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Dane Cook Quotes

Total quotes: 20
“Do not talk to your mother and father when you’re crying. Because what happens is, your mom has the ability to make you weep even more, and your dad makes you feel like a fucking idiot.”
— Dane Cook, Dane Cook-Crying
Tagged: Crying, cry, Weep, mother, father, talk, Phone, Call, ability, Idiot, Feelings, Feel, humor, comedy
“You know what’s really weird? You notice that the phone always rings when you’re crying. And what’s really strange is you answer it. You answer it. Even if you don’t want the world to know you’re crying, you still pick up the phone. And I think it’s because subconsciously, you’re reaching out. You want somebody to help you. So you pick up the phone and try to disguise it.”
— Dane Cook, Dane Cook-Crying
Tagged: Crying, wee, cry, Phone, ring, Answer, Reaching Out, help, Asking, Subconscious, Disguise, admit
“Why is it that the street you’re looking for always has a tree from the Mesozoic Era growing around the sign? You’re looking for like Mount Vernon and all you see is like the N. And you drive by going, “That was probably it.””
— Dane Cook, Dane Cook on Lying
Tagged: Street, Directions, Car, Driving, travel, Tree, Vision, see, Leaves, sign, street name, road, blocking, humor, comedy
“Let me tell you why women, you win 99.9% of all fights. Yup. Yup, and I’ll tell you why right now. Here it is: because you are mental terrorists.

You are brain ninjas and you know how to get in there with your katana and just cut us; and disappear into the night.”
— Dane Cook, Dane Cook- Why Women Win Fights
Tagged: Women, Fight, Relationship, Win, Brain, Mind, manipulation, Ninja, Terror, mental, mind games, humor, comedy
“It’ll be very subtle. It'll almost be a whisper... And why is that? To make you listen.”
— Dane Cook, Dane Cook- Why Women Win Fights
Tagged: Whisper, Speak, argue, comment, Silent, softly, Listen, Hear, humor, comedy
“You’re trying to find things to argue over. Because we can never just be adult and look at each other and go, “Hey, you know what? Hey, come here. Come here for a second. Um, we’re fuckin’ over, aren’t we? All right you go that way, I’ll go this way. It was good times!”

Nah, instead you’re like, "Let me just stick around for five or six years and then we can end this thing violently. Let’s do that. "”
— Dane Cook, Dane Cook- Why Women Win Fights
Tagged: Women, Men, Fight, Relationship, argument, adult, Attitude, Break Up, violent
“When you’re in a relationship, when you’re with somebody awful, I call that a relation-shit.”
— Dane Cook, Dane Cook- Why Women Win Fights
Tagged: Relationship, Person, Love, Wrong, Awful, humor, comedy, stand up comedy
“Who doesn't like movies? Who has ever said, "Hey, you wanna go see a movie?" "Fuck that and fuck your movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and NO!"”
— Dane Cook, Wikiquote.org: Dane Cook
Tagged: humor, comedy, Preference, Movies, like, film, Friends, Invitation
“We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.”
— Dane Cook, Wikiquote.org: Dane Cook
Tagged: Truth, Life, Living, daily life, Lie, lying, truthry, Tears, fact, fact of life, humor, comedy
“I hope when he dies he does become a tree. I hope he's in the middle of the wilderness and he's doing his tree thing. Whatever it is trees do. I know they do alot of work with breezes. And wouldn't it be fantastic if while he was out there just enjoying his treeness. Through the woods a huge, sweaty guy with an axe comes along. Sees him. Chops him down. Smash. Put a chain around him. Drag him through the mud and the muck. Put him into a sawmill. Grind him up. Then you pound him down into paper. And once he's paper. You print the Bible on him”
— Dane Cook, Dane Cook – The atheist
Tagged: Belief, Religion, Life, Reincarnation, Afterlife, Living, Future, Fate, Destiny, Irony, Ironic, humor, comedy
“"Let me ask you this. What do you believe happens to you after um, after you die?
And I said uhh... okay. well, hopefully I live a good life and my soul goes to heaven and when I get there all my ancestors will be waiting for me like it's an airport
HEYYY! Whatsupp? Guess who's dead sucker. Hahahaaa. Come here. Float over here. "”
— Dane Cook, Dane Cook – The atheist
Tagged: Death, Belief, Faith, Religion, Afterlife, Heaven, humor, comedy
“When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain.”
— Dane Cook, Wikiquote.org: Dane Cook
Tagged: Love, Sad, Unloved, party, Invitation, Friends, Relationship, Lonely, Alone, Rain
““Oh god. I landed in Marshmallows. How mad can I be?””
— Dane Cook, Dane Cook – Dream house
Tagged: marshmallows, food, Soft, comfort food, sweete, humor, comedy
“"I gotta have a swamp too. Gotta have a swamp. Either a
Swamp, our a marsh full of marshmallows. MARSHmallows"”
— Dane Cook, Dane Cook – Dream house
Tagged: marshmallows, humor, comedy, Pun, Language, english, swamp, Location, food, Soft, squishy
“"Everybody’s got a dream house
The house of your dreams. "”
— Dane Cook, Dane Cook – Dream house
Tagged: Dreams, House, Goals, Home, Future, humor, comedy
“"Do you have a pen- I don't have a pen...Can you remember all my shit?
Do you have a lipstick or something? A crayon?"”
— Dane Cook, Dane Cook – Umm, Hello?
Tagged: pen, Writing, notes, Instructions, Instrument, lipstick, Color, crayon, write
“"Here's a fun one right
Guys, next time you at a bar, whatever, and you see a girl at the bar
Just walk up to her and go like this...
""Hey, are you gonna walk to your car by yourself later?
I'll be over here watching you all night"”
— Dane Cook, Dane Cook – Pranks
Tagged: Prank, scare, humor, bar, comedy, Drink, Pick Up Lines, Girl
“"How bout this one right. All you need for this is a pair of gloves
Just take your gloves, right
And go down to the bank. Get behind all the people in the bank
Give the person in front of you a little nudge, just a little nudge
Wait till they turn around, and when they turn around
Start putting on the gloves and say...
""Now would be a good time to leave, right now.""
Either that or take out a piece of paper and a pen and say...
""Hey, how do you spell shoot-you-in-the-fucking-face?
Come on, hurry up, one word? What is it?"""”
— Dane Cook, Dane Cook – Pranks
Tagged: joke, humor, Prank, Bank, gloves, scare
“"This is horribly- this feels so horribly damaged
Even if I was blind I would know this is horribly damaged
By the way it feels"”
— Dane Cook, Dane Cook – Umm, Hello?
Tagged: Feelings, Emotion, Sad, hurt, Pain, horrible, Blind, Vision
“"They're like. Alright, why did you stop at a red light
And let me hit you doing 80?! WHY DID YOU STOP AT A RED LIGHT?"”
— Dane Cook, Dane Cook – Umm, Hello?
Tagged: Traffic, Stop, red light, Car, speed, humor, comedy
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