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Conan O'Brien Quotes

Total quotes: 59
“Your perceived failure can become the catalyst for profound reinvention.”
— Conan O'Brien, Conan O'Brien's 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Address
Tagged: The Obstacle Is The Way, Failure, From Failure to Success, Inspirational
“One’s dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course.”
— Conan O'Brien, Conan O'Brien's 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Address
“To my fellow hikers: that noise I made when the butterfly came toward my face was a terrified shriek of delight.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Nature, Hiking, Butterflies
“I just saw a Dumbledore, a Gandalf, and a Doctor Strange make a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos disappear!”
— Conan O'Brien
Tagged: Magic, humor, doritos, Snacking
“I love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Birds, Nature, Morning
“The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Singing, bathrooms, Laws
“I thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful, but that is not true. No specific job or career goal defines me; and it should not define you.”
— Conan O'Brien, Conan O'Brien's 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Address
“There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realised.”
— Conan O'Brien, Conan O'Brien's 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Address
“It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique.”
— Conan O'Brien, Conan O'Brien's 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Address
“Whatever you think your dream is now, it will probably change. And that’s okay.”
— Conan O'Brien, Conan O'Brien's 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Address
“When I'm on the freeway I can't help but honk at the a-holes who don't like my violent, unpredictable driving.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Driving, violent, Unpredictable
“The days are getting shorter, but do they have to compensate by acting like assholes?”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Time, Days, Funny
“If the object of tennis is to hit the ball into the net and swear a lot, I’m very, very good.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: tennis, Sports, athletic
“At drive-thrus, I order in a British accent but pay in a French accent. Someday they’ll ask “Where's the British guy?” but so far not yet.””
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: british, french, Fast Food, accents
“They say the Verizon guy switched to Sprint but if you watch the commercial he mouths the words: 'Verizon, I’m sorry, they have my family.'”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Verizon, sprint, Cell Phones
“If Calvin Harris can’t make it work with Taylor Swift, what hope do any of us chiseled, 6’6” DJs have?””
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Taylor Swift, calvin harris, Attractive, breakup
“So if I don't get caught it's a 'free sample' and if I do get caught it's 'stolen property, please come with me, sir?' Real double standard.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Free, stolen, double standard
“Open Tweet to Justin Bieber: You’re starting to make us teen heartthrobs look bad.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Justin Bieber, teenager, heartthrob
“Every time I see a newborn, I'm reminded of how rare and beautiful it is to look into the face of someone who's never heard of Trump.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Donald Trump, babies, newborn, Election
“Right before I die, if my life flashes before my eyes, I hope there aren't 30 second ads before each section.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Death, advertisements, Dying
“I always keep a giant-brimmed ladies’ hat ready, in case I ever need to sit in back of an auction house and mysteriously place a winning bid.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: auction, Mystery, Money
“Now that the Olympics are over, I can get back to comparing my body to the athletes on World Series of Poker.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Body Image, athletes, muscles, poker
“Upon death, instead of having my whole life flash before my eyes, I just want to watch Season 3 of The Sopranos again.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Television, Death, sopranos
“If you wear a visor for longer than 3 minutes, you’re legally required to change your name to Trey.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: hats, Summer, clothing
“My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Children, Parenting, Siblings
“I’m waiting for them to invent a pleasure robot that’s so lifelike, it won’t have sex with me.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Sex Tweets, Robots, realistic
“If you scream in fake German for 30 seconds, at least one of those made up words will be the name of a German pastry.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: German, Language, food
“Kids today learn about sex and Alexander Hamilton much sooner than I did.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Sex, Children, History, broadway
“I always bring my baseball glove to the ballpark, just in case a falcon wants to land on my hand.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: baseball, Birds, Sports
“Had a dream where evil space creatures intent on destroying humankind land, watch us for a few days, shrug, then take off.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Dreams, Evil, Aliens
“Can someone please pass the ketchup? (one of my 21 million followers HAS to be in this diner)”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: food, eating, Hunger
“Waiting at the vet’s office for my dog to get his shots. Might let the guy in the beard of wasps go ahead of me.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Animals, vet, dog
“I've noticed that men who tell women to "smile more" rarely comply when politely asked to "exist less."”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Smile, Men, Women, Sexist
“I hate it when adults try to relate to youth using slang. Guess that’s what makes me a woke bae.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: slang, adults, Children
“I don’t take my career for granted, which is why every April I renew my commercial crab fisherman’s license.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Career, back up plan, Fishing
“Fiji and I used to have the same number of Olympic gold medals. Touché, Fiji.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: olympics, fiji, Success
“I know Stan Lee loves making unexpected cameos, but I was pretty surprised to find him in my shower this morning.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: stan lee, Movies, comic con
“It’s tough this year. I’m worried Hillary’s a liar, and I’m worried Trump’s not.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Election, Lies
“Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Anyway, I think you fractured my clavicle and I am going to sue.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Pick Up Lines, Health, Injury
“Been checking Twitter every five minutes, but thank God, so far @realdonaldtrump hasn't mentioned my facelift.”
— Conan O'Brien
Tagged: Sarcasm, Funny Dating Tips, comedy
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