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Bill Murray Quotes

Total quotes: 82
“In my case, you know, I hate to advocate drugs or liquor, violence, insanity to anyone. But in my case it's worked.”
— Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, Where the Buffalo Roam
Tagged: liquor, Violence, Drugs, Insanity
“Tripper: I'm takin' the C.I.T.s on an overnight for the next couple days so you're gonna have to do your own training, son. I want you to run two miles today and two and a half tomorrow.

Rudy: I've never run that far.

Tripper: Neither have I but somebody's gotta do it. I can't be expected to do it. Somebody's gotta do it, and it can't be me. Because I'm too busy. I've responsibilities. I'm the entertainment director for the overnight.

[Holds up a bottle of wine]”
— Triipper Harrison, Meatballs
Tagged: Training, Responsibilities
“OK, the zone's not working. They're a little too big to play man-to-man. And we can't shoot for shit.”
— Triipper Harrison, Meatballs
Tagged: Basketball, zone defense, Shit
“[with the CITs around a campfire] It's a weird moon. The moon kills, you know. It feeds off the earth. On a night like this, one of us could get up in the middle of the night, grab an ax, and cut somebody's head off. I remember a night like this, a few years ago. A guy and a girl went out driving. It was one of their first dates. It started out kind of casual, but they ended up deciding to go park, not too far from here, as a matter of fact. While they're going at it, listening to the radio, all of a sudden, a news bulletin broke in: ‘A dangerous lunatic has escaped from the hospital for the criminally insane at Two Pines.’ They described him as a monster, six-and-a-half-feet tall, with one horrible distinguishing feature, a sharpened stainless-steel hook where his right hand used to be! That was enough for the guy. He slammed the car into gear, floored it, bounced off a tree, didn't stop till they got to the girl's house. Got out of his side, walked around to hers. There, hanging in the door, covered with blood—was a stainless-steel hook! The strangest part, is that after all these years, after the biggest manhunt in Two Pines' history, they never found the killer. Some people say he's still up here in the woods, waiting for the chance to kill again. And I say... I say they're right!

[Trip sticks a hook out of his sleeve. Everyone screams]
”
— Triipper Harrison, Meatballs
Tagged: Moon, campfire stories, Killer, Criminally Insane
“Tripper: Roxanne, I have what doctors call ‘very active glands.’ You're the first person I've told, my folks don't even know.

Roxanne: Well, maybe you can have surgery without them knowing.

Tripper: Awww, heck with surgery! Let's wrestle!”
— Triipper Harrison, Meatballs
Tagged: glands, Surgery, Sex Drive, Wrestling
“Rudy: I saw you dancing with Roxanne.

Tripper: Oh yeah? Well, she sorta cornered me and there was nothing I could do without embarrassing her.

Rudy: Do you like her?

Tripper: Well I feel sorry for her, you know. She's got a glass eye. And, uh, I'm one of the few people who knows exactly which eye to look at when they're talking to her, so she's sort of fixated on me.

Rudy: Well, I like her.

Tripper: Well you're not exactly known for your taste. I'll probably just use her for the rest of the summer and then throw her on the scrap heap with all the rest of the women that I've destroyed.”
— Triipper Harrison, Meatballs
Tagged: Dancing, player
“Mmmmm. Look at all those steaming wieners. Do you know what they're saying? They're saying, ‘This is the year that Fink beats 'The Stomach'. [Fink picks up a hot dog and holds it to his ear] No, it's a couple of them over here... but they're saying it.”
— Triipper Harrison, Meatballs
Tagged: Hot Dogs, Anthropomorphism
“Kids are starving in India and you're walking around with a sombrero full of peanuts.”
— Triipper Harrison, Meatballs
Tagged: Starvation, India, sombrero, Peanuts
“Wendy: Tripper, I'm looking forward to some action this summer. I hope you can supply it.

Tripper: I'll supply it for you, but the guy you gotta watch out for is Spaz!

Wendy: Spaz?

Tripper: He's a sex machine.

Wendy: He couldn't wake me up with a trumpet and a drum!

Tripper: Well I went out with him one night and he got off six nurses by himself, and four of them couldn't report to work the next morning!”
— Triipper Harrison, Meatballs
Tagged: sex machine, priapism
“Attention campers, afternoon swim schedule is as follows. Advanced dolphins, report to the dock for survival swimming and I.Q. testing. All senior silverfish, meet on the beach for nude sunbathing. All junior salmon, trout, and herring, report to the nearest delicatessen. And six-year-old tadpoles, report to the swamp. And all lobsters, GET OUT OF HERE! YOU'RE A MENACE!”
— Triipper Harrison, Meatballs
Tagged: campers, Lobsters, tadpoles, trout, herring, IQ
“But, the real excitement of course is going to come at the end of the summer, during Sexual Awareness Week. We import two hundred hookers from around the world, and each camper, armed with only a thermos of coffee and two thousand dollars cash, tries to visit as many countries as he can. The winner of course is named King of Sexual Awareness Week and is allowed to rape and pillage the neighboring towns until camp ends.”
— Triipper Harrison, Meatballs
Tagged: Hookers, Sexual Awareness Week, rape and pillage
“Important announcement—some hunters have been seen in the woods near Piney Ridge trail and the fish and game commission has raised the legal kill limit on campers to three. So, if you're hiking today, please wear something bright and keep low.”
— Triipper Harrison, Meatballs
Tagged: Hunters, Hunting Humans
“[entering party] Alright, virgins to the left, non-virgins to the right. [to Crocket and Wheels] You guys split 'em up however you want.”
— Triipper Harrison, Meatballs
Tagged: Virgins
“You must be the short, depressed kid we ordered.”
— Triipper Harrison, Meatballs
Tagged: short, depressed
“Attention. Here's an update on tonight's dinner. It was veal. I repeat, veal. The winner of tonight's mystery meat contest is Jeffrey Corbin who guessed ‘some kind of beef.’”
— Triipper Harrison, Meatballs
Tagged: veal, Beef, Mystery Meat
“Tripper: And even if we win, if we win, HAH! Even if we win! Even if we play so far above our heads that our noses bleed for a week to ten days; even if God in Heaven above comes down and points his hand at our side of the field; even if every man woman and child held hands together and prayed for us to win, it just wouldn't matter because all the really good-looking girls would still go out with the guys from Mohawk because they've got all the money! It just doesn't matter if we win or we lose. IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

Rest of Group: IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER...”
— Triipper Harrison, Meatballs
Tagged: God in Heaven, Money
“Bowling Priest: You see, bowling for money...that’s my only vice.

Cocktail Waitress: Here’s your drink.

Bowling Priest: Thanks, sugar. [takes drink from a double bourbon on the rocks and pats waitress’ behind] Okay, two vices.

Ernie McCracken: That’s still very good.”
— Ernie McCracken, Kingpin
Tagged: Bowling, Vice
“Sometimes a bowler just has to face the music.”
— Ernie McCracken, Kingpin
Tagged: Bowling, Face the Music
“It’s a small world when you’ve got unbelievable tits, Roy.”
— Ernie McCracken, Kingpin
Tagged: Small world, Tits
“You’re on a gravy train with biscuit wheels.”
— Ernie McCracken, Kingpin
Tagged: gravy train, Biscuits
“Ernie McCracken: The Munson.

Roy: Big Ern. Long time.

Ernie McCracken: I’ll say. Probably a year for every topping on the table. I heard a horrible rumor...[looks at Roy’s prosthetic rubber hand] Oh, creepy! I’m sorry. You know, for the first couple years, I felt responsible. How you been otherwise?

Roy: You know, in the last 17 years, a day hasn’t gone by that I haven’t thought about what I’d say to you if I ever ran into you again.

Ernie McCracken: I bet! [notices Claudia] Hello.”
— Ernie McCracken, Kingpin
Tagged: Rumors, prosthetic hand
“1979 Waitress: Tanqueray and Tab.

Ernie McCracken: Keep ’em comin’, sweets, I got a long drive. Do me a favor, will you? Would you mind washing off that perfume before you come back to our table?”
— Ernie McCracken, Kingpin
Tagged: Tanqueray, Tab, perfume
“[Roy Munson is getting ready for his turn to bowl]
Ernie McCracken: It all comes down to this roll. Roy Munson, a man-child, with a dream to topple bowling giant Ernie McCracken. If he strikes, he’s the 1979 Odor-Eaters Champion. He’s got one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker. Believe me, as a bowler, I know that right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kinda like an about-to-explode bratwurst.

Roy: Hey. Do you mind? I wasn’t talking when you were bowling.

Ernie McCracken: Was I talking out loud? Was I? Sorry. Good luck.”
— Ernie McCracken, Kingpin
Tagged: Bowling, Odor-Eaters, Bladder, Bratwurst
“He only gave me our scenes. I never saw a complete script. After all I've done for that guy, and it's a lot that you don't even know about. What a dick.”
— Cliff Robertson, The Dead Don't Die
Tagged: dick, Director, alien abduction movies
“What stops us from looking at ourselves and seeing ourselves is that we’re kind of ugly if we look really hard. We’re not who we think we are. We’re not as wonderful.”
— Bill Murray, Howard Stern Comes Again
Tagged: Introspection, ugly, Body Image
“I do not like people who complain about being famous. But I’d say to people, 'You want to be rich and famous? Try being rich and see if that doesn’t cover most of it for you.'”
— Bill Murray, Howard Stern Comes Again
Tagged: rich, Famous, Complaining
“I was the forgotten middle child. But in a family of nine there’s, like, three or four that are forgotten.”
— Bill Murray, Howard Stern Comes Again
Tagged: middle child, Forgotten
“his crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become the Masters champion.”
— Carl Spackler, Caddyshack
Tagged: Cinderella Story, Miracle, Golf, Masters Tournament
“Licensed to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. A man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit—ever. They're like the Viet Cong—Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote.”
— Carl Spackler, Caddyshack
Tagged: gophers, Viet Cong, Varmints, Superior Firepower
“This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sinsemilla. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.”
— Carl Spackler, Caddyshack
Tagged: Marijuana, stoned, Hybrid, Sinsemilla, Kentucky Bluegrass
“Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!”
— Carl Spackler, Caddyshack
Tagged: Cinderella Story, Miracle, Golf
“Phil: Can I be serious with you with you for a minute?

Rita: I don't know. Can you?”
— Phil Connors, Groundhog Day
Tagged: serious, Immature
“Rita: Are you drunk or something?

Phil: Drunk is more fun.”
— Phil Connors, Groundhog Day
Tagged: Drunk, Fun
“Rita: I like to see a man of advancing years throwing caution to the wind. It's inspiring in a way.

Phil: My years are not advancing as fast as you might think.”
— Phil Connors, Groundhog Day
Tagged: Aging
“Phil: Something is... different.

Rita: Good or bad?

Phil: Anything different is good.”
— Phil Connors, Groundhog Day
Tagged: different, change is good
“You know, people like blood sausage, too. People are morons.”
— Phil Connors, Groundhog Day
Tagged: blood sausage, Morons
“Ned, I would love to stay here and talk with you...but I'm not going to.”
— Phil Connors, Groundhog Day
Tagged: Go Away, stop and chat
“Rita: It's beautiful. I don't know what to say.

Phil: I do. Whatever happens tomorrow, or for the rest of my life, I'm happy now... because I love you.”
— Phil Connors, Groundhog Day
Tagged: I Love You
“Phil: You wanna throw up here, or you wanna throw up in the car?

Ralph: I think...both.”
— Phil Connors, Groundhog Day
Tagged: Throw Up
“Come on, all the long distance lines are down? What about the satellite? Is it snowing in space? Don't you have some kind of a line that you keep open for emergencies or for celebrities? I'm both. I'm a celebrity in an emergency.”
— Phil Connors, Groundhog Day
Tagged: celebrity, Emergency, Long Distance, Satellite, Snow
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