1. People
    2.  › 
  2. Trey Parker
Trey Parker photo

Trey Parker Quotes

Total quotes: 228
“The fact is, I couldn't sleep last night, so I took some Ambien. You ever take that stuff? It turns your brains into oatmeal.”
— Mr. Hankey, South Park, Season 22: The Problem with a Poo
Tagged: Ambien, Brain Fog
“The fact is, I couldn't sleep last night, so I took some Ambien. You ever take that stuff? It turns your brains into oatmeal.”
— Mr. Hankey, South Park, Season 22: The Problem with a Poo
Tagged: Ambien, Brain Fog
“How do you kill that which has no life?”
— Horrgash, South Park, Season 10: Make Love, Not Warcraft
Tagged: Walking Dead
“How do you kill that which has no life?”
— Horrgash, South Park, Season 10: Make Love, Not Warcraft
Tagged: Walking Dead
“Stan: Dad, you like to drink. So have a drink once in a while. Have two. If you devote your whole life to completely avoiding something you like, then that thing still controls your life and you've never learned any discipline at all.

Randy: But, maybe...I'm just the kind of person who needs to have it all or nothing.

Stan: All or nothing is easy. But learning to drink a little bit, responsibly, that's a discipline. Discipline comes from within.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 9: Bloody Mary
Tagged: Drinking, Alcoholism, All Or Nothing, Discipline
“Stan: Dad, you like to drink. So have a drink once in a while. Have two. If you devote your whole life to completely avoiding something you like, then that thing still controls your life and you've never learned any discipline at all.

Randy: But, maybe...I'm just the kind of person who needs to have it all or nothing.

Stan: All or nothing is easy. But learning to drink a little bit, responsibly, that's a discipline. Discipline comes from within.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 9: Bloody Mary
Tagged: Drinking, Alcoholism, All Or Nothing, Discipline
“Well yeah, and I'm sad, but at the same time I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin' really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I'm feelin' is like a, beautiful sadness.”
— Butters, South Park, Season 7: Raisins
Tagged: Sadness, Happiness, Feelings, Being Alive
“If you want to find some quality friends, you have to wade through all the dicks first.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 14: You Have 0 Friends
Tagged: Friends, Dicks
“If you want to find some quality friends, you have to wade through all the dicks first.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 14: You Have 0 Friends
Tagged: Friends, Dicks
“Gary Harrison: [to Stan] Look, maybe us Mormons do believe in crazy stories that make absolutely no sense, and maybe Joseph Smith did make it all up, but I have a great life, and a great family, and I have the Book of Mormon to thank for that. The truth is, I don't care if Joseph Smith made it all up, because what the church teaches now is loving your family, being nice and helping people. And even though people in this town might think that's stupid, I still choose to believe in it. All I ever did was try to be your friend, Stan, but you're so high and mighty you couldn't look past my religion and just be my friend back. You've got a lot of growing up to do, buddy. Suck my balls.
[turns around and walks off]

Eric Cartman: Damn, that kid is cool, huh?”
— Gary Harrison, South Park, Season 7: All About Mormons
Tagged: Mormons, joseph smith, suck my balls
“I'll tell you what happened, son! See, there's a bunch of idiots out there who weren't happy with what they had! They wanted a bigger house and materialistic things that they didn't even need. People with no money who got loans to buy frivolous things they had no business buying. And these assholes just blindly started buying any stupid thing that looked appealing, cause they thought money was endless! It goes back to when the government had the idea that everyone in America deserves to own a house, and they couldn't pay their mortgage because they couldn't afford them. So we have people having a hard time paying off their loans, meaning less money coming in. And the idiots couldn't see that by doing all this frivolous spending they were mocking the economy. And they made the economy very angry. We're all feeling the economy's vengeance because of materialistic heathens who did stupid things with their money! Do you understand, son?”
— Randy Marsh, South Park, Season 13: Margaritaville
Tagged: Materialism, Greed, Capitalism, Economy
“I'll tell you what happened, son! See, there's a bunch of idiots out there who weren't happy with what they had! They wanted a bigger house and materialistic things that they didn't even need. People with no money who got loans to buy frivolous things they had no business buying. And these assholes just blindly started buying any stupid thing that looked appealing, cause they thought money was endless! It goes back to when the government had the idea that everyone in America deserves to own a house, and they couldn't pay their mortgage because they couldn't afford them. So we have people having a hard time paying off their loans, meaning less money coming in. And the idiots couldn't see that by doing all this frivolous spending they were mocking the economy. And they made the economy very angry. We're all feeling the economy's vengeance because of materialistic heathens who did stupid things with their money! Do you understand, son?”
— Randy Marsh, South Park, Season 13: Margaritaville
Tagged: Materialism, Greed, Capitalism, Economy
“Randy Marsh: Alright, now listen kids. There's some things that we need to put into context for you. You see, a man puts his penis into a woman's vagina for both love and pleasure. But sometimes the woman lays on top of the man facing the other way so that they can put each other's genitals in their mouths. This is called 69ing, and it's normal.

Sharon Marsh: You see boys, a woman is sensitive in her vagina and it feels good to have a man's penis inside of it.

Sheila Broflovski: That's right. But sometimes a woman chooses to use other things. Telephones, staplers, magazines. It's because the nerve endings in the vagina are so sensitive, it's like a fun tickle.

Gerald Broflovski: Now, on the double penetration boys, you see, sometimes when a woman has sex with more than one man, each man makes love to a different orifice.

Randy Marsh: That's right. It's something adults can do with really good friends in a comfortable setting.

Sheila Broflovski: It's also important that you understand why some people choose to urinate on each other.

Randy Marsh: Going number one or number two on your lover is something people might do, but you must make sure your partner is okay with it before you start doing it.

Gerald Broflovski: Okay, boys, do you have any questions?

Stan Marsh: [astonished] Wow.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 6: The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers
Tagged: sex ed, Sexual Education, penis, Vagina, sex toys, 69
“Randy Marsh: Alright, now listen kids. There's some things that we need to put into context for you. You see, a man puts his penis into a woman's vagina for both love and pleasure. But sometimes the woman lays on top of the man facing the other way so that they can put each other's genitals in their mouths. This is called 69ing, and it's normal.

Sharon Marsh: You see boys, a woman is sensitive in her vagina and it feels good to have a man's penis inside of it.

Sheila Broflovski: That's right. But sometimes a woman chooses to use other things. Telephones, staplers, magazines. It's because the nerve endings in the vagina are so sensitive, it's like a fun tickle.

Gerald Broflovski: Now, on the double penetration boys, you see, sometimes when a woman has sex with more than one man, each man makes love to a different orifice.

Randy Marsh: That's right. It's something adults can do with really good friends in a comfortable setting.

Sheila Broflovski: It's also important that you understand why some people choose to urinate on each other.

Randy Marsh: Going number one or number two on your lover is something people might do, but you must make sure your partner is okay with it before you start doing it.

Gerald Broflovski: Okay, boys, do you have any questions?

Stan Marsh: [astonished] Wow.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 6: The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers
Tagged: sex ed, Sexual Education, penis, Vagina, sex toys, 69
“Well, thanks for offering to let me in your clique, guys, but, to be honest, I'd rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy Goth kid.”
— Butters, South Park, Season 7: Raisins
Tagged: Pussy, faggy, goth, Clique
“Kyle: You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show, but it wasn't because of some magic goo. It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorizing people works.

Jesus: That's right. Don't you see, gingers? If you don't want to be made fun of anymore, all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop.

Santa Claus: That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear and be willing to hurt people and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence.

Stan: Yeah.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 14: 201
Tagged: jesus, Santa Calus, Violence
“News Anchor: Any word on how the survivors in the town are doing, Mitch?

Reporter: We are not exactly sure what is going on inside the town of Beaverton Tom, but we are reporting that there's looting, raping and yes, even acts of cannibalism.

News Anchor: My God, you've actually seen people looting, raping and eating each other?

Reporter: No we haven't actually seen it Tom, we're just reporting it.”
— News Anchor, South Park, Season 9: Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow
Tagged: News, Fake News, tabloid journalism, beaverton, Looting, Raping, Cannibalism
“Kyle, every boy pays for kisses. Do you know what I am saying? If you’ve got a girl, and she kisses you, sooner or later you’re paying for it. You’ve gotta take her out to lunch, take her to a movie, and then spend time listenin’ to all her stupid problems. Look, look at Stan right there. [Kyle turns to see Stan, who’s listening to Wendy over at the merry-go-round] Why he’s gotta sit there and listen to her stupid motherfuckin’ problems ‘cause she kisses him. If you ask me, that’s a lot more than the five dollars my company charges.”
— Butters, South Park, Season 13: Butters' Bottom Bitch
Tagged: Kissing, prostitution, Paying For Sex
“Butters: Oh well, when I get a chipotle blue-cheese bacon burger at Bennigan's, I forget all about my dad being queer and my mom is trying to kill me. I'm going to be okay.

Stan: Really?

Butters: No, I'm lying.”
— Butters, South Park, Season 5: Butters' Very Own Episode
Tagged: Queer, bennigan's
“Truck Driver: Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some goddamn poontang.

Butters: Yeah. I could use some goddamn poontang myself right now.”
— Butters, South Park, Season 5: Butters' Very Own Episode
Tagged: poontang, Goddamn
“...and these are Puff Daddy's kids: P-Diddy Mini, P-Poofy Bite-Size, and Puffa-Diddy Diddy Puff Fun-Size.”
— Will Smith Jr., South Park, Season 5: Here Comes the Neighborhood
Tagged: P. Diddy, Nicknames
“...and these are Puff Daddy's kids: P-Diddy Mini, P-Poofy Bite-Size, and Puffa-Diddy Diddy Puff Fun-Size.”
— Will Smith Jr., South Park, Season 5: Here Comes the Neighborhood
Tagged: P. Diddy, Nicknames
“ America may have some problems, but it's our home, our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 5: Osama bin Laden Has Farty Pants
Tagged: America, Patriotism, Home Team
“ America may have some problems, but it's our home, our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 5: Osama bin Laden Has Farty Pants
Tagged: America, Patriotism, Home Team
“Chef: Parents. There are reasons why teachers can't teach sex in school. They might not know a lot about it, [camera fixes on Mr. Mackey] they might have a bad opinion of it, [camera moves to Ms. Choksondik] or they might just be a complete pervert. [camera moves to Mr. Garrison]

Mr. Garrison: Hey! Why'd the camera pan over to me?”
— Chef, South Park, Season 5: Proper Condom Use
Tagged: Sex Education, Pervert
“You think that sex is about fun and games and love? Wrong! Sex is about disease.”
— Miss Choksondik, South Park, Season 5: Proper Condom Use
Tagged: Sex, Love, Fun, Games, disease, STDs
“You think that sex is about fun and games and love? Wrong! Sex is about disease.”
— Miss Choksondik, South Park, Season 5: Proper Condom Use
Tagged: Sex, Love, Fun, Games, disease, STDs
“Didn't you hear the letter? This poor kid has cancer! In his ass!”
— Thom Yorke, South Park, Season 5: Scott Tenorman Must Die
Tagged: ass cancer, Benefit Concert, Radiohead
“Randy Marsh: You do not say 'big silly goose,' you call him an asshole like a normal kid!

Stan: But Dad, I was just trying to—

Randy Marsh: Stanley, you call your friend an asshole this instant!

Stan: [to Cartman] Asshole.

Randy Marsh: That's better.

Cartman: Don't call me an asshole, you big son of a bitch!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 5: Cripple Fight
Tagged: asshole, Son of a Bitch, Assertiveness
“Randy Marsh: You do not say 'big silly goose,' you call him an asshole like a normal kid!

Stan: But Dad, I was just trying to—

Randy Marsh: Stanley, you call your friend an asshole this instant!

Stan: [to Cartman] Asshole.

Randy Marsh: That's better.

Cartman: Don't call me an asshole, you big son of a bitch!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 5: Cripple Fight
Tagged: asshole, Son of a Bitch, Assertiveness
“Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle. What's the matter, you got some sand in your vagina?”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 5: It Hits the Fan
Tagged: irritable, sand in your vagina
“Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle. What's the matter, you got some sand in your vagina?”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 5: It Hits the Fan
Tagged: irritable, sand in your vagina
“Cartman: Mom, tell them how everyone in your family was big-boned. Tell them how they were fat, but grew into their bodies when they got older.

Liane Cartman: Oh, sweetie, those were all lies. You're just fat.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 4: Fat Camp
Tagged: big-boned, fat, Fat-Shaming, Lies
“Cartman: Mom, tell them how everyone in your family was big-boned. Tell them how they were fat, but grew into their bodies when they got older.

Liane Cartman: Oh, sweetie, those were all lies. You're just fat.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 4: Fat Camp
Tagged: big-boned, fat, Fat-Shaming, Lies
“Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?

Chef: Dagnabbit children! How come every time you come in here, you gotta be asking me questions that I shouldn't be answering?! 'Chef, what's a clitoris?' 'What's a lesbian, Chef?' 'How come they call it a rim job, Chef?' For once, can't you just come in here and say 'Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?'

Stan: Okay. Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?

Chef: It sure is!

Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?”
— Chef, South Park, Season 4: Fat Camp
Tagged: Prostitute, clitoris, Lesbian, rim job
“Pip: Joe, do you know anything about women?

Joe: Sure! They're those things with vaginas in 'em!”
— Pip, South Park, Season 4: Pip
Tagged: Women, Vaginas
“Mr. Garrison: What the hell is that? [walks to the window and looks out] Oh my God! What is that thing?! Children, there's some huge bulbous monstrosity heading for the classroom! [some of the kids slink down in their seats] Oh my God, it's awful! It's coming for the door. [the doorknob turns and the kindergartners crouch in terror]

Rosie O'Donnell: Hello, kids!”
— Mr. Garrison, South Park, Season 4: Trapper Keeper
Tagged: Rosie O'Donnell
“Mr. Garrison: What the hell is that? [walks to the window and looks out] Oh my God! What is that thing?! Children, there's some huge bulbous monstrosity heading for the classroom! [some of the kids slink down in their seats] Oh my God, it's awful! It's coming for the door. [the doorknob turns and the kindergartners crouch in terror]

Rosie O'Donnell: Hello, kids!”
— Mr. Garrison, South Park, Season 4: Trapper Keeper
Tagged: Rosie O'Donnell
“God: [after hearing Satan's story] Jesus, what the heck happened to you?

Satan: Huh?

God: You got kicked out of here for being a headstrong rebel. And now you're a whiny little bitch.”
— God, South Park, Season 4: Probably
Tagged: God, satan, jesus, Heaven, rebel, Whiny, Bitch
“God: [after hearing Satan's story] Jesus, what the heck happened to you?

Satan: Huh?

God: You got kicked out of here for being a headstrong rebel. And now you're a whiny little bitch.”
— God, South Park, Season 4: Probably
Tagged: God, satan, jesus, Heaven, rebel, Whiny, Bitch
loading next page...