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Garry Shandling Quotes

Total quotes: 53
“I broke up with my girlfriend. She moved in with another guy, and I draw the line at that.”
— Garry Shandling, Stand-Up Comedy
Tagged: Breakups, Relationships, Cheating
“I told my girlfriend that unless she expressed her feelings and told me what she liked I wouldn't be able to please her, so she said, ‘Get off me.’”
— Garry Shandling, 1,911 Best Things Anybody Ever Said
“After making love I said to my girl, ‘Was it good for you, too?’ And she said, ‘I don't think this was good for anybody.’”
— Garry Shandling, The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said
Tagged: Sex, Funny
“I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?”
— Garry Shandling, Fun Facts About Our Incredible World!
“Without comedy as a defense mechanism, I wouldn't be able to survive.”
— Garry Shandling, Found Footage: Stuff I Found That I Need to Share
Tagged: comedy
“There are people who seek truth, and there are people who manipulate truth for their own good. That's the conflict in life. That's the conflict in Hollywood.”
— Garry Shandling, Garry Shandling Goes Dark
Tagged: Truth, Hollywood
“As they strapped the oxygen mask to my face, I lifted it up and said, 'Don't trim my hair too short in the back.’ It's a cliche, but there's a very thin line between comedy and tragedy. I know that line in my professional life. I'm not so sure I know it in my personal life.”
— Garry Shandling, Garry Shandling Goes Dark
Tagged: comedy, Tragedy
“I am afraid of many things, but I force myself to do them. I went to Magic Mountain, and I looked at the bungee jump and I thought, This is the devil's work. I did think for a moment, I should do it, it will make me more courageous. But no. There's a line. The roller coasters scare me, too. As does dating. It's those three things: bungee jumping, roller coasters and dating. And the idea of dating with my hands up in the air is the ultimate frightening experience.'”
— Garry Shandling, Garry Shandling Goes Dark
Tagged: Magic Mountain, Dating
“Nobody can write better jokes putting me down than me. I know how to destroy myself. I’m good at it.”
— Garry Shandling, Garry Shandling Goes Dark
Tagged: comedy, Jokes, Self-deprecation
“I practice safe sex—I use an airbag.”
— Garry Shandling, The 2,320 Funniest Quotes
Tagged: safe sex, humor
“Humor is a wonderful way to deal with our suffering because if we can laugh at our troubles, we can feel better. Thich Nhat Hanh is a special man who has helped millions with their suffering with incredible technique. But he doesn't know real suffering, because he has not dated as much as I have.”
— Garry Shandling, Garry Shandling to be ordained a monk in Buddhist funeral
Tagged: humor, Thich Nhat Nanh, Suffering
“I've been on a state of high alert since high school. I didn't need 9/11 to remind me that we live on a ball of flame.”
— Garry Shandling, When is a DVD not just a DVD?
Tagged: 9/11
“I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.”
— Garry Shandling, Master dating
Tagged: shyness
“I watch the news, which is its own reality show. I love 'Curb Your Enthusiasm.' I love it because it's funny and because I realize that I'm happier than Larry David.”
— Garry Shandling, 10 Questions For Garry Shandling
Tagged: Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, News
“I don't think I'm severely politically active. I care deeply, and I have my strong personal beliefs. I think America is dancing on thin ice. But I think it's bigger even than a political issue. I wonder about the evolution of the human race and spirit and what our goals and reasons for living are.”
— Garry Shandling, 10 Questions For Garry Shandling
Tagged: Politics, Activism
“Some people think the world will end in 2012. I think we've got until 2014. I'm an optimist.”
— Garry Shandling, Garry Shandling: Ricky Gervais just caught me off guard
Tagged: Optimism
“It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you have inside.”
— Garry Shandling, The Hair-Pulling Problem
“I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.”
— Garry Shandling
Tagged: Premature Ejaculation
“When I’m not in a relationship, I shave one leg, so when I sleep, it feels like I’m with a woman.”
— Garry Shandling
Tagged: Relationships
“They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.”
— Garry Shandling
“I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.”
— Garry Shandling
Tagged: Landlords
“I’m very loyal in a relationship. Any relationship. When I go out with my mum, I don’t look at other mums and go, ‘I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like.'”
— Garry Shandling
Tagged: Loyalty, Relationships
“My first 'Tonight Show' was just one of those things—I mean this seriously—a cosmic, meant-to-be coming together of circumstance. You walk out there to do your first 'Tonight Show': Is the audience going to be hot? Are you going to be on fire? It's like an athlete: Are you going to have your moves at a peak?”
— Garry Shandling, How Heartbreak Helped Garry Shandling Find His Comedic Voice
Tagged: Tonight Show
“My second or third year in the engineering department, I got very frustrated, and I sat down with myself and had a soul-searching conversation with myself and said, 'What I'd really like to do is see if I can write comedy.'...I moved to L.A. stone cold. Didn't know anybody; didn't know how to go about it. Really started from scratch.”
— Garry Shandling, How Heartbreak Helped Garry Shandling Find His Comedic Voice
Tagged: Los Angeles
“The problem with the Pledge of Allegiance isn't the ‘God’ part. It's the ‘pledge’ part. Does a child know what kind of commitment he's making, and to whom, and at what cost?”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: Pledge of Allegiance, God
“Buddha didn't get married because his wife would have said, ‘What, are you going to sit around like that all day?’”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: Buddha, Marriage
“Intellect without heart scares me.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: Intellect, heart
“Nothing can succeed and last without teamwork.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: Teamwork
“I was anxious and depressed ahead of my time. I didn't need 9/11 to realize that in life, anything can happen. I've been on a state of alert since high school. Code plaid.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: 9/11, Anxiety, Depression
“A woman once asked me to autograph her T-shirt right across the chest. It only occurred to me later that she may have recognized me.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
“I once saw an elaborate landscape in a gallery, drawn in pencil, that took my breath away. Then I realized the artist probably didn't have enough confidence to use a pen.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
“I never listen to the audiotapes of my shrink sessions because the audience is usually so bad, I can't tell which jokes work and which ones don't.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: therapy, comedy
“Some people can fake it their whole lives.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
“Nice guys finish first. If you don't know that, then you don't know where the finish line is.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
“Everyone at a party is uncomfortable. Knowing that makes me more comfortable.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
“Dr. Phil is hiding something. Otherwise, why wouldn't he use his last name?”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: Dr. Phil
“Smoothies might be fattening. Especially the ones made with frozen yogurt and gin.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
“I remember when I was a struggling comic appearing for the first time in Las Vegas. Don Rickles came in to watch the new guy. Afterward, he came backstage, and I asked him if he thought I was funny. He said, ‘You know when you're funny. You don't have to ask.’ And he was right.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: Las Vegas, Don Rickles, Comedians
“Dogs are not people. Be leery of any woman who refers to her dogs as her 'kids,' because you'll only end up paying for their schooling.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: Dogs
“My mother did the best she could. Sorry.”
— Garry Shandling, What I've Learned: Garry Shandling
Tagged: mothers
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