1. People
    2.  › 
  2. Judd Apatow
Judd Apatow photo

Judd Apatow Quotes

Total quotes: 40
“You say 'I love you' too much.”
— NATALIE, Love, Season 1: It Begins
Tagged: Love, Complaint , Too Much
“You know how they say to never drink and drive? Well, never drink and bone.”
— Ben Stone, Knocked Up
Tagged: Sex
“Red: I'm trying to decide how stoned I am and just how on the verge of death am I right now. Like, am I seeing shit because I'm stone or because I have no blood left in my body.

Dale Denton: Well, you've been shot like seven times.”
— Red, Pineapple Express
Tagged: stoned, Death, Blood, Shit, shot, Irony
“Hannah: You're here.

Adam: Well, I was always here.”
— Hannah Horvath, Girls, Season 2: Together
Tagged: Showing Up, Here For You
“Why is everyone struggling in New York? ”
— Hannah Horvath, Girls, Season 1: The Return
Tagged: New York, Struggling
“You are from New York, therefore you are just naturally interesting. Okay? It is not up to you to fill all of the pauses. You are not in danger of mortifying yourself. The worst stuff that you say, sounds better than the best stuff that some other people say.”
— Hannah Horvath, Girls, Season 1: The Return
Tagged: New York, Interesting Conversation
“I can’t be surrounded by your negativity while I’m trying to grow into a fully formed woman.”
— Shoshanna Shapiro, Girls, Season 2: Together
Tagged: Negativity, Womanhood
“He's a gym teacher. There's no upward mobility.”
— Neal Schweiber, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Dead Dogs and Gym Teachers
Tagged: Gym teacher, Upward Mobility
“Ken: I always say, girl plus car equals dead animal.

Lindsay: Are you copying Ken's homework?

Kim: Trying to. He writes like a mental patient.”
— Ken Miller, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Dead Dogs and Gym Teachers
Tagged: Women Drivers, Copying Homework, Mental Patient
“Lindsay: God! We used to love Mac Davis, remember?

Millie: Yeah. You used to say you wished you had pillows stuffed with his hair.”
— Millie Kentner, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Chokin' and Tokin'
Tagged: Mac Davis, 1970s, Rock Stars, Fans
“Millie: You're high!

Lindsay: How could you tell?

Millie: I know what high people look like. I went to a Seals and Crofts concert last summer.”
— Millie Kentner, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Chokin' and Tokin'
Tagged: high, stoned, Rock Concerts, Seals and Crofts
“We're all unhappy. That's the thing about life.”
— Lindsay Weir, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Chokin' and Tokin'
Tagged: Unhappy, Life, Meaning Of Life
“Lindsay Weir: What if all of this is a dream, and it isn't even our dream, it's that dog's dream? Maybe we're just existing in his mind and all of a sudden he'll go drink out of the toilet and we'll be gone. What will happen to us if that dog wakes up? It will be over.

Millie Kentner: Life is not that dog's dream.”
— Lindsay Weir, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Chokin' and Tokin'
Tagged: Dream, Dog's Dream, Reality Check
“Mr. Rosso: How dumb do I look?

Ken: Do you really wanna know?”
— Jeff Rosso, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Chokin' and Tokin'
Tagged: dumb, Honesty
“Nick: What do people do when they're not stoned?

Ken: I dunno. Relate to one another?”
— Nick Andopolis, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Chokin' and Tokin'
Tagged: Relate, stoned
“Mr. Weir: We are not robots and things do not need to change. I like how things are! I like eating the same things. You know why? Because those are the things I like! I like chicken. And I like pot roast. And, that's how I feel about you Jean.

Mrs. Weir: Oh please. You like me like you like a pot roast?

Mr. Weir: I love pot roast!”
— Sam Weir, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: The Diary
Tagged: Pot Roast, Robo0ts, Change
“Oh, man, the geeks have inherited the earth.”
— Jock, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: The Diary
Tagged: Geeks, Meek
“Are you calling me irrational? Because I'll tear your head off, Daniel. I'll tear it off, and I'll throw it over that fence.”
— Kim Kelly, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: The Diary
Tagged: irrational, Violence, Irony, Threats
“[holding up his thumb] This! The thumb! You think I don't know what that means? I know, Lindsay! It means, 'Hey, stranger! Please lock me in your car, drive me to God knows where and murder me!'”
— Harold Weir, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: The Diary
Tagged: Thumb, hitchhiking, Murder
“Lindsay, do you know what happens when you put a rotten banana in a fruit bowl? All the other bananas go rotten. And that's what Kim Kelly is: a bad banana.”
— Harold Weir, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: The Diary
Tagged: banana, Rotten Banana, Fruit Bowl, Bad Banana
“[prank calling] Fredericks? You're a turd. A stinky f-fat turd. Go sniff a jock strap, you poop head. You love patting boys' butts. You love patting boys' butts. Butt...you butt-patter! You're a perv and a loser... and a stinky...t-turd!
[hangs up]”
— Bill Haverchuck, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: The Diary
Tagged: Fredericks of Hollywood, Prank Calls, Jock Strap, Butts, Loser, turd
“Well, everybody's got parents, Jean, even hookers. Remember that TV movie we saw?”
— Harold Weir, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: The Diary
Tagged: Parents, Hookers, TV Movie
“Sam Weir: Is this the best cereal you've got?

Neal Schweiber: I don't know. I never eat breakfast. I just have my coffee.

Bill Haverchuck: Before or after you shave?”
— Sam Weir, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: The Diary
Tagged: breakfast, Coffee, cereal, shaving, Slacker, slovenly, Lazy
“Sam: Think we could be arrested for making prank calls?

Neal: Yeah, and we'll get sent to telephone prison.”
— Sam Weir, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: The Diary
Tagged: Prank Calls, Arrested, Telephone Prison
“Sam: So this is what having a girlfriend is gonna be like? She is your best friend, she is beautiful, you can say and do anything in front of her.

Neal: Well, my dad always says that's what something what women want you to think before you marry them. That's how they suck you in.”
— Sam Weir, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Carded and Discarded
Tagged: Girlfriend, Best friend, Marriage, Deception
“I just want to be older so I can go to bars. Everything fun in this world happens in bars.”
— Ken Miller, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Carded and Discarded
Tagged: bars, Fun, Drinking Age
“I hate astrology. What, everybody born in the same month is gonna have the same life?”
— Daniel Desario, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Carded and Discarded
Tagged: Astrology, Superstition
“You can hardly stand to be around us. When you two were kids, you used to run around naked and lay in bed with us all night. We bathed you and we cleaned your butts when you pooped and we loved it. Now, we try to pat you on the head and you run for the hills. Well, I'm fed up. We are going to be close from now on whether you like it or not. We're going to spend quality time together, and we're going to enjoy it, damn it!”
— Harold Weir, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Carded and Discarded
Tagged: Quality Time, Child Rearing
“Lindsay Weir: You know who didn't go to college? Albert Einstein.

Jeff Rosso: You know who else didn't go to college?

Lindsay Weir: Who?

Jeff Rosso: Frank.

Lindsay Weir: Frank who?

Jeff Rosso: Frank, the guy who pumps gas into my car.”
— Lindsay Weir, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Carded and Discarded
Tagged: Albert Einstein, College Degree
“Jean: Nobody's home. You wanna have a little sex?

Harold: Sex?! Well, okay.”
— Jean Weir, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Carded and Discarded
Tagged: Sex
“Sam: What's non-alcoholic beer?

Bill: It's beer but without that ingredient that makes you drunk.

Neal: Alcohol?

Bill: Yeah.”
— Sam Weir, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Beers and Weirs
Tagged: Non-Alcoholic Beer, Alcohol
“Harold: I guess you'd prefer we listen to that punk rock music I've been reading about. You know those Sex Pistols? They spit on their audience! Yep, that's what I wanna do. Spend my hard earned money to be spit on. Now that's entertainment...Elvis didn't expectorate on his fans.

Sam: No. But he died on the toilet.

Harold: Well, that's paradise compared to where the Sex Pistols are gonna end up.”
— Harold Weir, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Beers and Weirs
Tagged: Punk, punk rock, Sex PIstols, Elvis Presley, Paradise
“Wow. That designated driver's pretty hot. I'd like to get her drunk.”
— Bill Haverchuck, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Beers and Weirs
Tagged: Designated Driver, Drunk, Hot
“Sam Weir: What am I gonna say to Cindy?

Bill Haverchuck: Don't say anything. Be dominant. It's all, all about dominance. I saw this monkey show on PBS, if you talk to her first, it's a sign of weakness and she will not pick you to be her mate.

Sam Weir: Are you drunk?

Bill Haverchuck: I think so, yes I am.

Sam Weir: Aw, man, go into my room, lock the door, and don't drink any more.

Bill Haverchuck: [after Sam leaves] That's very dominant.”
— Bill Haverchuck, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Beers and Weirs
Tagged: dominant, Drunk, monkeys, PBS, Weakness
“I'm Jewish. That's no cakewalk either. Last year, I was elected school treasurer. I didn't even run!”
— Neal Schweiber, Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Beers and Weirs
Tagged: Jewish, stereotypes, Cakewalk
“I know what I used to say to Seth Rogen: ‘Less jizz, more heart.”
— Judd Apatow, In Conversation
Tagged: Seth Rogan, Writing, Funny
“I know who I am as a storyteller: I want to feel hope about people’s abilities to incrementally learn. This is related to the reason why you don’t see movies and television about Republican and conservative ideas — because Republicans are trying to present themselves as correct, as clean, as Mike Pence–y. Unlike them, I want people who actually evolve.”
— Judd Apatow, In Conversation
Tagged: Politics, Redemption
“Politics has ruined Twitter. People used to talk about silly things on there, about comedy, about culture. Now everyone’s just mad all the time.”
— Judd Apatow, In Conversation: Judd Apatow
Tagged: Politics, Twitter
“Sometimes I block people not because they are abusive, but because I want to pretend I live in a world where they don't exist.”
— Judd Apatow
Tagged: Stay Out of My Life, People Are Annoying, Quote of the Moment
“In a way life is really hard. You have to get back to silly at some point or life is even harder. ”
— Judd Apatow
Tagged: humor, mental state, Mindset
loading next page...