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Selma Nemer Quotes

Total quotes: 14
“The narcissistic father does well receiving adoration, but the giving process is incomplete; it lacks empathy from the father back to the daughter. The reflective function breaks down, and the father keeps the adoration for himself, to fill a void. The daughter remains unseen. Her function is to mirror the father, and any other seeing is betrayal.”
— Selma Nemer, The Beheaded Goddess: Daughters of Narcissistic Fathers
“An integrated woman is powerful, erotic, insightful, and grounded, and this is too great a threat to a divided father-husband.”
— Selma Nemer, The Beheaded Goddess: Daughters of Narcissistic Fathers
Tagged: powerful woman
“Grandiosity, self-importance, and requiring admiration and compliance with his own expectations are the attributes of the narcissistic father. The narcissistic father is critical and perfectionistic to the point where no one can meet his standards. The father gives loyalty to those who hold the father in esteem. There are winners and losers; the winner reflects wants and desires of the father, and the loser is cut off and no longer exists.”
— Selma Nemer, The Beheaded Goddess: Daughters of Narcissistic Fathers
Tagged: Narcissistic Fathers, Narcissistic Abuse
“The father needs to affirm to the daughter his way of loving her. The acknowledgment can be in words or action but must be clear and not hidden; otherwise the message she receives is that she is unlovable or that love is something shameful, needing to be hidden.”
— Selma Nemer, The Beheaded Goddess: Daughters of Narcissistic Fathers
Tagged: Parenting, Fatherhood, Fathers and Daughters
“A daughter of narcissistic abuse idealizes her father to compensate for the reality of his persecution; otherwise, she could not exist, for existence would be intolerable in a world where primary figures, which should be protective and loving, are not.”
— Selma Nemer, The Beheaded Goddess: Daughters of Narcissistic Fathers
Tagged: Narcissistic Fathers, Narcissistic Abuse
“Yet abuse is attention, which habituates one to defeat and numbness.”
— Selma Nemer, The Beheaded Goddess: Daughters of Narcissistic Fathers
Tagged: Abuse, Numbness
“Each daughter of a narcissistic father experienced the need to perform, excel, care for others, and provide, never again to be vulnerable, where the libido experienced a lack of mirroring, absence and loss. Each daughter had to be better than her mother in order to be loved, but was not loved for herself, but rather only as she met the father's expectations and needs.”
— Selma Nemer, The Beheaded Goddess: Daughters of Narcissistic Fathers
Tagged: Narcissistic Fathers, Narcissistic Abuse
“Beheaded goddesses, daughters of patriarchy, have a choice: give up or fight.”
— Selma Nemer, The Beheaded Goddess: Daughters of Narcissistic Fathers
Tagged: Patriarchy, feminism
“The emptiness and chaotic infantile needs of a narcissistic father for merger with the feminine are unmet by a collapsed and depressed wife who has either chosen to subjugate her power to support the male myth or has had it belittled away. The mother equates pleasing with acceptance and love. This initiates collusion: the narcissistic father will reign as tyrant king and the mother will denigrate her own voice and power, reining them in to support the narcissistic kingdom.”
— Selma Nemer, The Beheaded Goddess: Daughters of Narcissistic Fathers
Tagged: Narcissistic Fathers, Narcissistic Abuse
“It is safer not to emit the essence of one's self, for this will be taken and burned. And so the spark of self goes into hiding.”
— Selma Nemer, The Beheaded Goddess: Daughters of Narcissistic Fathers
Tagged: Self Hibernation
“A positive father is boundaried while emotionally available, mirroring regard and acceptance of a daughter's feminine essence and sexuality as it grows and develops. He can argue, state his position, and disagree while remaining respectful of a daughter's evolving process. The mature father gently acknowledges the physical and emotional changes a daughter experiences without reactive envy. The narcissistic father, on the other hand, is envious of attentions given to anyone other than him.”
— Selma Nemer, The Beheaded Goddess: Daughters of Narcissistic Fathers
Tagged: Fatherhood
“A daughter of a narcissistic father unconsciously sacrifices her self, seething and stuffing the resentment. For years she may not even know she is angry, yet symptoms appear. The shell begins to crack; the veneer is thin. Her authentic wants and needs have never been experienced, so they cannot be voiced or heard. She is mute, alone, and this she hides even from herself.”
— Selma Nemer, The Beheaded Goddess: Daughters of Narcissistic Fathers
Tagged: Narcissistic Fathers, Narcissistic Abuse, Daughters of Narcissistic Fathers
“In the telling of our stories, a transformation occur — the ah-ha of insight.”
— Selma Nemer, The Beheaded Goddess: Daughters of Narcissistic Fathers
Tagged: Importance of Storytelling, Stories Matter
“Daughters of narcissistic fathers learn rules by observing the relationship of the mother and father. Roles become unconsciously internalized.”
— Selma Nemer, The Beheaded Goddess: Daughters of Narcissistic Fathers
Tagged: Narcissistic Fathers, Parental Narcissism
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