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Jackie Gleason Quotes

Total quotes: 47
“Give me a diablo sandwich, a Dr. Pepper, and make it quick, I'm in a goddamn hurry.”
— Sheriff Buford T. Justice, Smokey and the Bandit
Tagged: Dr. Pepper, Goddamn, Car Movies
“What I SAY about Norton is one thing; how I FEEL about him is something else!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Jellybeans
Tagged: Two-Faced
“Your mambo days are over! You want to wiggle? Wiggle over to the stove, and get my supper!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Norton Moves In
Tagged: mambo, Supper
“Acting young ain't what keeps you young, but if you have some memories—some good memories—of when you were young, that's what keeps you young.”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Lunchbox
Tagged: Youth, Memories
“Ralph Kramden: Norton, let's face it, I'm a man with big ideas, and sooner or later, one of those ideas is going to catch on. And when they do, I'm going to be a big shot. And do you know what happens to people who become big shots?

Ed Norton: Yeah, they forget their relatives.”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Ralph Kramden, Inc.
Tagged: Success, Relatives
“[speaking to a recorder an apology to Alice] Hello, Alice. This is me, Ralph. Alice, I'm sorry. I'm miserable without ya. Please come back to me, Alice. I apologize for everything I've said. I even apologize to your mother. I know she doesn't mean the things she says, Alice, it's just her nature. She doesn't mean to be mean, she's just born that way. When she says things about your old boyfriends and about the furniture in the apartment, I know that she doesn't mean to get me mad. She's just naturally mean, that's all. When she spilled the beans about the end of the play, I shouldn't have gotten mad at that, I should've expected it from her. I know how she is. She's never gonna be any different, Alice! She's gonna be the *same old way*, Alice! She's a BLABBERMOUTH, Alice! A BLAAABBERMOOOUUUTH!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Lost Job
Tagged: Apologies, Mother in Law, Blabbermouth
“[to Alice's mother; shouting] You—are a blabbermouth! A blabbermouth! You! Blabbermouth! Out!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Lost Job
Tagged: Blabbermouth, Mother in Law
“Ed Norton: Hey, Ralph, what's the normal temperature, around 98, ain't it?

Ralph Kramden: 98.6.

Ed Norton: What would you say a bad temperature is?

Ralph Kramden: Hundred and two, 103. What is it, Norton? What is my temperature?

[Norton becomes shocked as he examines the thermometer; Ralph gets impatient]

Ralph Kramden: WHAT'S MY TEMPERATURE, NORTON?

Ed Norton: [crying out] A HUNDRED AND ELEVEN!

Ralph Kramden: A hundred and eleven?

Ed Norton: Why'd it have to be you? Prime of life!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Anniversary Gift
Tagged: Temperature, Thermometer, Fever
“Ralph: What's the matter? Aren't you up on current events? Don't you read the papers? Don't you read comic books? That's the trouble with you; you don't know the latest developments.

Alice: I don't know the latest developments? Who is it that lets your pants out every other day?”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Suspense
Tagged: papers, Comic Books, Fat-Shaming
“Ralph: From here on in, we are deadly enemies. I don't want to see ya, I don't want to talk to ya, I don't want to have nothing to do with ya. If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side!

Norton: When you come down the street, there AIN'T no other side!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Suspense
Tagged: enemies, Fat-Shaming
“You know something, sweetheart? Christmas is...well, it's about the best time of the whole year. When you walk down the streets, even for weeks before Christmas comes, and there's lights hanging up, green ones and red ones, sometimes there's snow and everyone's hustling some place. But they don't hustle around Christmastime like they usually do. You know, they're a little more friendlier... they bump into you, they laugh and they say, 'Pardon me. Merry Christmas'... especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home, you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringin', kids are singing, the snow is coming down. And boy what a pleasure it is to think that you've got some place to go to. And that the place that you're going to, there's somebody in it that you really love. Someone you're nuts about. Merry Christmas.”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Alice Plays Cupid
Tagged: Christmas, Merry Christmas, Sentimental
“Ralph: What do you know about fishing? When have you ever caught anything?

Alice: Fifteen years ago. I caught 300 pounds of blubber.”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Glow Worm Cleaning
Tagged: Fishing, Fat-Shaming
“You're a riot, Alice. You're a regular riot. Hope they like those jokes on the moon, 'cause that's where you're goin'.”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Christmas Party
Tagged: Riot, Moon, Threats
“Dear Mom, I just thought I'd write and tell you this. A mother-in-law is the most criticized, the most misunderstood and the most defenseless of all women. The average woman must be clever enough to know when to speak, but a mother-in-law must know when to keep silent. She must be very wise; wise enough sometimes to withhold advice, although she knows the answer to the problem. A mother-in-law must sit on the fence between her own child and the child by marriage, and somehow she must keep a balance. She must lean backwards until her spine aches, or else she is accused of being partial, and she isn't permitted the luxury of hurt feelings or tears. If a person could put themselves in their mother-in-law's place, weigh her in the balance, and be completely fair, they'd nominate her for the Presidency of the United States, and she'd be the first woman to make it.”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Six Months To Live
Tagged: Mother in Law, Tolerance, Patience, US President
“Ralph Kramden: Name one thing that could possibly be worse than my mother-in-law coming.

Ed Norton: My mother-in-law coming! Boy, compared to her coming, the invasion of locusts was a boon to mankind!

Ralph Kramden: Don't start, Norton. Don't try to compare your mother-in-law with my mother-in-law, 'cause you got a lose. It's no match.”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Six Months To Live
Tagged: Competition, Mother in Law
“Ralph: [to Norton] Hey, what does 'icky' mean?

Ed Norton: I don't know, why?

Ralph: Alice just said I was icky.

Ed Norton: Must mean 'fat.'”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Lunchbox
Tagged: icky
“Ralph Kramden: Nobody's one hundred percent, Alice.

Alice Kramden: You are. You've been wrong every time!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Six Months To Live
Tagged: insults
“Ralph Kramden: Two thousand dollars, Alice! That's big, big, big! This is probably the biggest thing I ever got into.

Alice Kramden: The biggest thing you ever got into was your pants.”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Pickles
Tagged: Fat-Shaming
“Ralph Kramden: We spend $200, we make $2000 and the profit is 1800. We can't lose.

Ed Norton: Can't lose, huh? That's what you said when you bought the parking lot next to where they were building up the movie house there. You said, 'People going to the movies got to have a place to park their car.'

Ralph Kramden: How did I know they were building a drive-in theater?”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Pickles
Tagged: drive-in theater, profit motive, Get Rich Quick Schemes
“You just decided for me, Alice. You just decided for me! I'm going on 'The $64,000 Question'. And do you know why? 'Cause I'm an expert in one of their categories: Aggravation!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Quiz Show
Tagged: $64000 Question, aggravation
“Ed Norton: [reading from book about golf] 'The golf swing: First, step up, plant your feet firmly on the ground, and address the ball.'

Ralph: Wait a minute. What do they mean by 'address the ball'?

Ed Norton: How should I know? That's what it says here.

Ralph: Well, read a little further. Maybe it explains it.”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Lost Baby
Tagged: Golf, address the ball, Hello Ball
“Now I know why people play golf! It's not 'cause they like this game! It's just to get away from their wives! That's why they play!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Lost Baby
Tagged: Golf, Bad Marriage, wives
“Ralph Kramden: [Alice's mother has been engaging in her typical insult-based banter with Ralph] Oh, you're startin' right in, huh? Startin' right in with the insults! No warmin' up in the bullpen or nothin', huh? Startin' right in! I remember when you used come over, you used to to start slow with a couple of 'Hello, Stupids' and stuff like that! Now I don't even get that, anymore, huh? Well, let me tell you somethin', and get this into your head! This is my home, and when you come in here, treat me with respect, and address me with a civil tongue!

Mrs. Gibson: Oh, why don't you shut up?”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: The Turkey
Tagged: insults, Mother in Law
“Ralph Kramden: There isn't room in this place for you and me!

Mrs. Gibson: There isn't room in this place for you and anybody!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: The Turkey
Tagged: Fat-Shaming
“Modesty is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call girls.”
— Jackie Gleason, The Art of the Put-Down
Tagged: Modesty, Passion
“My father disappeared when I was about seven years old, never to show up again, and my mother died when I was quite young, and I didn't start school 'til I was eight years old because I had a brother who died when he was fourteen, and then with my father leaving I was the only thing left that my mother had and she was overly attentive to me and she didn't even want me to go to school. I was never allowed out in the street to play with the other kids. I would sit on the window and watch all the kids playing.”
— Jackie Gleason, Jackie Gleason 20/20, Part 1
Tagged: Youth, Fatherless Children
“It is difficult for people to appreciate their own laughter unless you show them some pathos along the way.”
— Jackie Gleason, Jackie Gleason 20/20, Part 1
Tagged: Laughter, Pathos
“When you first begin to make money and become a success, you say to yourself, ‘I'd better get all these things I wanted!’" because how fruitless it would be if you could afford these things and didn't get them. So you accumulate everything. And then you begin to realize that the materialistic things aren't of a great value. It's just getting them. Once you've got them, they lose all the greatness.”
— Jackie Gleason, Jackie Gleason 20/20, Part 1
Tagged: Success, Money, Materialism
“In the old days, if a button fell off of Lawrence Welk’s shirt, that was enough to start a party.”
— Jackie Gleason, Jackie Gleason 20/20, Part 2
Tagged: Drink
“I knew that nobody could be on television week after week as themselves and exist for any length of time, because no one has that rich a personality....So I knew that I had to create some characters.”
— Jackie Gleason, Jackie Gleason 20/20, Part 1
Tagged: Acting
“I only made $200 a week and I had to buy my own bullets.”
— Jackie Gleason, JACKIE GLEASON DIES OF CANCER; COMEDIAN AND ACTOR WAS 71
Tagged: Poverty
“Memory is the only money you ever really have.”
— Jackie Gleason, New York Magazine
Tagged: Memory, Money
“The worst thing you can do with money is save it.”
— Jackie Gleason, New York Magazine
Tagged: Money, Thrift Stores
“I have no use for humility. I am a fellow with an exceptional talent.”
— Jackie Gleason, Great Hollywood Wit
Tagged: Talent, Humility
“Modesty in an actor is as fake as passion in a call girl.”
— Jackie Gleason, The Theatre Quotation Book
Tagged: Modesty, Passion
“A man must defend his home, his wife, his children, and his martini.”
— Jackie Gleason, The Martini Book
Tagged: martini, Alcohol
“How sweet it is.”
— Jackie Gleason, JACKIE GLEASON- HOW SWEET IT IS
“Golf and women are a lot alike. You know you are not going to wind up with anything but grief, but you can't resist the impulse.”
— Jackie Gleason, Great Funny Quotes: Sweeten Your Life with Laughter
Tagged: Golfing, Women, Temptation
“The only thing better than one of my songs is one of my songs with a glass of scotch.”
— Jackie Gleason, The Modern Drunkard
Tagged: Drinking, Songs
“Me? I drink to get bagged.”
— Jackie Gleason, And Awaaayy Gleason Goes Again
Tagged: Drinking Jokes
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