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Cosmo Kramer Quotes

Total quotes: 103
“Kramer: You know you’re not supposed to brush your teeth for 24 hours before you go to the dentist.

Jerry: I think you’re thinking of ‘You’re not supposed to eat 24 hours before surgery.’

Kramer: Oh, you gotta eat before surgery. You need your strength.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Jimmy
Tagged: Surgery, Brushing Teeth, strength
“If you’re not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Kiss Hello
Tagged: East Side, Civil Society
“You ever dream in 3-D? It’s like the bogeyman is coming RIGHT AT YOU.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Gymnast
Tagged: 3-D, Dreams, Bogeyman
“Kramer: You’re  wasting your life.

George: I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I’m living my life.

Kramer: OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?

George: No.

Kramer: You got money?

George: No.

Kramer: Do you have a woman?

George: No.

Kramer: Do you have any prospects?

George: No.

Kramer: You got anything on the horizon?

George: Uh, no.

Kramer: Do you have any action at all?

George: No.

Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?

George: I like to get the Daily News.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Keys
Tagged: plans, Dreams, Prospects, hopes, Horizon
“Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished squeal of Pigman cries out!”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Bris
Tagged: Pigman, Squeal, hospital, Anguished
“Moles—freckles' ugly cousin.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Slicer
Tagged: Moles, Freckles, Ugly Cousin, Melanoma
“Kramer: You’re becoming one of the glitterati.

George: What’s that?

Kramer: People who glitter.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Race
Tagged: Glitterati
“Audrey: It’s amazing how many beautiful women live in New York. I actually find it kind of intimidating.

Kramer: Well, you’re just as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Nose Job
Tagged: Nose Job, New York, Bluntless, Too Honest
“Jerry. It's L.A. Nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Finale
Tagged: LA, Los Angeles, Whore
“Uh, yes, most likely, yes. I'm, uh, H. E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. And, um, yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Puerto Rican Day
Tagged: Wealth, Industrialist, Philanthropy
“Hey, I'm on first and first. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Maid
Tagged: Universe, lost, Directions
“The haunting memories of lost love. May I? Lights? Our eyes met across the crowded hat store. I, a customer, and she a coquettish haberdasher. Oh, I pursued and she withdrew, then she pursued and I withdrew, and so we danced. I burned for her, much like the burning during urination that I would experience soon afterwards.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Burning
Tagged: Acting Class, Medical Students, Gonorrhea, Urination
“What do I need to talk for…ha!...For to blab to the neighbors about George has a new fem-Jerry friend or to tell everybody at the coffee shop how George is all mixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam of some girl and his best friend?”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Cartoon
Tagged: Androgyny, Repression, Gossip
“Hey, Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing around in his coat with his purse. Yup, he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Reverse Peephole
Tagged: Dandy, Effeminacy, Man Purses
“I've seen moles so big they have their own moles. Freckles that cover two men.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Slicer
Tagged: Dermatology, Moles, Freckles
“Oh yeah, you've got three pints of Kramer in you, buddy.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Blood
Tagged: Blood Transfusions
“Jerry, I know myself. If I'm out on the street and it starts to go down, I don't back off until it's finished.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Blood
Tagged: Blood, Street Fights, Combativeness
“Because they're terrified of her. I heard from someone that when they cut one of her lines, she climbed up the rope on side of the stage and started dropping lights on people’s heads. Story like that has got to be true.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Summer of George
Tagged: Raquel Welch, Prima Donnas, Divas, Temper, Violence Against Planned Parenthood
“You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. ‘Hey, denty!’ Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada
Tagged: Anti-Dentite, Anti-Semite, Slurs
“Mother Nature's a mad scientist, Jerry.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada
Tagged: Mother Nature, Mad Scientist
“Yeah, because you're perfect. You're a calculating, coldhearted businesswoman. And when there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on a few throats.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Comeback
Tagged: Coldhearted, Dirty Work, Machiavellian, Cutthroat
“I couldn't get there in time to stop it, but you should have seen Little Jerry, Jerry! Flappin' his wings and struttin' his stuff! He was peckin' and weavin' and bobbin' and talkin' trash! He didn't even have to touch him! The other rooster ran out of the ring. The whole fight lasted two seconds.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Little Jerry
Tagged: Cockfighting, Little Jerry Seinfeld, Talking Trash
“Well, I thought they wore gloves and helmets, you know, like ‘American Gladiators.’”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Little Jerry
Tagged: Cockfights, American Gladiators
“Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure...my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Abstinence
Tagged: face, Visage, Livelihood, Vanity
“Of course there's the possibility that you've gone right out of your mind.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Chicken Roaster
Tagged: Insanity
“I can't eat, I can't sleep, all I can see is that giant red sun in the shape of a chicken.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Chicken Roaster
Tagged: Insomnia, Neon, chicken
“See, here, you're just another apple, but in Japan, you're an exotic fruit. Like an orange. Which is rare there.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Checks
Tagged: Japan, orange, Fruit, apples
“That's it, George. Come on, come on. Give it to me. Come on, work it. Work it. Yeah be a man, be a man.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Hawaii Five-0, Season 2: The Package
Tagged: Photo Shoots, Selfies, Erotic Photography, Inhibitions
“It's the timeless art of seduction. You got to join in the dance. She sends you an enticing photo, you send her one right back.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Hawaii Five-0, Season 2: The Package
Tagged: seduction, Selfies
“Well, you know what they say, you don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Bizarro Jerry
Tagged: Sales, Advertising, Steak
“Yeah, don't worry, Jerry. We're right on this guy like stink on a monkey.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Bottle Deposit
Tagged: Chases, stink, Monkey
“Oh, I'm percolating, Jerry. I'm telling you, I have never felt so fertile. I'm mossy, Jerry. My brain is mossy. Listen to this idea: a restaurant that serves only peanut butter and jelly.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Friars Club
Tagged: Percolating, Mossy, fertile, Peanut Butter and Jelly, Sleep Deprivation
“It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Shower Head
Tagged: baths, Bathing, Germophobia, Parasites, Microorganisms
“Look, honey, I know you're trying to get Lloyd to notice you, but this is too much. Parading around in a wet T-shirt.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Gum
Tagged: Wet T-Shirt Contest, seduction
“Now see, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies, sitting around, chewing gum, huh?”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Gum
Tagged: Chewing Gum, Friendship, Holidays, Male Bonding
“There's nothing more pathetic than a grown man who’s afraid of
a woman.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Pool Guy
Tagged: Masculinity, Grown Man, Fear of Women
“You're a man's woman. You hate other women, and they hate you.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Pool Guy
Tagged: Misogyny, Man's Woman, Female Misogyny, Women Hating Women
“He's not a Nazi. He just happens to be a little eccentric. Most geniuses are.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Soup Nazi
Tagged: Soup, Nazis, Soup Nazi, Geniuses, Eccentric People
“It can never be erased. It'll follow us wherever we go for the rest of our lives. I'll never be able to get a job. I mean, doesn't that concern you? Everything I've worked for...down the drain because of one stupid mistake. I mean, aren't we entitled to make one mistake in our lives, Jerry?”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Postponement
Tagged: Kidnapping, Criminal Record, Social Stigma, Shame, Fall From Grace, Dogs
“Well, look at it this way. We drop the dog off in front of somebody's house in the country. They find it and adopt it. Now the dog is prancing in the fields. Dancing and prancing. Fresh air. Dandelions. We're doing this dog a real favor.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Engagement
Tagged: Kidnapping, Animal Abuse, Cruelty to Animals, Fresh Air, Dogs
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