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Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Total quotes: 237
“You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going 'excuse me?', 'what was that?'”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Puffy Shirt
Tagged: Low-Talkers
“That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pick
Tagged: Christmas, Scrooge, charity, selfishness, Thrift, Christmas Jokes
“Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Voice
Tagged: Breakups, Coke Machines
“Salad! What was I thinking? Women don't respect salad eaters.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Wink
Tagged: Salad, Masculinity, Women, Veganism
“Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but...I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat…it's all been wrong.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Opposite
Tagged: Instincts, Failure, Despair
“The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over and she marries the next guy. That’s why the wedding vow isn't ‘do you take Bill Simpson?’; it’s ‘Do you take this man?’”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Opera
Tagged: Tuxedos, Marriage, Formal Wear, Disposable Men
“People don't turn down money! It's what separates us from the animals.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 2: The Apartment
Tagged: Greed, Money, humanity
“Is it...? Could it...? Could he have...? IT IS! Poppie peed on my sofa!”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Couch
Tagged: Public Urination
“The woman had an orgasm under false pretenses. That's sexual perjury.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Mango
Tagged: orgasm, Faking Orgasm
“Do you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle?”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 2: The Revenge
Tagged: Laundry, Masculinity, Effeminate
“There's been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole thing for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Outing
Tagged: Homophobia, Eavesdropping
“Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I'm having it.”
— Morty Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Cadillac
Tagged: Chips Ahoy, Cookies, Mortality, Chocolate Chip
“You see the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around, but they don't know they're ugly, because nobody actually tells them.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Doodle
Tagged: ugliness, Bluntness, Honesty
“OUR LIVES! What kind of lives are these? We're like children. We're not men.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Engagement
Tagged: Immaturity, Pointlessness, Children, Men, Adulthood, Adulting
“What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Stranded
Tagged: parties, Hotel Rooms, Bad Guests, Strangers Asking Things Of You
“See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to HOLD the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation—the holding. Anybody can just take them.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Alternate Side
Tagged: Auto Reservations, Keeping Reservations, Holding Reservations, Taking Reservations
“The appeal of the posse? The posse has tremendous appeal. Get away from the job, camp out, you're with your friends....Come on, it's a week-long game of hide-and-seek on horseback.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Letter
Tagged: Posses, Male Bonding, camping
“What is it about sleep that makes you so thirsty? Do dreams require liquid? It's not like I'm running a marathon, I'm just lying there.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Keys
Tagged: Sleep, Thirst
“Because I snubbed her. You see? Women, they like that! Yes! I understand women. The snub is good, they love the snub.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Shoes
Tagged: Snubbing, Aloofness, Attraction, Women
“I don't get it. Not allowed to ask a Chinese person where the Chinese restaurant is! I mean, aren't we all getting a little too sensitive? I mean, someone asks me which way's Israel, I don't fly off the handle.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Cigar Store Indian
Tagged: Political Correctness, Hypersensitivity, Social Justice, Chinese Restaurants, Israel
“People love cinnamon. It should be on tables at restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime anyone says, ‘Oh This is so good. What's in it?’ The answer invariably comes back: cinnamon. Cinnamon. Again and again.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Dinner Party
Tagged: cinnamon, salt, Pepper
“I'll tell you why. Because I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada
Tagged: Judaism, Religious Conversion, Joke Telling Immunity, Jokes
“Jerry. It's L.A. Nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Finale
Tagged: LA, Los Angeles, Whore
“I have a vague recollection of doing something with someone, but it was a long, long time ago.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 2: The Deal
Tagged: Sex, Abstinence
“Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 2: The Chinese Restaurant
Tagged: Hunger, Cannibalism
“Why do I always have the feeling that everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Parking Garage
Tagged: Weekends, Boredom
“How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you ask his ex-girlfriend out?”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Suicide
Tagged: Comas, Dating Etiquette, Exes
“You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine. Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car
Tagged: body odor, Stench, odor
“Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This is not just an odor—you need a priest to get rid of this thing.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car
Tagged: body odor, Priests, Exorcism
“Yeah...he’s specializing in whales. He's working on lowering the cholesterol level in whales...all that blubber—quite unhealthy. You know it’s the largest mammal on earth but as George says, ‘they don't have to be.’”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Marine Biologist
Tagged: Whales, Obesity, Cholesterol
“If I was a woman I'd be down at the dock waiting for the fleet to come in.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Stand-In
Tagged: Sex, Promiscuity, Female Sex Drive, Sluts
“I'll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is: If you're going out with someone your size, right there you double your wardrobe.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Opposite
Tagged: Homosexuality, Wardrobe
“Now, the ending is kind of an option. I use the swirl. I like the swirl. I'm comfortable with the swirl. I feel the swirl is a great capper. He uses the pinch, which I find a little presumptuous.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Fusilli Jerry
Tagged: Sex, The Move, David Puddy
“It's very difficult. Few men have the constitution for it. That's why breakups take two or three tries. You gotta build up your immunity.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Postponement
Tagged: Breakups, Immunity
“You didn't have makeup sex? How could you not have makeup sex? I mean that's the best feature of the heavy relationship.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Postponement
Tagged: Breakups, arguments, Sex, Makeup Sex, Relationshps
“If I date a taking person, everyone's taking, taking, taking, no one's giving—it's bedlam.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge
Tagged: Takers, Givers, Dating, Relationships
“I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others—I can't be with someone like that.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge
Tagged: Caregivers, Good People, Dating, Irony
“Parents never forget a foul-up. I once left a jacket on the bus when I was fourteen. Last week I'm flying to Chicago to do a show, ‘Make sure you hang on to your jacket.’”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Parking Garage
Tagged: Chicago, Parents, forgiveness
“I don’t get you. Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven?”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Suicide
Tagged: laziness, Unemployment, Vacations
“You know, nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes and you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Mango
Tagged: Sex, Female Orgasm, Effort
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