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Kyle Broflovski Quotes

Total quotes: 22
“Kyle: You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show, but it wasn't because of some magic goo. It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorizing people works.

Jesus: That's right. Don't you see, gingers? If you don't want to be made fun of anymore, all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop.

Santa Claus: That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear and be willing to hurt people and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence.

Stan: Yeah.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 14: 201
Tagged: jesus, Santa Calus, Violence
“Mrs. Cartman: Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.

Kyle: He must have a huge bone in his ass, then. [Cartman's mom bursts out laughing]

Cartman: Goddamn it, Mom!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 3: Hooked on Monkey Fonics
Tagged: fat, big-boned, Fat-Shaming, ass bone
“Priest Maxi: Good. Boys, how would you like to perform the Stations of the Cross this Friday night?

Stan: The what?

Priest Maxi: It's like a skit, where you re-enact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Kyle: Hey, res-erection! That's what my dad needs!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 3: Spontaneous Combustion
Tagged: stations of the cross, erection, skit
“Stan: Ah! A snake!

Kyle: No, dude, that's a branch.

Stan: Oh. Ah! It's a snake!

Kyle: No, dude, that's the same branch again.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 3: Rainforest Shmainforest
Tagged: fear of snakes
“Mrs. Crabtree: Don't get off the bus or a big scary monster will eat you! [she gets off the bus]

Butters: Hey, why isn't the monster eating her?

Kyle: Because, dumbass, monsters don't eat fat, ugly, smelly bitches.

Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Kyle: I said 'Larry King won't grant me three wishes.'

Mrs. Crabtree: Oh.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 2: City on the Edge of Forever
Tagged: Fat-Shaming, Bitches, ugly
“Stan: Boo!

Mr. Mackey: Who was that? That is not appropriate behavior, m'kay?

Stan: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] I'm sorry Mr. Mackey, m'kay.

Mr. Mackey: That's okay. Just don't let it happen again, m'kay.

Kyle: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] We won't let it happen again Mr. Mackey, m'kay.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 2: Ike's Wee Wee
Tagged: imitation, Mocking, M'Kay
“Mayor: The Chickenfucker struck again last night.

Kyle: Oh, no!

Officer Barbarady: Oh Mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the 'chicken lover.'

Mayor's Assistant: This time he made love to Carla Weathers's prize chicken. She's catatonic.

Barbrady: Who? Carla Weathers or the chicken?”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 2: Chickenlover
Tagged: Chickenfucker, Bestiality, Catatonic
“Officer Barbarady: Yes, at first I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical, but then I read this: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of its garbage, and because of this piece of shoot, I'm never reading again.

Stan/Kyle: Hooray for Barbarady!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 2: Chickenlover
Tagged: Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand, garbage, Reading
“Kenny: Oh my God! They killed Mephisto!

Kyle: You bastards!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 2: Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut
Tagged: Bastards
“Kyle: Stan, you can use family love as a weapon against Shelley. The next time she's going to kick your ass, just tell her 'Shelley, you're my sister and I love you.'

Kenny [muffled]: And I want to see you handling your breasts.

Stan: Sick, dude, she's my sister!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 1: An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig
Tagged: Family Love, kick your ass, I Love You, breasts, Harassment
“Mrs. Crabtree: Wait! What's that thing?! [referring to the elephant]

Kyle: Oh, this is the new retarded kid.

Mrs. Crabtree: Oh. I'm sorry, little girl, but you still can't get on. You have to take the Special Ed bus.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 1: An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig
Tagged: retarded kid, short bus, Elephant, antrhopomorphism
“Kyle: [into Cartman's ear] Hey, if you visitors can hear me, bring me back my little brother, goddamn it!

Cartman: Ow, that hurt, you buttlicker!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Screaming, earache
“Kyle: Dude, I have to save Ike! I don't even know what to do!

Stan: Well, we can't do anything now; that fat bitch won't let us.

Ms. Crabtree: [shouts] WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Stan: I said, 'Rabbits eat lettuce.'

Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Fat-Shaming, Misheard
“Kyle: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!

Ike: Don't kick the baby!

Kyle: Kick the baby.

[kicks Ike across the street, knocking over a row of mailboxes]”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: baby kicking
“Kyle: Do you really think my hat is stupid?

Stan: As a matter of fact, I think it is the nicest hat I have ever known.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 9: Follow That Egg
Tagged: hats, Backhanded Compliments
“Kyle: You guys! I have awesome news!

Cartman: You have AIDS?”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 7: Casa Bonita
Tagged: AIDS, humor
“This is terrible, dude. Maury Povich parades these poor people around on his show like carnival freaks and then gives them prizes at the end as if to justify it. What a dick!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 6: Freak Strike
Tagged: maury povich, carnival freaks, dick
“Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama! And you give Cartman a million dollars?!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 5: Cartmanland
Tagged: Alabama, Poverty, God
“Jesus: We have no choice, Kyle, You're going to have to kill me.

Kyle: What!

Jesus: Stab me with this! [shows Kyle the nail file] If I die I can resurrect outside the bars.

Kyle: No way! Do it yourself.

Jesus: Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle.

Kyle: Dude, you don't understand. I'm a Jew. I have a few hangups about killing Jesus.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 11: Fantastic Easter Special
Tagged: jesus, Suicide, blasphemy, Jews
“Mom! Dad! I have awesome news! The doctor who gave Mr. Garrison a sex-change said he could make me tall and black!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 9: Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina
Tagged: sex change, transracial
“Stan: Dude, are you okay?

Kyle: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 5: Cartmanland
Tagged: Hemorrhoid, hospital, Pain, Sarcasm
“So Jesus died and then three days later he had an erection.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 3: Spontaneous Combustion
Tagged: jesus, Resurrection, erection
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