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Michael Scott Quotes

Total quotes: 96
“Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly, we didn't connect, I was miserable. Now, I am in the best relationship of my life, with the same woman. Love is a mystery.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 3: The Job
Tagged: Bad Relationships, Love is a mystery
“I guess I’ve been working so hard, I forgot what it’s like to be hardly working.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: Training Day
Tagged: Working Hard or Hardly Working, Working Hard, Hardly Working
“You cheated on me? When I specifically asked you not to?”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 4: Goodbye, Toby
Tagged: Cheating, Don't Cheat
“When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this was before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture, of a horse, that could fly over rainbows, and a had a huge spike in its head. I was five! Five-years-old. Couldn't even talk yet.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 4: Local Ad
Tagged: Unicorns, Young Mind
“ Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it, but, basically, you make someone think the opposite of what you believe. And that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 2: Christmas Party
Tagged: reverse psychology, Psychology
“I had a great summer. I got west nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. And I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected. Even though I peed on it...”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: Nepotism
Tagged: Summertime Fun
“Jim: Wow it's a little early for ice cream don't you think?

Michael: It's never too early for ice cream, Jim. But we didn't have any ice cream, so this is mayonnaise and black olives. It's comfort food, alright?”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 6: The Cover-Up
Tagged: It's Never Too Early For Ice Cream, comfort food
“Jim: What'd you do, Prison Mike?

Michael: I stole...and I robbed...and I kidnapped the president's son...and held him for ransom.


Jim: That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike.


Michael: And I never got caught neither.


Jim: Well, you were in prison, but..mhm.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 3: The Convict
Tagged: Prison Mike, Prison
“I am a theatrical person. Growing up I always thought I would become an actor, because, I have these memorization tricks that I use. For instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance by singing it to the tune of Old Macdonald: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America / And to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God. / With a woof woof here and a woof woof there, here a woof, there a woof, everywhere a woof woof.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 5: Lecture Circuit
Tagged: Pledge of Allegiance, Theatrics, actor, Singing
“Ok, too many different words from coming at me from too many different sentences.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 6: Mafia
Tagged: Confusion, Talking Too Much
“Ryan: Did this happen on company property?

Michael: It was on company property, with company property. So, double jeopardy, we're fine.


Ryan: I don't think-- I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.


Michael: Oh, I'm sorry. What is, 'we're fine'?”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 4: Fun Run
Tagged: Jeopardy, I'm Fine
“Hi, I'm Date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 6: Happy Hour
Tagged: Dating, Bad Dates
“Oh, look! A Sbarro. My favorite New York pizza joint. And I'm going to go get me a New York slice!”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 2: Valentine's Day
Tagged: New york Pizza, New York City
“Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square... named for the good times you have when you're in it.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 2: Valentine's Day
Tagged: Times Square, New York City
“I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 4: Money
Tagged: Responsibilities, Running Away From Your Problems
“I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. It's every parents' dream.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 9: Finale
Tagged: Marriage, Growing Up, wedding
“I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 2: Office Olympics
Tagged: early bird, night owl, Early Bird Gets The Worm
“Michael: You wanna hear a lie?

Toby: What?

Michael: I... think you're great. You're my best friend.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 5: Frame Toby
Tagged: Liar, Best Friends
“I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 5: Stress Relief
Tagged: I Don't Know What To Do
“Oh, this is gonna feel so good getting this thing off my chest... that's what she said.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: Goodbye, Michael
Tagged: That's What She Said, Inappropriate Joke, Relieved, goodbye, Last Lines
“I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although I've only seen 'Antz.' But I'll tell you something, what I respect about that man is that when he was going through all of that stuff that came out in the press, about how 'Antz' was just a ripoff of 'A Bug's Life,' he stayed true to his films. Or at least the film that I saw, which, again, was 'Antz.' Thing is, I thought 'A Bug's Life' was better, much better than 'Antz.' Point is, don't listen to your critics. Listen to your fans.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: Threat Level Midnight
Tagged: Movie, Woody Allen, awkward, controversial, ripoff, Critics, Fans, Bad Advice
“The world sends people your way. Ryan came to me through a temp agency. Andy was transferred here. No idea where Creed came from. The point is, you just have to play with the cards that you're dealt. Jim, that guy is an Ace. Dwight is my King up my sleeve. Phyllis is my Old Maid. Oscar is my Queen. That's easy. Give me a hard one. That's what Oscar said. Toby is the Instruction Card you throw away, Pam is a solid 7, and you know, Ryan is probably like a 2. Sometimes 2s can be wild, so watch out. And I'm obviously the Joker.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: WUPHF.com
Tagged: cards, Business, Wild Card, Joker, Analogy, humor, Insulting
“If you break that girl's heart, I will kill you. That's just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl's heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: Viewing Party
Tagged: Threat, Murder, Kill, Heartbreak, Warning, humor, Literally
“Hi Holly, it's Michael. I just wanted to call and let you know that I was thinking about what you said, it's just... you know? It's weird, today I ended up seeing a lot of the women that I used to date, and in my mind they were all great, and then when I actually saw them it was mostly a freak show. And you and me, that must've been a real train wreck. You know what? Holly, you're wrong. You are wrong. I remember every second of us, and talking to you today, I-don't-feel for them anything like what I feel for you. It's... I didn't joke with any of them, I joked with you, you were the only one who was actually happy to hear from me, and I don't know why you downgraded what we had, but I did not make us up. Ok. Oh, and you might... you should talk to a doctor because you might have herpes. Bye!”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: Sex Ed
Tagged: Phone Call, message, humor, Sad, Break Up, The One, Freak Show, Train Wreck, Herpes
“Gabe Lewis: Michael, you've just physically assaulted an employee. Can we talk in private?

Michael Scott: Yes. Of course. What's this in reference to?”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: Nepotism
Tagged: Assault, Work, Employees, punishment, humor, awkward, Dense
“Andy Bernard: That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.

Michael Scott: He's not the worst. Okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy. Remember? That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: Nepotism
Tagged: Fired, Office, office work, ugly, humor, shallow
“They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that you're lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that's crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 3: Phyllis' Wedding
Tagged: Wedding Cake, Flash, let them eat cake, Margaret Thatcher, Marriage
“Abraham Lincoln once said that, 'If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North.' And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 1: Diversity Day
Tagged: Abraham Lincoln, North, Principles, work place
“I tried, I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail. I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like Neve Campbell in Scream II. She thinks she can go off to college and be happy and then the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. I learned a lot of lessons from that movie, this is just one of them.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 5: Frame Toby
Tagged: Tried, Friend, Simile Examples, evil snail, Scream 2, Neve Campbell, Lessons, Movies
“That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 1: Diversity Day
Tagged: Offensive, lame, environment, welcoming, Get Out, contradictory
“I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage, because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 6: Happy Hour
Tagged: unfair advantage, reality dating shows, hawk, Absorb, information, winners, losers
“Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 3: Women's Appreciation
Tagged: Man, understands, Women, Fool
“Bros before ho**. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They've got your back after your hoe rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho*. And you told her she was the only ho* for you. And that she was better than all the other hoes in the world. And then, suddenly she is not your ho* no mo.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 3: A Benihana Christmas
Tagged: Bros before hoes, Code, heart, Love
“I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 3: Gay Witch Hunt
Tagged: gay, gay affair, Theory
“I'm sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans!”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 1: Basketball
Tagged: sinking, nothing but net, african american, jaws
“I'm making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way: when you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your make-up and your press-on nails; the principles that I am applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star... or any number of drag queens.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 6: The Banker
Tagged: environment, cosmetic, appealing, push-up bra, Eyelashes, Lady Gaga, Drag Queen
“Well, it's love at first sight. Actually, it was... No, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 4: Goodbye, Toby
Tagged: Love, first sight, voice, Ears
“Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack. Not crack the drug.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 4: Survivor Man
Tagged: Wrinkles, racism, Crack, Drug
“Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it's not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 4: Fun Run
Tagged: liked, praised, Need, Want
“About 40 times a year, Michael gets sick but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 3: Beach Games
Tagged: Sick, Symptoms, Concerned, Sick Day
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