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Dwight Schrute Quotes

Total quotes: 71
“In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all. It's fear. Merry Christmas.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 7: Classy Christmas
Tagged: Merry Christmas, Christmas, Fear
“Michael always says, 'K-I-S-S, keep it simple, stupid.' Great advice, hurts my feelings every time.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Initiation
Tagged: Advice, hurts my feelings
“You're a perfectly fine toilet... I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Trivia
Tagged: is this a compliment?, Piece of Shit
“Ryan: Did you see Saw?

Dwight: Of course I see-saw. Mose and I see-saw all the time.

Ryan: No, uh, the movie. Did you see, the movie Saw.

Dwight: Oh. Yeah. Great film. Almost as fun as going on a see-saw.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 6: The Manager and the Salesman
Tagged: saw, Saw The Movie
“I'm gonna intimidate him, ok? Watch this....So anyways, she said that is the biggest penis I have ever scene and I said I know! That's why I brought you to the penis museum, where tickets are a thousand dollars.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 7: The Sting
Tagged: Intimidating Men, Intimidation
“Michael is like Mozart, and I’m like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you’re gonna get bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 2: Office Olympics
Tagged: Mozart, Butch Cassidy
“A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: After Hours
Tagged: What Makes a real man?, Real Men Do This
“Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Special Project
Tagged: Peacocks, Powerpoint Presentations
“I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Traveling Salesmen
Tagged: Overslept, Roosters
“You better learn your rules. If you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 5: The Duel
Tagged: Learn Your Rules, Nursery Rhymes
“The eyes are the groin of the face.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 4: Branch Wars
Tagged: Body Parts
“Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 5: Stress Relief
Tagged: Stress, stress relief
“Smoking is gonna save lives.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 5: Stress Relief
Tagged: smoking, Fire Drill
“Growing up I performed my own circumcision.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 5: Baby Shower
Tagged: Circumcision
“Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Product Recall
Tagged: Identity Theft
“Get a friend, loser.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 5: Customer Survey
Tagged: friends and losers, insults
“I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Business School
Tagged: are vampires real, werewolves and vampires, mythical creatures
“I really like Andy these days. He's pretend, and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we're in for an epic, confusing showdown.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 9: Couples Discount
Tagged: Pretend, Showdown, epic, Imagination, humor
“Dwight Schrute: Big changes coming to the old desk clump. No longer a Pam-Jim alliance against Dwight. Now it is Dwight and a friend axis against Pam.

Jim Halpert: You could've just called that an alliance too, right?

Dwight Schrute: I chose my words very carefully.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 9: Junior Salesman
Tagged: Alliance, Partners, Axis, Friend, Office Politics, Work
“Dwight Schrute: Most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a shepherd's crook. Which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces.

Oscar Martinez: How would anyone even know...

Dwight Schrute: Have you ever tasted a shepherd's crook?”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 9: Dwight Christmas
Tagged: Christmas, Candy Cane, candy, Sweets, feces, Shepherd, crook, taste, Gross
“At first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right?”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 9: Here Comes Treble
Tagged: Prank, pumpkin, Rot, joke, crazy, Failed Logic
“The Schrutes have a word for when everything in a man's life comes together perfectly. Perfectenschlag. Right now, I am in it. I finally get a chance to prove myself to corporate. I am assembling a competent team. I am likely a father. I am so deep inside of perfectenschlag right now. And, just to be clear, there is a second definition, 'perfect pork anus', which I don't mean.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Special Project
Tagged: Perfect, father, corporate, Competence, Pork, Anus, Vulgar, Language
“Oscar Martinez: Don't you want to see the baby?

Dwight Schrute: Psh! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Jury Duty
Tagged: Baby, humor, Genetics, Senator, Mash Up
“The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. Whatever. I'm over it. It's just grossly irresponsible.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Gettysburg
Tagged: History, Civil War, irresponsible, erasure, Forgotten
“Pam Beesly: Dwight, am I hot right now?

Dwight Schrute: Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Pam's Replacement
Tagged: Hot, Attractive, Sex, Impregnate, Attraction, Rude
“Deangelo Vickers: Dwight. What's your take?

Dwight Schrute: What's the argument here? NBA, WMBA. One is a sport, one is a joke. I love sports, I love jokes. Room for all.

Deangelo Vickers: Man, you're smart!”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 7: The Inner Circle
Tagged: Offensive, Sexist, Sports, joke, Smart, Rude
“My perfect Valentine's day? I'm at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the fifty restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 7: PDA
Tagged: valentine's day, Holidays, humor, Evil, Manipulative, Reservations
“Pam Beesly: Hey, Dwight. I'm collecting resolution cards.

Dwight Schrute: Not doing that.

Pam Beesly: Why not?

Dwight Schrute: I've achieved plenty, and there's no better than the best.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 7: Ultimatum
Tagged: New Year's Resolution, New Year's, humor, Achievement, The Best
“Who is Justice Beaver?”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 7: Todd Packer
Tagged: Justin Beiber, mistake, misworded
“Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Gay Witch Hunt
Tagged: Buy, gay-dar, gay radar, Online
“It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 4: Survivor Man
Tagged: hurt, accidentally, Stranger, purpose
“Yes. I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Safety Training
Tagged: shun, Slapping, Silence, Amish, technique, Simile Examples
“I never thought I'd say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 9: Finale
Tagged: Eating Too Much, Bone Marrow
“What was the most inspiring thing I've ever said to you?

"Don't be an idiot." Changed my life.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: stupidity, Inspiring Advice, Life Changing Words
“When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: Smile, Faking a smile, Honesty, Rude
“And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word "failure".”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: Spelling, Failure, Word, Embarassing Moments
“When two gay men have sex, how to they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis?”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: gay, Sex, Sexual Intercourse
“You think you're excited? You should feel my nipples. Boing!”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: Excitement, nipples, Feelings
“Why are all these people here? There's too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: People, Population, Overpopulation, Plague
“People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: Nostalgia, Weakness
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