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Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Total quotes: 58
“I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day.”
— Mitch Hedberg, The Very Best Of Comedian - Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy, short, One-Liners
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: comedy, Stand-UP, humor, clever
“Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg 2004 Just For Laughs gala
Tagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Just For Laughs On The Edge
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy, food
“I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. ”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: Humour, Stand-UP
“I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.”
— Mitch Hedberg, MITCH HEDBERG - Just for Laughs (2002) | SUB ITA
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say "I'm gonna go shave, too."”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: comedy, Stand-UP, humor
“I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: Stand-UP, humor, comedy
“My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?”
— Mitch Hedberg, Do You Believe In Gosh: Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Do You Believe In Gosh : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: comedy, humor, Stand-UP
“I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I don't have a girlfriend, but I know a woman who would get really angry if she heard me say that.”
— Mitch Hedberg, What is your favorite one-liner joke? • /r/AskReddit
Tagged: Funny Quotes, Girlfriend, Dating, Relationships, Couple Fights
“I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. "Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!"”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. Oh, you're a king you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! ”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls... But on the day the rubber was supposed to show up, a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said "Fuck it, cut em up!"”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: comedy, Stand-UP, humor
“I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, "Can I help you?" 
"Just practicing."”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I was gonna stay overnight at my friend's house, he said "You're going to have to sleep on the floor."
Damn gravity. Got me again! ”
— Mitch Hedberg, MITCH HEDBERG - Just for Laughs (2002) | SUB ITA
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Being a Comedian in Hollywood-Comedy Central Presents - Video Clip | Comedy Central
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations: Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. ”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. ”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg Live @ Amherst College (9 of 9)
Tagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Do You Believe In Gosh : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green"… Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.”
— Mitch Hedberg, MITCH HEDBERG - Just for Laughs (2002) | SUB ITA
Tagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“This shirt is 'dry-clean only'... Which means it's dirty.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I've got an idea for sweat shops: Air Conditioning! Problem solved.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Do You Believe In Gosh : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: comedy, Stand-UP, humor
“My hotel doesn't have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c'mon man... People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on.
"What room are you in?" 
"1401". 
"No, you're not. Jump out of window, you'll die earlier!"”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.'”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
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