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The Office Quotes

“What was the most inspiring thing I've ever said to you?

"Don't be an idiot." Changed my life.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: stupidity, Inspiring Advice, Life Changing Words
“When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: Smile, Faking a smile, Honesty, Rude
“And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word "failure".”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: Spelling, Failure, Word, Embarassing Moments
“When two gay men have sex, how to they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis?”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: gay, Sex, Sexual Intercourse
“You think you're excited? You should feel my nipples. Boing!”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: Excitement, nipples, Feelings
“Why are all these people here? There's too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: People, Population, Overpopulation, Plague
“People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: Nostalgia, Weakness
“Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: Feelings, Moving On
“I don't believe you, continue.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: Honesty, Rudeness, Listening
“"R' is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it 'murder' and not 'mukduk'”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: sound, Alphabet
“How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: Words, description, Describing Yourself
“For a really long time that's all I had. Little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think, even then I knew, I was waiting for my wife.”
— Jim Halpert, The Office
Tagged: Love, Relationships, Dating, Marriage, The Office, Jim And Pam, crushes, Waiting
“Jim: Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing I ever had to do, which was just to wait. Don't get me wrong—I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of friends and family that I do know how to make a photocopy. I didn't need your help that many times. And do you remember how long it took you to teach me to drive stick?

Pam: Like a year.

Jim: I've been driving stick since high school.”
— Jim Halpert And Pam Beasley, The Office
Tagged: Love, Relationships, Marriage, Dating, crushes, Jim And Pam, The Office
“There are three things you must never turn your back on: bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“Before I do anything I ask myself, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. Someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don't hear about is the many people they push further out to sea. Dolphins aren't smart. They just like pushing things.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand and the right one would just be left for punching.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“I saw 'Wedding Crashers' accidentally. I bought a ticket for 'Grizzly Man' and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater but I kept waiting. Cause that's the thing about bear attacks... they come when you least expect it.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“There are too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“Studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don't know why everyone doesn't do this... Maybe they have something against living forever.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“Once I'm officially Regional Manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same... except I could fly.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran, killed twenty men, and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
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