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Michael Goldberg Quotes

Total quotes: 53
“Rudy Zolteck: How’d I do, coach?

Kevin O’Shea: I don’t know son. I don’t have a sundial.”
— Rudy Zolteck, Little Giants
Tagged: sundial, tryouts, slow
“Sean Murphy: [as The Cowboys have possession of the ball; to Rudy] Get ready, dog breath. Because when I’m finished with you, you’ll be farting out of your mouth and talking out of your butt!

Rudy Zolteck: [to Tad] Is that physically possible?

[the Cowboys hike the ball and Spike gains enough yards for a first down; during the play, Murphy sends Rudy flying and landing on his face; After the play, the Little Giants check on Rudy, who’s still down]

Tad: Are you all right?

Rudy Zolteck: [Talking out of his butt] I think so.

Tad: [Impressed] Huh! Guess it is possible.”
— Rudy Zolteck, Little Giants
Tagged: Dog Breath, Fart, Mouth, butt
“Briggs: Ready! Set! Go!

[Kevin takes off in a charging sprint toward a couch cushion, held by Karen]

Karen O’Shea: Kevin! Aah!

[Karen lets go of the cushion and Kevin goes flying out the window, landing crotch-first on a tree limb]

Kevin O’Shea: Oh! Doctor!

[in pain, he tilts and falls into their pool]”
— Rudy Zolteck, Little Giants
Tagged: Slapstick, Ow! My Balls
“Here’s a kiss for Murphey. And for Patterson and Briggs, too. [Farts loudly]”
— Rudy Zolteck, Little Giants
Tagged: kiss, Fart, Gross
“That’s it, I’m leaving the country. I’m moving to New Mexico.”
— Rudy Zolteck, Little Giants
Tagged: Expatriation, New Mexico
“Karen O’Shea: Kevin, this is pee wee football. It’s supposed to be fun.

Kevin O’Shea: Not fun anymore. See, all the fun is gone now. See now, it’s war!”
— Kevin O'Shea, Little Giants
Tagged: Pee Wee Football, Fun, War
“Kevin O’Shea: [Spike has gotten the Cowboys penalized for a personal foul on the Little Giants] Hammersmith, if that kid of yours pulls another stunt like that again, you are both out of here.

Mike Hammersmith: Hey, come on! I thought you wanted to win!

Kevin O’Shea: Not like that.”
— Kevin O'Shea, Little Giants
Tagged: Winning, Cheating
“Kevin O’Shea: Peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Are you nuts?

Rudy Zolteck: It’s still good!

Kevin O’Shea: You’ll never get anywhere treating your helmet like a lunchbox, son? What is that?

Butz: Cheeto’s.

Kevin O’Shea: Crunchy or puffed?

Butz: Puffed.

Kevin O’Shea: Wimp!

[Butz confiscates the food and walks off]

Rudy Zolteck: My mom made that!”
— Kevin O'Shea, Little Giants
Tagged: Cheeto's, Peanut Butter, wimp
“Butz: [spying on the Giants] This is incredible! They got the guards in the backfield! The center’s on the right! And the quarterback isn’t even there!

Kevin O’Shea: They’re just standing around, Butz.

Butz: Oh, yeah.”
— Kevin O'Shea, Little Giants
Tagged: Football, quarterback, backfield
“Becky O’Shea: [quietly doing a cheer] Give me a J. Give me a U. Give me a…

Danny O’Shea: Is that lipstick?

Becky O’Shea: No. It’s a cherry Tootsie Pop.”
— Danny O'Shea, Little Giants
Tagged: Tootsie Pop
“Danny O’Shea: I don’t know, but I’ve been told.

Little Giants: Butz’s butt is green with mold.

Danny O’Shea: You say thank you I say please.

Little Giants: Kevin sits down when he pees.”
— Danny O'Shea, Little Giants
Tagged: butt, mold, Pee, Rhyme
“Danny O’Shea: Hey, I got an idea. How about we go put some mud tires on the go cart?

Becky O’Shea: Nah. I don’t want to.

Danny O’Shea: Alright, forget the tires. How about we go camping in the woods! Make moose sounds?

Becky O’Shea: Nah.

Danny O’Shea: All right, forget the moose sounds.”
— Danny O'Shea, Little Giants
Tagged: Tires, Woods, Moose Sounds, Come-ons, Flirting
“Danny O’Shea: [Kevin and Danny are racing to claim the new player] This whole town may love you, but I’m the only one who knows how truly sick you are!

Kevin O’Shea: I treated you like a prince!

Danny O’Shea: You ignored me!

Kevin O’Shea: I took you to see the Cleveland Indians!

Danny O’Shea: You left me at the stadium!”
— Danny O'Shea, Little Giants
Tagged: Sick, Cleveland Indians, Ignored, Abandoned
“Danny O’Shea: [disguising his voice as a little old lady] State police? Oh, thank God! My name is Thelma Mae Rogers, I’m 86 years old, I live in Urbania. There are two men down the bridge from the Shell station spying on some kids! [passes the phone to Timmy, who starts to ‘cry’] I just don’t think it’s right for men their age to be parading around in their underwear!

Timmy Moore: Please, hurry!

Danny O’Shea: Oh no! [hangs up the phone] Nice job, Timmy. [they high-five]”
— Danny O'Shea, Little Giants
Tagged: State Police, Shell Station, Underwear, high five
“Danny O’Shea: [Recruiting Timmy] Do you play football?

Timmy Moore: No.

Danny O’Shea: Do you like football?

Timmy Moore: No.

Danny O’Shea: Do you want to play football?

Timmy Moore: No.

Danny O’Shea: Great, you can be on our team.”
— Danny O'Shea, Little Giants
Tagged: Football, Aloof
“[Danny is introducing the Little Giants to their parents]

Danny O’Shea: Rudy Zoleteck, your friendly neighborhood gas man!

Mr. Zolteck: Gas man? I don’t get it.

Mrs. Zolteck: Think about it.”
— Danny O'Shea, Little Giants
Tagged: friendly, Neighborhood, gas man
“[receiving their uniforms]

Tad: Death shrouds.

[flips one around]

Danny O’Shea: They’ve got your names on the back.

Jake Berman: So the guys at the morgue can identify the bodies.

Mike Hammersmith: What’s that cheerleader doing with a helmet on?

Kevin O’Shea: That’s no cheerleader, that’s my niece Becky. She’s pissed.”
— Danny O'Shea, Little Giants
Tagged: Morgue, helmet, Cheerleader, Pissed
“Derice Bannock: [Derice sees Sanka's breath in the cold Calgary air] Sanka mon, whatcha smoking?

Sanka Coffie: I'm not smoking, I'm breathing!”
— Derice Bannock, Cool Runnings
Tagged: smoking, condensation, Calgary
“'Cool Runnings' means 'Peace Be The Journey.'”
— Derice Bannock, Cool Runnings
Tagged: cool runnings, peace be the journey
“Junior Bevill: Seeming to you nobody likes us?

Yul Brenner: We're different. People are always afraid of what's different.”
— Lynn Siefert, Michael Goldberg, Tommy Swerdlow, Cool Runnings
Tagged: different, fear of difference
“Irv: Hi, I'd like to register for the tryouts.

Registration Official: What country?

Irv: Uh... [clears throat]  Jamaica.

Registration Official: [smiles] What country?

Irv: Jamaica.

Registration Official: [stops smiling and enters the information] Huh, what do you know? A Jamaican bobsled team.”
— Irving 'Irv' Blitzer, Cool Runnings
Tagged: bobsledding, jamaica
“This is what it's all about, this is whether you win or lose the race, right here in the push start! This is where you're gonna practice, right here, right here in a Volkswagen!”
— Irving 'Irv' Blitzer, Cool Runnings
Tagged: bobsledding, Volkswagen
“Winning a bobsled race is about one thing: the push-start. Now I know you dainty, little track stars think you're fast. Well, heh, let's see how fast you are when you push a six-hundred pound sled. Now a respectable start-time is five-point-seven seconds. If you speed demons can't whip off an even six flat, you have a better chance of becoming a barbershop quartet.”
— Irving 'Irv' Blitzer, Cool Runnings
Tagged: bobsledding, track stars, Dainty, respectable, barbershop quartet
“It's not so much the heat, it's the humidity that'll kill you.”
— Irving 'Irv' Blitzer, Cool Runnings
Tagged: Heat, Humidity, Blizzard, Irony
“All right, Derice. Let me lay out some difficulties for you. Snow: you don't have any. It's nine hundred degrees out there. Time: you don't have any. The Olympics are in three months. And me: you don't have me. As far as I'm concerned, the sport of bobsledding no longer exists. I don't want to do it, I don't want to coach it, and most of all, and I mean most of all, I don't want to be within two thousand miles of anybody who does. Now did you follow all that?”
— Irving 'Irv' Blitzer, Cool Runnings
Tagged: olympics, Time, bobsledding
“Irwin Blitzer: Gentlemen, a bobsled is a simple thing.

Man: Yeah, so's a toilet!”
— Irving 'Irv' Blitzer, Cool Runnings
Tagged: bobsled, Simple, Toilet, Analogies
“Oh, yeah, just one little drawback to this delightful winter sport. The high-speed crash. Ooh! That hurt. Always remember, your bones will not break in a bobsled. No, no, no. They shatter.”
— Irving 'Irv' Blitzer, Cool Runnings
Tagged: winter sports, bobsledding, bones shattering, Pain
“Irv: I told the owner of the bar that these guys were mentally disturbed, so he's not going to press any charges.

Sanka Coffie: Yeah! Sled god does it again!

Irv: Just shut up, Sanka.”
— Irving 'Irv' Blitzer, Cool Runnings
Tagged: sled god, mentally disturbed, criminal charges, shut up
“Josef Grul: Hey, Jamaica! Watch out for Number Twelve turn. Scary, ja?

Derice Bannock: What's his problem?

Irv: He's Josef Grul. He's one of the best drivers in the world.

Yul Brenner: Yeah, he's one of the biggest ASSHOLES in the world, too.”
— Irving 'Irv' Blitzer, Cool Runnings
Tagged: drivers, Assholes, Problem
“Come on, Kurt, what you're doing here is wrong, and you know it! Now if this is about you and me, let's lay it all down now. All right, sixteen years ago, I made the biggest mistake of my life: I cheated. I was stupid. I embarrassed myself, I embarrassed my country, my friends, my family, my teammates, [points to Kurt] and my coach. Hey, if it's revenge you want, take it. Go ahead, disqualify me, banish me! Do whatever you want, but do it to me! It was me who let you down, Kurt! It wasn't my guys! They've done everything you've asked of them! And they did it with all of you laughing in their face. Hey, it doesn't matter tomorrow if they come in first or fiftieth. Those guys have earned the right to walk into that stadium and wave their nation's flag. That's the single greatest honor an athlete can ever have. That's what the Olympics are all about. Sixteen years ago I forgot that. Don't you go and do the same.”
— Irving 'Irv' Blitzer, Cool Runnings
Tagged: Embarrassment, Honor, olympics, Revenge
“Our Father, who art in Calgary, Bobsled be thy name. Thy kingdom come, gold medals won, on Earth as it is in Turn Seven. With Liberty and Justice for Jamaica and Haile Selassie. Amen.”
— Irving 'Irv' Blitzer, Cool Runnings
Tagged: Our Father, Calgary, jamaica, Haile selassie
“Derice Bannock: Hey, Coach.

Irv: Yeah?

Derice Bannock: I have to ask you a question.

Irv: Sure.

Derice Bannock: But you don't have to answer if you don't want to. I mean, I want you to, but if you can't, I understand.

Irv: You wanna know why I cheated, right?

Derice Bannock: Yes, I do.

Irv: That's a fair question. It's quite simple, really. I had to win. You see, Derice, I'd made winning my whole life. And when you make winning your whole life, you have to keep on winning, no matter what. You understand that?

Derice Bannock: No, I don't understand. You won two gold medals. You had it all.

Irv: Derice, a gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you're not enough without one, you'll never be enough with one.

Derice Bannock: Hey, coach... how will I know if I'm enough?

Irv: When you cross that finish line tomorrow, you'll know.”
— Irving 'Irv' Blitzer, Cool Runnings
Tagged: Gold Medal, Cheating
“British Official: We must also be concerned about the potential for embarrassment.

Irv: Oh, pardon me. I didn't realize that four black guys in a bobsled could make you blush.”
— Irving 'Irv' Blitzer, Cool Runnings
Tagged: Embarrassment, black guys, blushing
“Yul Brenner: [the guys start climbing into the bobsled] Don't touch me!

Sanka Coffie: Hey, Baldie, get off my foot!

Yul Brenner: Don't touch me!”
— Sanka Coffie, Cool Runnings
Tagged: don't touch me, baldie
“Derice Bannock: You know, when the Swiss want to ge...

Sanka Coffie: Ah, will you shut up about the damn Swiss! I mean, it was all that 'eins zwei drei' nonsense that got us all nervous in the first place.

Derice Bannock: Hey, man, look here, I'm just trying to get us off on the right foot.

Sanka Coffie: Well, the right foot for us is not the Swiss foot. I mean, come on, Derice, we can't be copying nobody else's style. We have our own style.

Derice Bannock: Kissing an egg is no kind of style. It's the Olympics here, it's no stupid push-cart derby. [Long pause]

Sanka Coffie: Let me tell you something, rasta, I didn't come up here to forget who I am and where I come from.

Derice Bannock: Neither did I. I'm just trying to be the best I can be.

Sanka Coffie: So am I, and the best I can be is Jamaican. Look, Derice, I've known you since Julie Jeffreys asked to see your ding-a-ling, and I'm telling you as a friend... if we look Jamaican, walk Jamaican, talk Jamaican and IS Jamaican, then we sure as hell better bobsled Jamaican.”
— Sanka Coffie, Cool Runnings
Tagged: Jamaican, Swiss, Nervous
“Sanka Coffie: So, let's talk about this billsled team.

Derice Bannock: No, bobsled team.

Sanka Coffie: Whoever. Now, about the Wheaties box. I'm gunna be on it myself, right?

Derice Bannock: No, mon, you gunna be on it with me.”
— Sanka Coffie, Cool Runnings
Tagged: billsled, bobsled, wheaties
“[Sanka reveals a hot water bottle nestled under his shirt]
Derice Bannock: I can't believe you're still cold, mon.

Sanka Coffie: Cold? I'm freezing my royal Rastafarian nay-nays off!”
— Sanka Coffie, Cool Runnings
Tagged: cold, Freezing, testicles, rastafarian
“[about to be pushed off start]
Sanka Coffie: Oh, wait. Coach, I gotta go. You know?

Irv: Hold it.

Sanka Coffie: Hold it?

Irv: Hold it.

Sanka Coffie: Hold it?

Irv: Yeah, hold it!

Sanka Coffie: But, Coach, I can't hold it. We're not bobsledding yet.

Irv: Oh, yes we are. [pushes them off]

Sanka Coffie: Coach... Coach! [the bobsled picks up speed and careens down the track] Coach! COACH! Aaahh! Slow it down! Slow it—slow it down! Oh, my God! Oh, Derice, oh, Derice I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!”
— Sanka Coffie, Cool Runnings
Tagged: Urination
“Sanka Coffie: Hey! Hey! What you doin?

Derice Bannock: This is what the Swiss do to psych themselves up!

Sanka Coffie: They also make them little pocket knives, too, but I don't see you doing that!”
— Sanka Coffie, Cool Runnings
Tagged: Swiss, psych, pocket knives
“Sanka Coffie: Hey Derice! Ya dead?

Derice Bannock: No mon, I'm not dead. We have to finish the race...”
— Sanka Coffie, Cool Runnings
Tagged: dead
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