicality I never quite understood.”
— Captain Wack, The Beach Bum
Tagged: Death, Dolphins
“ Now, what he failed to mention, that these dolphins have got a sort of corkscrew pecker. A little, whippy, winding ranky-cank thing. It's true, kids. It's sort of like a corkscrew. And it's orgy season. So hopefully, we will get to see something, some real wild stuff. Everybody's fucking, they're really horny this time of the season.”
— Captain Wack, The Beach Bum
Tagged: Pecker, corkscrew, Orgy, Fucking, Horny
“Don't fuck with Captain Whack. You will get whacked for fucking with Captain Whack.”
— Captain Wack, The Beach Bum
Tagged: Fuck, Fucking
“Fuck! I must've been high as a motherfucker when I hatched that plan.”
— Lingerie, The Beach Bum
Tagged: Fuck, Motherfucker, high
“I love it when a plan comes together.”
— Lingerie, The Beach Bum
Tagged: serendipity
“I don't want you to put a penny of that stuff in the bank. You know, I don't trust those Illuminati motherfuckers.”
— Moondog, The Beach Bum
Tagged: illuminati, savings account, banks, Motherfuckers
“Lewis: I'm not even upset, even a little bit, that I was not included in the ceremonies.

Moondog: Oh, you thought you'd be included?

Lewis: No, well, like I said, I'm busy, anyway, so like I said, I'm not offended. And I just want to be clear, this doesn't have to do... with the incident a few years back.

Moondog: Oh, when you walked in and saw that...

Lewis: I didn't know she was changing.

Moondog: She said you stayed a little longer than a few seconds.

Lewis: Well, I used to mix signals back then. It was a confusing time. I would misread things often.”
— Moondog, The Beach Bum
Tagged: Busy, offended, peep show, Naked, voyeur
“I get all these things going, man, and they are all turning me on. And my wires are connecting upstairs and I start to hear music in my head. You know, and the world is reverberating back and forth and I hit the frequency and I start to dance to it. My fingers get moving, my head gets soupy, I'm spinning all over the fucking place, and the fucking words come out.”
— Moondog, The Beach Bum
Tagged: Fucking, dizzy, Dancing
“Moondog: Keep the pool hot.

Jose the Pool Boy: I put it on 120 for you.

Moondog: That's what I'm talking about. Keep it there, baby, and add the chlorine. Cause I may have a gang bang when I get back. I'll invite your mother.

Jose the Pool Boy: Thank you, Mr. Moondog.”
— Moondog, The Beach Bum
Tagged: chlorine, gang bang, Swimming Pool
“Moondog: Give me a lucky lotto triple seven and a cigar, would you?

Cash Register Guy: Sure.

Moondog: You don't sell acid, do you?

Cash Register Guy: No...

Moondog: That's too bad, man. This place used to.”
— Moondog, The Beach Bum
Tagged: Lotto, LSD
“Moondog: If I may suggest, your honor, I was told about this amazing rehab facility in the Virgin Islands that's got an open bar and 24 hour time massage. A little 'jerky-jerk' to take the edge off you in the detox period. Drain the old jizz pipe with the anti-toxins.

Judge: Excuse me?

Moondog: All due respect to my own personal fluid transition into my sobriety, I want to let you know the therapeutic value of a groin massage during the acute withdrawal phase is off the charts fucking medicinal!

Judge: It's not gonna happen!”
— Moondog, The Beach Bum
Tagged: virgin islands, Jizz Pipe, Detox, rehab, jerky-jerk
“It's about time you guys got here, I need help carrying my luggage!”
— Moondog, The Beach Bum
Tagged: Luggage, Lazy
“I got to feed my coke addicted parrot.”
— Captain Wack, The Beach Bum
Tagged: Parrots on Drugs
“Life is a fucking rodeo, and I’m going to suck the nectar out of it and fuck it raw until the wheels come off.”
— Moondog, The Beach Bum
Tagged: Yolo, Carpe Diem
“Wish me luck. I'm off to write the next great American novel. I'm going have a gangbang when I get back, I'll invite your mother. ”
— Moondog, The Beach Bum
Tagged: Great American Novel
“One day I will swallow up the world.”
— Moondog, The Beach Bum
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