1. People
    2.  › 
  2. Himself

Himself Quotes

Total quotes: 55
“It's Dickerflick Cabbagepatch.”
— Himself, Between Two Ferns: The Movie
Tagged: Names
“Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, maniacs, to the loonies, and ding-dongs. And some people would say that we're the crazy ones, but I think we are geniuses, because we're crazy enough to try to change this ding-dong crazy world.”
— Himself, Between Two Ferns: The Movie
Tagged: crazy, Ding-Dong , World
“You dated a guy from One Direction. Which one direction was his penis pointing, north or south?”
— Himself, Between Two Ferns: The Movie
Tagged: Direction, One Direction, Word Play
“I'm not a practicing Jew. I perfected it.”
— Himself, Between Two Ferns: The Movie
Tagged: practice, Jew, Religion, Perfect
“You love fast cars. In what other ways is your penis small?”
— Himself, Between Two Ferns: The Movie
Tagged: Question, Fast Cars , joke, Diss
“Just point your camera and shut the fuck up.”
— Himself, Between Two Ferns: The Movie
Tagged: camera, order, Quiet
“I want people to laugh with me, not at me.”
— Himself, Between Two Ferns: The Movie
Tagged: laugh, Jokes, comedian
“I read online that you're very private and decline to answer questions that make you feel uncomfortable. This is a two-parter. Is that true? And how old were you when you got your first period?”
— Himself, Between Two Ferns: The Movie
Tagged: Questions, private, period
“I want my Hamburger Helper boxes back!”
— Himself, Between Two Ferns: The Movie
Tagged: hamburger helper, upset
“And in an environment where a body suddenly becomes a lethal weapon because of the speed at which it's moving, the danger, the adrenaline level, the need to protect yourself is far higher than it is in a normal environment.”
— Himself, Ice Guardians
Tagged: Hockey, Adrenaline, Violence
“Ken Curtis: [confused] Wait a second. Go Back. I don't get why Yazov let you leave the country, if he was mad at you.

Viacheslav Fetisov: I'm not a historian. My feeling was the country tried to change something, because it's Perestroika time, but he doesn't want changes. Everybody was afraid. It's understandable. It's like in a dark room, trying to find a dark cat. It's not funny.”
— Himself, Red Army
Tagged: Expatriation, Historian, Perestroika
“Outdoor hockey, pond hockey is where it's at!”
— Himself, Pond Hockey
Tagged: outdoor hockey, pond hockey
“I hate guns, personally. I can’t stand ’em. Yeah, but I have several. I don’t want ’em, but I feel like I need ’em.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Gun Control
“I don’t see any peaceful way to disarm America’s whites. There’s only one thing that’s going to save this country from itself. Same thing that always saves this country from itself, and that is African Americans.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Gun Control, African Americans
“And my son’s telling me, 'Well, we didn’t have school today, technically.' I’m like, 'What… What’s going on?' He said, 'Well there was, like, a school shooting drill.' I never heard of this. You know what this is? They have drills that they make kids do, uh, where they practice what to do if somebody comes to shoot up their school. I’d never heard of that before. I was like, 'What the fuck?' I had to tell my sons the truth. I didn’t want to tell them this shit. 'Son… Son, listen to me. Fuck that drill. If somebody comes to your school and wants to shoot it up, I’m just gonna be honest with you. You probably gonna get shot, nigga. I’m just being real. You got a famous dad. I talk a lot of shit. They gonna be gunning for you, little buddy. Just stay low and run in a zigzag pattern, and don’t try to save anybody, son. Do you understand me?' Why would you have kids rehearse for some shit they have no control over? All you’re doing is training these kids to worry.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Nigga, School Shooting Drill, Fuck
“They just killed another 12 people in a mass shooting in Virginia Beach. This shit’s happening every week. It happens so much, I’m almost—I don’t care anymore.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Mass Shooting, Virginia Beach, Shit
“I mean, really, uh, what the fuck are we doing? I can’t live in this new world you’re proposing.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Fuck, New World
“I live in Ohio. And anyone that knows anything about Ohio knows that even the word 'Ohio' is an old Native American word. It means, literally, uh, 'land of poor white people.' And I don’t know what’s going on down here, but in my experience, uh, poor white people love, and, I mean, they fucking love… heroin. They can’t seem to get enough of it. I didn’t know what I was looking at at first. I was driving, like, 'Why are all these white people so sleepy out here?' It’s really bad.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Ohio, Poor White People, Heroin, opioid crisis
“This opioid crisis is a crisis. I see it everyday. It’s as bad as they say. It’s ruining lives, it’s…destroying families. Sadly, you know what it reminds me of? Seeing it? Reminds me of us. These white folks look exactly like us during the crack epidemic. You know, it’s really crazy to see. And all this shit they talk about on the news about how divided the nation is, I don’t believe it. I feel like, nowadays, we’re gettin’ a real good look at each other. It’s wild, because I even have insight into how the white community must’ve felt watching the black community go through the scourge of crack… because I don’t care either. 'Hang in there, Whites. Just say no. What’s so hard about that?' Remember when y’all said that to us? But it’s okay. There’s no grudges. Now you finally got it right. Once it started happening to your kids, you realize it’s a health crisis.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: opioid crisis, crack epidemic, White People, Empathy
“If you have a dick, you need to shut the fuck up on this one. Seriously. This is theirs. The right to choose is their unequivocal right. Not only do I believe they have the right to choose, I believe that they shouldn’t have to consult anybody, -except for a physician…about how they exercise that right. Gentleman, that is fair. And ladies, to be fair to us, I also believe if you decide to have the baby, a man should not have to pay. That’s fair. If you can kill this motherfucker, I can at least abandon ’em. It’s my money, my choice.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Abortion, dick, Shut the Fuck Up, Choice, Child Support
“I’m not for abortion. Oh, shut up, nigga. I’m not for it, but I’m not against it, either. It all depends…on who I get pregnant.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Nigga, Abortion
“You see, Jussie Smollett is… gay, and he is black, not just French. Oh, it was a crazy story. Apparently, when he’s walking down the street late at night, two white men came out of the shadows, uh… with MAGA hats on and beat him up. Tied a rope around his neck, called him all kinds of niggas and… and… put some bleach on him and ran off into the night. This shit was, like, international news. And everybody was furious, especially in Hollywood. It’s all over everybody’s Twitter feed and Instagram page. 'Justice for Jussie' and all this shit. The whole country was up in arms. We was talking about it all the time on the news, and… and, for some reason, uh, African Americans, we were like oddly quiet. We were so quiet about this shit that the gay community started accusing the African American community of being homophobic for not supporting him. But what they didn’t understand is that we were supporting him with our silence. Because we understood that this nigga was clearly lying. None of these details added up at all. He said he’s walking down the street in Chicago and-and, uh, white dudes come up to him and say, 'Hey, man, aren’t you that faggot nigger from Empire?' What the fuck? Does that sound like how white people talk? I know white people. They don’t talk like that. 'Are you that faggot nigger from Empire?' They would never say that. It sounds like something… that I would say. If you’re racist and homophobic, you don’t even know who this nigga is. You can’t watch Empire.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Jussie Smollett, Empire, faggot, nigger, Hate Crime Hoaxes, racist, Homophobic
“If…if you’re in a group that I made fun of, then just know that I probably will only make fun of you if I see myself in you. I make fun of poor white people because I was once poor. And I know that the only difference between a poor black person and a poor white person is that a poor white person feels like it’s not supposed to be happening to them.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: poor blacks, poor whites
“Louis C.K. was a very good friend of mine before he died in that terrible masturbation accident. And it was his room. You read the story. He was masturbating in his own room. That’s where you supposed to masturbate. Then he said, 'Hey, everybody, I’m gonna pull my dick out.' Nobody ran for the door or nothing like that. They all just kind of hung out, like, 'I wonder if this guy is serious.' And he came on his own stomach. There it is. What is the threat? Have any women ever seen a guy that just came on his own stomach? This is the least threatening motherfucker the Earth has ever seen. All you see is shame in their face and… cum dripping down like pancake butter. He didn’t do anything that you can call the police for. I dare you to try. Call the police on him. 'Hello? Police, yes. I am… I am on the other line with comedian Louis C.K., and I think that he is masturbating while I’m on the phone.' You know what the police are gonna say in Atlanta? 'Well, what are you guys talking about? Mm-hm. Mm-hmm.' They ruined this nigga’s life, and now he’s coming back playing comedy clubs, and they acting like if he’s able to do that, that’s gonna hurt women.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Louis C.K., masturbation, Cancel Culture, Motherfucker, Atlanta
“What does it actually mean to be equal? You know what I mean? Like, if women are actually equal to men, then there would be no WNBA, would there? You would just be good enough to play in the NBA with us.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Equality, WNBA, Gender Differences
“It’s hard not to write these jokes. It’s hard not to think about it.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: comedy, Writing
“And as I was leaving, it occurred to me. 'Hey. Hey, Renée, quick question. It’s just a question. Seriously, I wanna know. Like, wh-why is it… why is it that… that I can say the word 'nigger' with impunity… …but I can’t say the word 'faggot'?' And she said, 'Because, David, you are not gay.' I said, 'Well, Renée… I’m not a nigger either.'”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: nigger, faggot, gay, obscene, Profanity
“Celebrity hunting season. Doesn’t matter what I say, they’re going to get everybody eventually.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Cancel Culture
“If you’ve been poor, you know what that feels like. You ashamed all the time. Feels like it’s your fault.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Poverty, Shame
“This guy, R. Kelly, got another sex tape out now. Can you believe that shit? This guy makes more sex tapes than he does music. He’s like the DJ Khaled of sex tapes. 'Another one.' Like, damn, nigga! That’s a lot of tapes. The new one’s so bad that they didn’t even show it. I’ve never seen anything like this. The prosecutor in Chicago came out in a press conference and read to the media a transcript of a sex tape. Have you ever heard of such a thing? This nigga read the sex tape. And it was so bad that R. Kelly sounded guilty in the transcripts. It’s fucking amazing. Sixteen times the girl’s age was mentioned. Isn’t that crazy? This motherfucker is an idiot. He was fuckin’ her like, 'Yeah, this is the best 14-year-old pussy I’ve ever had in my life.' She was like, 'You like this 14-year-old pussy?' Like, 'Oh, yeah, I love this.' I’m like, 'Man, you need to shut the fuck up.'”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: r. kelly, sex tape, Dj Khaled, Pussy, pedophilia
“I’m not a pedophile. But if I was…Macaulay Culkin’s the first kid I’m fucking, I’ll tell you that right now.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Pedophile, Macaulay Culkin, Fucking
“I am what’s known on the streets as a victim blamer. You know what I mean? If somebody come up to me like, 'Dave, Dave, Chris Brown just beat up Rihanna.' I’ll be like, 'Well, what did she do?' 'Dave, Michael Jackson was molesting children.' 'Well, what were those kids wearing at the time?'”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Michael Jackson, Victim Blaming, Chris Brown, Rihanna
“This is the worst time ever to be a celebrity. You’re gonna be finished. Everyone’s doomed. Michael Jackson has been dead for ten years and this nigga has two new cases.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Nigga, Michael Jackson, Child Molestation, Cancel Culture, celebrity
“That’s why I don’t be coming out doing comedy all the time, ’cause y’all niggas is the worst motherfuckers I’ve ever tried to entertain in my FUCKING life.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Niggas, Motherfuckers, Fucking, Cancel Culture
“This is my impression, you ready? This is my impression… of the Founding Fathers of America… when the Constitution was being written. You ready? Here it goes. Hurry up and finish that Constitution, nigger. I’m trying to get some sleep. It’s not bad, right?”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Founding Fathers, nigger, Constitution
“I’m sorry, ladies. I just… I got a fucking Me Too headache. Y’all is killing me right now. It’s really fuckin’ tough to watch what’s going on.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Fuck, #metoo
“Absolutely nothing compares to the spectacle you are about to see.”
— Himself, Hyperdrive, Season 1: Episode 1
Tagged: Car Racing, intense
“At this level, having to endure, persevere or survive is having to do the things that may not be easy.”
— Himself, Basketball or Nothing
Tagged: Keep on Fighting, Dream Big, Perserverence
“I'm just messing with ya.”
— Himself, Aziz Ansari: Right Now
Tagged: comedy, Good Sense of Humor
“Bill Murray: It's 'cause I'm white, isn't it?

Michael Jordan: No. Larry's white, so what?

Bill Murray: Larry's not white. Larry's clear.”
— Himself, Space Jam
Tagged: Best Sports Movies
loading next page...