1. People
    2.  › 
  2. Daniel Tosh
Daniel Tosh photo

Daniel Tosh Quotes

Total quotes: 20
“Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.”
— Daniel Tosh, Daniel Tosh: An Unauthorized Biography
Tagged: ugly, beauty, Woman, Man, Beautiful, Work
“You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"”
— Daniel Tosh, Daniel Tosh: An Unauthorized Biography
Tagged: Religious, Spiritual, honest, interesting, sarcastic, Sarcasm, First Impressions
“I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.”
— Daniel Tosh, Daniel Tosh: An Unauthorized Biography
Tagged: God, english, Heaven, point, menu, Communication, Language
“Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant”
— Daniel Tosh, Wikiquote.org: Daniel Tosh
Tagged: humor, Pregnancy, pregnant, test, Feeling Down, Sad, Troubles, Feeling, Emotion
“Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.”
— Daniel Tosh, Daniel Tosh: An Unauthorized Biography
Tagged: Baby, babies, Children, toddler, humor, joke, Dishwasher, dishwasher safe, dangerous, Parenting, Life Hacks
“You know who LOVES to get fisted? Sock puppets. That joke is adorable!”
— Daniel Tosh, Wikiquote.org: Daniel Tosh
Tagged: puppets, fist, joke, Green, stand up comedy, comedy
“Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that.”
— Daniel Tosh, Wikiquote.org: Daniel Tosh
Tagged: lost, Journey, travel, Hike, Youtube, Video, Social Media, Trending
“A golden shower and Kite Runner reference in the same joke? Almost impossible! Almost impossible! I pull it off, because I care.”
— Daniel Tosh, Wikiquote.org: Daniel Tosh
Tagged: book, reference, joke, humor, comedy, impossible, Possible, shower, golden
“Leopards can carry twice their own weight up a tree...I don't have a joke for that, yet. But, when you walk out of here tonight, you can say, "Well, at least I learned something. That guy's like a fucking Snapple!"”
— Daniel Tosh, Wikiquote.org: Daniel Tosh
Tagged: Leaopards, Tree, Climbing, Wildlife, big cat, learn, Snapple, information, Learning, Weight
“Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's, like, "Whatever, queer". That's a hate crime!”
— Daniel Tosh, Daniel Tosh: An Unauthorized Biography
Tagged: Childhood, Friend, imaginary friend, Conversation, Imagination, Queer, Hate crime, imaginary
“I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.”
— Daniel Tosh, Daniel Tosh: An Unauthorized Biography
Tagged: Capri Sun, Juice, Stab, Relationship, Friends, Opinion, comparison
“Thank you … San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you … for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.”
— Daniel Tosh, Wikiquote.org: Daniel Tosh
Tagged: Sarcasm, joke, stand up comedy, comedy, Stand Up, show, humor, audience, Applause, clap
“I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know, people would be like, "Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom?" "The one with doves? It was beautiful."”
— Daniel Tosh, Daniel Tosh: An Unauthorized Biography
Tagged: rich, Wealth, Room, bathroom, doves, enter, majestic, dramatic, dramatic entrance, flair
“I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having another man around the house...”
— Daniel Tosh, Wikiquote.org: Daniel Tosh
Tagged: gay, Homosexual, Homosexuality, Marriage, Relationship, Gay Marriage, Man, Men
“You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I've always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.”
— Daniel Tosh, Wikiquote.org: Daniel Tosh
Tagged: Eat, Toilet, eating, Lactose, intolerant, cereal, milk, bowl, Digestion
“I can say that. I have a television show.”
— Daniel Tosh, Daniel Tosh: An Unauthorized Biography
Tagged: humor, Words, Censorship, Television, show, TV
“We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? Why don't people talk about that?”
— Daniel Tosh, Wikiquote.org: Daniel Tosh
Tagged: Barry Bonds, Babe Ruth, celebrity, name, Race, Black, colored, african american, asterisk, racism
“Thank you... I deserve that. I'm really good. I'm one of the best. Actually, I'm the best, currently ranked number one in the world. So buckle up. You guys are in for a treat. Oh, 19,000 people, This is awesome. Thank you. Seriously, don't look around. It's 19,000. People watching on tv, they never know. They're so stupid. That's why they watch tv.”
— Daniel Tosh, Wikiquote.org: Daniel Tosh
Tagged: Deserve, rank, comedy, audience, Stand Up
“I'm a lousy piece of ass, and I should know every man I have been with has told me so, I've been there almost every time. I mean, the closest thing I got to a birds and bees talk was with my dad. He was like, "Son, sex is a lot like this egg." "Dad, I think those are drugs." "Whatever, queer." "Why does everyone keep saying that?" "Listen up, son, listen good. You take a woman and crack her over the head and lie her flat. Make sure she sizzles and then flip her over. Don't stand too close or you'll get yellow stuff all over your bacon" What? I see some of you holding your stomach and feeling: "No, you shouldn't." That's a breakfast joke. That's the most important joke of the day. If you don't laugh at that, you're gonna be sleepy around 11:30. And you'll be like, "Why am I so tired?"”
— Daniel Tosh, Daniel Tosh: An Unauthorized Biography
Tagged: Dad, father, dad jokes, breakfast joke, Relationship, breakfast, comparison, Jokes
“Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker?" You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here [points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's. I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume your best work is in the A.M. Probably gets a bit abstract by noon.”
— Daniel Tosh, Wikiquote.org: Daniel Tosh
Tagged: School, test, examination, Masterpiece, canvas, paint, Art, Painter, Illness, parkinsons, Abstract, Imagination, skills
loading next page...