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Tim Taylor Quotes

Total quotes: 28
“Tim: My sons are interested in baseball cards as an investment, and they don't wanna get ripped off.

Salesman: Sorry, all we do here is rip people off. Store policy.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 3: Dollars And Sense
Tagged: ripoff, baseball cards
“Randy: My dad's been in the hospital so much they gave him a preferred customer card.

Tim: Yeah, one more head injury and we win a trip to Hawaii.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 3: This Joke's For You
Tagged: hospital, head injury
“If I wanted something my brother had, I'd knock him down and take it.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: Much Ado About Nana
Tagged: Sibling rivalry
“Jill: I am so glad that I didn't let anybody talk me out of marrying you.

Tim: Who tried to talk you out of marrying me?

Jill: Oh no one, you know, my mom, my dad, my sisters, my cousins, the minister, the post man, some guy down at the mail box, you know, oh and Sheila, who said to me, 'Don't marry him, I know a loser when I see one'.

Tim: Good thing she was wrong.

Jill: Who said she was wrong?”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: You're Driving Me Crazy, You're Driving Me Nuts
Tagged: Husband-Bashing, Misandry
“Tim: I go to the opera with you.

Jill: Oh, once. I've sat through three Rambo movies. When was the last time you took me to a foreign film?

Tim: Didn't we just see Le Robocop?”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: Love Is A Many Splintered Thing
Tagged: french, rambo, robocop, Opera
“Tim: If I ever said it was hard living with you, just say one word, 'Al'.

Jill: It's that bad, huh?

Tim: His mother recorded his whole life on video tape. Last night it was three hours of Muskie Fishing With Uncle Phil. Did you know that in the seventh grade he built a replica of the Washington Monument out of Popsicle sticks?

Jill: Lot's of kids do stuff like that.

Tim: It was life-sized.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: Roomie For Improvement
Tagged: washington Monument
“Tim: There's two different types of pain. Pain and man pain.

Mark: What's man pain?

Tim: Man pain is when you do something stupid.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: Groin Pains
Tagged: Pain, Man Pain
“If a woman holds up a stop sign, if she designed it, it would say 'If you really knew me, you'd know what you should do right now.'”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: Read My Hips
Tagged: Women, Evasiveness, Beating around the bush
“Tim: How many times have you been married?

Fred: Three.

Tim: Why do you suppose that is?

Fred: I can't find a woman who understands me.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Luck Be A Taylor Tonight
Tagged: Marriage, Misunderstood, Self-awareness
“Al: Anyone can do what you do.

Tim: Oh, really? You think you could do what I do?

Al: Oh, please. How hard could it be to tell bad jokes and screw up all the time?

Tim: A lot harder than it looks.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: A Battle Of Wheels
Tagged: Self-deprecation
“Jill Taylor: [the family's out camping and Tim just got back from the car] Oh thank God, I was getting worried. I heard this awful howling.

Tim Taylor: Oh, that was me. Couldn't find any leaves, had to use a pine cone.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Baby, It's Cold Outside
Tagged: public defecation, no toilet paper
“Jill: We're keeping score.

Tim: I thought you didn't want to keep score.

Jill: Oh, is the great big, bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is going to beat him?

Tim: Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the big, bad bowling man is going to leave her in the PARKING LOT?”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Up Your Alley
Tagged: arguments, keeping score, itty-bitty
“Mark Taylor: I have a woman—Mommy.

Randy Taylor: Your mommy can't be your woman, doofus.

Tim Taylor: A lot of men pay a psychiatrist a lot of money to figure that one out.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Look Who's Not Talking
Tagged: Mommy Issues
“This is an excuse, women, and you're not the type to have excuses. You need to be taught. I don't think you're stupid just 'cause you don't know anything....You know, I—that didn't come out right.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Reach Out And Teach Someone
Tagged: excuses, insults
“Jill Taylor: I thought you said it was a technical problem.

Tim Taylor: Technically, I was the problem.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Bubble, Bubble, Toil And Trouble
Tagged: technical problem
“Tim Taylor: I like to create, Wilson. Everything I do, I wanna make bigger and better.

Wilson: Well, Tim, this obsessive desire to create partly happens because men feel inferior to women. [Tim grunts, perplexed]
It's because we can't bear children.

Tim Taylor: Ah, I don't mind the boys that much.

Wilson: No no no, Tim; what I mean is, women can give birth, and we can't.

Tim Taylor: And we sure lucked out on that part.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Bubble, Bubble, Toil And Trouble
Tagged: Misandry, Giving Birth
“Tim Taylor: I'm gonna let you guys in on a little secret, all right? Women, as we know them, are born without a face.

Randy Taylor: Bull!

Tim Taylor: Listen to me—women are like a Mr. Potato Head. You've heard your mom say every now and then, 'Excuse me, fellas, I've gotta go upstairs and put my face on.' She scurries up here, and draws one on with this stuff.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Bubble, Bubble, Toil And Trouble
Tagged: Women, Mr. Potato Head, Put your face on, Makeup
“Jill Taylor: They broke the mirror, they put in the wrong tiling, we've got a cement...

Jill Taylor: [suddenly seeing her new whirlpool bath] Oh, wow, wow, what's this?

Tim Taylor: This is what will make it all worthwhile: Your new whirlpool.

Jill Taylor: Oh, Tim, it's so beautiful. Look at the color; it's perfect.

Tim Taylor: Not to mention seven adjustable jets, three speeds—low, medium and 'who needs a man?'”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Bubble, Bubble, Toil And Trouble
Tagged: Women and Shower Nozzles, Whirlpool
“Tonight, when I'm cookin' that chili, I'll cut up this cauliflower, and we'll tell them we've got rabbit brains in there.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Flying Sauces
Tagged: chili, cauliflower, rabbit brains, Absurd, Gross
“You know why I like tools? Because they fix things—you tear down a motor, see the problem, it's right there—boom; it's fixed. I wish I could fix things between us that easily.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Nothing More Than Feelings
Tagged: Tools
“Jill: What, do you have rocks in your head? Don't you think?

Tim: Let's talk about who doesn't think for a minute—who drove around for two days with the oil light on?

Jill: Wait—I thought you said you weren't going to bring up the oil light.

Tim: With all those rocks in my head, sometimes I don't know what I'm sayin'!”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Nothing More Than Feelings
Tagged: Husband-Bashing, arguments
“Tim: It's a warning light; didn't it occur to you there might be a little problem?

Jill: I thought if there was a problem with the car that the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer.

Tim: A buzzer? It's a car, not a game show.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Nothing More Than Feelings
Tagged: warning light, buzzer, game show
“Tim Taylor: A live chicken? Brad, who the hell do you hang out with?

Brad Taylor: Mom...

Jill Taylor: What?

Brad Taylor: Dad's cussing.

Tim Taylor: I wasn't cussing.

Mark Taylor: He said a bad word.

Tim Taylor: It wasn't bad.

Randy Taylor: Yeah, he said 'hell' and 'damn'.

Tim Taylor: I did not say 'damn'.

Randy Taylor: Now you did.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Adventures In Fine Dining
Tagged: Cussing
“Tim: What about you, Wilson? What are you afraid of?

Wilson: I do have one underlying fear, Tim—I'm afraid that reality, as we know it, is someone else's dream. When the dreamer wakes, I'll no longer exist.

Tim: ...Wilson, I wouldn't share that with too many people.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Wild Kingdom
Tagged: Fear, Dreams, Insanity
“Jill Taylor: Tim, what do you actually know about installing a satellite dish?

Tim Taylor: It's simple. Mount it, point it straight up. Any man could do that.

Jill Taylor: Yeah, but it has to stay up longer than ten seconds.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Satellite On A Hot Tim's Roof
Tagged: Husband-Bashing
“Tim Taylor: I don't know what it is about football and me; I'm obsessed, I think.

Wilson: Well, why do you think that is, Tim?

Tim Taylor: I think it's 'cause I love it, Wilson. I love the surprise, and the strategy, and the strength, and the big guys with the logos and the colorful helmets, the shine of the pads, and the mouth guards and the cleats, and the hittin', the impact, the swearin', the sweatin', arr arr arr arr!... It sets me free!”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Off Sides
Tagged: Football, Obsession
“Jill Taylor: [discussing Jill's upcoming job interview] Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night.

Tim Taylor: No; I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was 'NO!'

Jill Taylor: [smirking] You're thinking of tonight.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Listening, not tonight
“Tim: Jill got mad at me because I didn't listen to her.

Wilson: No, I think she got mad at you because you blew up the damn dishwasher.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Mad, Listening, arguments
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