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Conan O'Brien Quotes

Total quotes: 58
“I just saw a Dumbledore, a Gandalf, and a Doctor Strange make a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos disappear!”
— Conan O'Brien
Tagged: Magic, humor, doritos, Snacking
“Been checking Twitter every five minutes, but thank God, so far @realdonaldtrump hasn't mentioned my facelift.”
— Conan O'Brien
Tagged: Sarcasm, Funny Dating Tips, comedy
“Whatever you think your dream is now, it will probably change. And that’s okay.”
— Conan O'Brien, Conan O'Brien's 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Address
“I thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful, but that is not true. No specific job or career goal defines me; and it should not define you.”
— Conan O'Brien, Conan O'Brien's 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Address
“It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique.”
— Conan O'Brien, Conan O'Brien's 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Address
“One’s dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course.”
— Conan O'Brien, Conan O'Brien's 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Address
“There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realised.”
— Conan O'Brien, Conan O'Brien's 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Address
“I’m waiting for them to invent a pleasure robot that’s so lifelike, it won’t have sex with me.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Sex Tweets, Robots, realistic
“Given current weather trends, a Sharknado is a distinct possibility.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: sharknado, Movies, Weather, Rain
“Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Anyway, I think you fractured my clavicle and I am going to sue.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Pick Up Lines, Health, Injury
“Finally saw Silence of the Lambs. Not that funny.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: silence of the lambs, Movies, comedy
“Is it possible for a grown man to be body shamed by his own mirror?”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: body shaming, Mirror, ugly
“Every time I see a newborn, I'm reminded of how rare and beautiful it is to look into the face of someone who's never heard of Trump.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Donald Trump, babies, newborn, Election
“Not only have I already purchased a gravesite, I visit it often and whisper, 'Soon, soon shall I sleep.'”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Death, Dying, graveyard
“There is a new exercise called “Rage Yoga” that encourages people to swear in between poses. Or as I call that, 'yoga.'”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: yoga, Cursing, Exercise
“This morning, someone recognized me on the street and said, 'I’m a huge fan of your effort.'”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Effort, fan, Work
“Every generation just wants their kids to have a better “Spiderman” reboot than they did.””
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: spiderman, reboot, Movies
“Playing that drinking game where you open a bottle of wine.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Wine, Drinking, Alcohol
“You never learn that someone is a vegan from a third party.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Vegan, bragging, food
“A sadist enjoys hurting other people, a masochist goes camping.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: sadist, masochist, camping
“I consider a hostile work environment any office that has a Karaoke Night.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: karaoke, Career, Work
“The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Singing, bathrooms, Laws
“Open Tweet to Justin Bieber: You’re starting to make us teen heartthrobs look bad.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Justin Bieber, teenager, heartthrob
“I hate it when adults try to relate to youth using slang. Guess that’s what makes me a woke bae.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: slang, adults, Children
“I've noticed that men who tell women to "smile more" rarely comply when politely asked to "exist less."”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Smile, Men, Women, Sexist
“So if I don't get caught it's a 'free sample' and if I do get caught it's 'stolen property, please come with me, sir?' Real double standard.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Free, stolen, double standard
“I watch RuPaul’s Drag Race to learn how to unhook a bra.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: rupaul's drag race, bra, Television
“It’s tough this year. I’m worried Hillary’s a liar, and I’m worried Trump’s not.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Election, Lies
“Waiting at the vet’s office for my dog to get his shots. Might let the guy in the beard of wasps go ahead of me.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Animals, vet, dog
“If Calvin Harris can’t make it work with Taylor Swift, what hope do any of us chiseled, 6’6” DJs have?””
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Taylor Swift, calvin harris, Attractive, breakup
“Can someone please pass the ketchup? (one of my 21 million followers HAS to be in this diner)”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: food, eating, Hunger
“To my fellow hikers: that noise I made when the butterfly came toward my face was a terrified shriek of delight.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Nature, Hiking, Butterflies
“Getting asked to be Trump’s running mate is the new jury duty.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Donald Trump, Election, jury duty
“They say the Verizon guy switched to Sprint but if you watch the commercial he mouths the words: 'Verizon, I’m sorry, they have my family.'”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Verizon, sprint, Cell Phones
“At drive-thrus, I order in a British accent but pay in a French accent. Someday they’ll ask “Where's the British guy?” but so far not yet.””
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: british, french, Fast Food, accents
“I know Stan Lee loves making unexpected cameos, but I was pretty surprised to find him in my shower this morning.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: stan lee, Movies, comic con
“I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that I’ve got great news. The bad news is that I don’t know what adjectives are.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: adjectives, Words, english
“My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Children, Parenting, Siblings
“Had a dream where evil space creatures intent on destroying humankind land, watch us for a few days, shrug, then take off.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Dreams, Evil, Aliens
“I always bring my baseball glove to the ballpark, just in case a falcon wants to land on my hand.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: baseball, Birds, Sports
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