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George Costanza Quotes

Total quotes: 179
“Russell Dalrymple: So, what have you guys come up with?

Jerry: Well, we thought about this in a variety of ways, but the basic idea is I would play myself…

George: May I…?

Jerry: Go ahead.

George: I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: nothing.

Russell Dalrymple: Nothing?

George: Nothing!

Russell Dalrymple: What does that mean?

George: The show is about nothing!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pitch
Tagged: Nothing, Minimalism
“Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Cafe
Tagged: Nice, Bad, Sick Society
“There is no bigger loser than me!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Strike
Tagged: Biggest Loser, Self-deprecation
“Cushman: I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we’ve seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There’s someone here I’d like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants.

George Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.

George: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughingstock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.

George Steinbrenner: Hire this man!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Hamptons
Tagged: Massive Ego, New York Yankees, George Steinbrenner, Opposite
“George: She calls me up at my office. She says, ‘We have to talk.’

Jerry: Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.

George: That or ‘Whose bra is this?’

Jerry: That’s worse.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 1: The Seinfeld Chronicles
Tagged: We Have To Talk, English Language
“George: She’s got a little Marisa Tomei thing goin’ on.


Jerry: Ah, too bad you’ve got a little George Costanza thing goin’ on.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Chicken Roaster
Tagged: Marisa Tomei, Unmatched Partners
“George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?


Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge
Tagged: condoms, Abstinence
“I love a good nap. Sometimes it's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Nap
Tagged: Nap, Sleeping
“I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Burning
Tagged: Christian Rock, Music, Musicians, Hipsters
“I'm calling up the Rosses and inviting them up to my nonexistent place in the Hamptons. Then we'll see who blinks first.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Wizard
Tagged: Bluffing, Hamptons, Brinksmanship
“I think I could be a philanthropist. a kick-ass philanthropist! I would have all this money and people would love me. Then they would come to me and beg! And if I felt like it, I would help them out. And then they would owe me big time!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Strike
Tagged: Philanthropy, charity, Beggars, Wealth, Power
“You can stuff you sorries in a sack, mister!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Betrayal
Tagged: Apologies, Cliches
“Well, I just stomped some pigeons in the park. They—they didn't move.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Merv Griffin Show
Tagged: Pigeons, Animal Abuse
“You've got ‘shiksappeal.’ Jewish men love the idea of meeting a woman that's not like their mother.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Serenity Now
Tagged: Shiksas, Jewish Men, Attraction, Jewish Mothers
“Jerry, let's face it, I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it. Name one thing I have that puts me in a position of advantage. Huh? There was a guy that worked at the Yankees—no arms! He got more work done than I did, made more money, had a wife, a family, drove a better car than I did.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Butter Shave
Tagged: Handicapped, Success, New York Yankees
“Frolf: Frisbee golf, Jerry. Golf with a Frisbee. This is gonna be my time. Time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin. I proclaim this: The Summer of George!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Summer of George
Tagged: Frolf, Frisbee Golf, Frisbee, Golf, Summer, Summer of George
“All right. I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Millennium
Tagged: Self-deprecation
“Well, we were engaged to be married, uh, we bought the wedding invitations, and, uh, yada yada yada, I'm still single.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada
Tagged: Breakups, Marriage, Wedding Invitations, Single, Yada Yada
“Because I'm REFRESHED. I finally found a way to sleep in my office. Under the desk. I lie on my back. I tuck in the chair. I'm invisible.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Nap
Tagged: Loafing, Naps, Office
“It's like, if one of ’em dies, the other one wants to bench-press the casket.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The English Patient
Tagged: Machismo, Bravado, Weightlifting, Death
“If she can't find me, she can't break up with me.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Susie
Tagged: Breakups, Avoidance, Ghosting
“This is my one chance to make a great entrance! My whole life, I have never made a great entrance!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Susie
Tagged: balls, Entrances
“Listen to the comeback. ‘Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you.’”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Comeback
Tagged: Comebacks, Zingers, Sick Burns
“Sometimes in life, the gods smile upon you, my friends.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Comeback
Tagged: Zingers, Sick Burns, Comeuppance, Revenge, Fate
“As much as I'd like to see the two of you living it up in a warm, tropical setting, I, I would just miss you too much. So I've decided I want you to stay.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Money
Tagged: Parents, Empty Nest, Florida, New York
“I've tried it straight, Jerry. We've all seen the results. For me, sick is the only way to go.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Little Jerry
Tagged: Ex-Cons, Dysfunctional Relationships, Dating
“Oh my God...you're in jail? That is so cool!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Little Jerry
Tagged: Jail, Dating
“In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Andrea Doria
Tagged: bald, Obesity, Stupid, Tragedy, Horror
“What kind of a snobby, stuck-up cult is this?”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Checks
Tagged: Cults, Snobby, Stuck-Up
“This thing is like an onion. The more layers you peel, the more it stinks.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Soul Mate
Tagged: Conspiracy, Onions
“Look at me! I was free and clear! I was living the dream! I was stripped to the waist, eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Foundation
Tagged: Gluttony, Freedom
“I wanna bite into a big hunk of cheese, just bite into it like it's an apple.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Foundation
Tagged: Gluttony, Freedom
“Articulate—me? I've never articulated anything, I'm completely incoherent.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Wait Out
Tagged: Articulate, Incoherent, Self-Deprecating
“So let me ask you a question about the tip jar. I had a little thing with the calzone guy this week. I go to drop a buck in the tip jar and just as I am about to drop it in he looks the other way. And then when I am leaving he gives me this look think thanks for nothing. I mean, if they don't notice it what's the point?”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Calzone
Tagged: Calzones, Tipping, Tip Jar
“OK, look. We've never worked together on a lie. Now, you don't understand how I work. I have a certain way of working. Jerry and I have worked together a few times. He knows how I work. It's not a personal thing, y'know? We're just trying to come up with the best possible lie. That's what this is all about.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Cadillac
Tagged: lying, Deception, Teamwork, Planning
“Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the yin-yang.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Seven
Tagged: Cachet, Yin-Yang
“Elaine, can I just explain something to you very privately here? Susan and I have been together many, many times now, and just between you and me, there's really no big surprises here, so...makeup sex is all that I have left.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge
Tagged: Makeup Sex, arguments, Dead Bedrooms, Contraceptive Sponges
“Come on! I know you're there, laughing at me. Laughing and lying and laughing.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Pool Guy
Tagged: Laughing, lying, Paranoia
“Ah, you have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him ceases to exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with—Movie George, Coffee Shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George….If Relationship George walks through this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George divided against itself cannot stand!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Pool Guy
Tagged: Independence, Relationships, Coffee Shops, Movies
“This is not good. Worlds are colliding! George is getting upset.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Pool Guy
Tagged: Worlds Collide, Getting Upset
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