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madazzahatter Quotes

Total quotes: 17
“I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen..."Dave!" shouted my wife. "Come away from the pond!"”
— madazzahatter, I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen...
Tagged: Snowmen, pond
“My wife and daughter are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing... "And they're off!"”
— madazzahatter, My wife and daughter are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing...
Tagged: Obsession, horse racing
“My psychologist told me this morning that they are working on a cure for dyslexia... 
It was like music to my arse...”
— madazzahatter, My psychologist told me this morning that they are working on a cure for dyslexia...
Tagged: Psychologist, Dyslexia
“"We need to talk..." 
Thought the caveman...”
— madazzahatter, "We need to talk..."
Tagged: Caveman, talking
“My son didn't cope well with going to jail... He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own poop. After that, we never played Monopoly again.”
— madazzahatter, My son didn't cope well with going to jail...
Tagged: Son, Monopoly
“Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side...
I mean, imagine all the peepholes.”
— madazzahatter, Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side...
Tagged: John Lennon, invention
“
I was clinging for dear life on the edge of the cliff..
As the rescue team approached, one of the guys shouted, "Whatever you do, don't look down!"
So I started smiling..”
— madazzahatter, I was clinging for dear life on the edge of the cliff...
Tagged: Rescue, Smile
“My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"
What a strange way to start a conversation with me...”
— madazzahatter, My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"
Tagged: Daughter, father
“My three favorite things...
...are eating my family and not using commas.”
— madazzahatter, My three favorite things...
Tagged: Favorite, punctuation
“I'm seriously considering asking my ex-wife to remarry me... But I'm worried she will think I'm just after her for my money.”
— madazzahatter, I'm seriously considering asking my ex-wife to remarry me...
Tagged: serious, consider, ex-wife, Marry, Money
“My girlfriend's dad is so religious, he won't let us sleep together... Which is a shame, because he's a really attractive man.”
— madazzahatter, My girlfriend's dad is so religious, he won't let us sleep together...
Tagged: Girlfriend, Dad, Religious, Sleep, Together, Shame, Attractive, Man
“Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed? Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"”
— madazzahatter, "Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"
Tagged: cop, smoking, glazed, Donuts
“Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?
I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...”
— madazzahatter, Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?
Tagged: Dishwasher, Television
“I have a chicken proof lawn...
It's impeccable.”
— madazzahatter, I have a chicken proof lawn...
Tagged: chicken, lawn
“Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school...
...never to be heard from again.”
— madazzahatter, Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school...
Tagged: Mime, School
“When it's sunny, I think, "beer garden!"
When it rains, I usually go to the bar for a while.
When it's snowing, I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.
I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather…”
— madazzahatter, When it's sunny, I think, "beer garden!"
Tagged: Weather, Alcohol Problem
“Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, ‘I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.”
— madazzahatter, Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"
Tagged: Parenting, Youth
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