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Matt Stone Quotes

Total quotes: 126
“I'm working with a Russian sound technician. And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.”
— Matt Stone
Tagged: Clean Funny, Jokes
“The fact is, I couldn't sleep last night, so I took some Ambien. You ever take that stuff? It turns your brains into oatmeal.”
— Mr. Hankey, South Park, Season 22: The Problem with a Poo
Tagged: Ambien, Brain Fog
“How do you kill that which has no life?”
— Horrgash, South Park, Season 10: Make Love, Not Warcraft
Tagged: Walking Dead
“Well yeah, and I'm sad, but at the same time I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin' really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I'm feelin' is like a, beautiful sadness.”
— Butters, South Park, Season 7: Raisins
Tagged: Sadness, Happiness, Feelings, Being Alive
“Well, thanks for offering to let me in your clique, guys, but, to be honest, I'd rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy Goth kid.”
— Butters, South Park, Season 7: Raisins
Tagged: Pussy, faggy, goth, Clique
“Kyle: You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show, but it wasn't because of some magic goo. It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorizing people works.

Jesus: That's right. Don't you see, gingers? If you don't want to be made fun of anymore, all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop.

Santa Claus: That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear and be willing to hurt people and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence.

Stan: Yeah.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 14: 201
Tagged: jesus, Santa Calus, Violence
“Kyle, every boy pays for kisses. Do you know what I am saying? If you’ve got a girl, and she kisses you, sooner or later you’re paying for it. You’ve gotta take her out to lunch, take her to a movie, and then spend time listenin’ to all her stupid problems. Look, look at Stan right there. [Kyle turns to see Stan, who’s listening to Wendy over at the merry-go-round] Why he’s gotta sit there and listen to her stupid motherfuckin’ problems ‘cause she kisses him. If you ask me, that’s a lot more than the five dollars my company charges.”
— Butters, South Park, Season 13: Butters' Bottom Bitch
Tagged: Kissing, prostitution, Paying For Sex
“Butters: Oh well, when I get a chipotle blue-cheese bacon burger at Bennigan's, I forget all about my dad being queer and my mom is trying to kill me. I'm going to be okay.

Stan: Really?

Butters: No, I'm lying.”
— Butters, South Park, Season 5: Butters' Very Own Episode
Tagged: Queer, bennigan's
“Truck Driver: Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some goddamn poontang.

Butters: Yeah. I could use some goddamn poontang myself right now.”
— Butters, South Park, Season 5: Butters' Very Own Episode
Tagged: poontang, Goddamn
“ Hmm. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Hmm, let's see.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 4: The Tooth Fairy Tats 2000
Tagged: penis, Castration
“Mrs. Cartman: Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.

Kyle: He must have a huge bone in his ass, then. [Cartman's mom bursts out laughing]

Cartman: Goddamn it, Mom!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 3: Hooked on Monkey Fonics
Tagged: fat, big-boned, Fat-Shaming, ass bone
“Mrs. Cartman: Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.

Kyle: He must have a huge bone in his ass, then. [Cartman's mom bursts out laughing]

Cartman: Goddamn it, Mom!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 3: Hooked on Monkey Fonics
Tagged: fat, big-boned, Fat-Shaming, ass bone
“Radio Announcer: How do you feel about the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt, little boy?

Stan: This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 3: Hooked on Monkey Fonics
Tagged: That's Gay, Halloween
“We're not going to let them commit suicide, even if we have to kill them.”
— ATF Agent, South Park, Season 3: Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub
Tagged: Murder, Suicide
“We're all a little gay.”
— Jimbo, South Park, Season 3: Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub
Tagged: gay, everyone is gay
“We're all a little gay.”
— Jimbo, South Park, Season 3: Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub
Tagged: gay, everyone is gay
“Mr. Garrison: Now kids we're going to talk about sexual harassment.

Cartman: Is sexual harassment when you're making out with a girl and a guy tickles your balls from behind?

Mr. Garrison: No, Cartman, That's not sexual harassment.”
— Mr. Garrison, South Park, Season 3: Sexual Harassment Panda
Tagged: Sexual Harassment, ball tickling
“Priest Maxi: Blessed be the name of Jesus!

Crowd: It's a great name, isn't it?”
— Priest Maxi, South Park, Season 3: Spontaneous Combustion
Tagged: jesus
“Priest Maxi: Blessed be the name of Jesus!

Crowd: It's a great name, isn't it?”
— Priest Maxi, South Park, Season 3: Spontaneous Combustion
Tagged: jesus
“Priest Maxi: Good. Boys, how would you like to perform the Stations of the Cross this Friday night?

Stan: The what?

Priest Maxi: It's like a skit, where you re-enact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Kyle: Hey, res-erection! That's what my dad needs!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 3: Spontaneous Combustion
Tagged: stations of the cross, erection, skit
“Priest Maxi: Good. Boys, how would you like to perform the Stations of the Cross this Friday night?

Stan: The what?

Priest Maxi: It's like a skit, where you re-enact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Kyle: Hey, res-erection! That's what my dad needs!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 3: Spontaneous Combustion
Tagged: stations of the cross, erection, skit
“Stan: Ah! A snake!

Kyle: No, dude, that's a branch.

Stan: Oh. Ah! It's a snake!

Kyle: No, dude, that's the same branch again.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 3: Rainforest Shmainforest
Tagged: fear of snakes
“Stan: Ah! A snake!

Kyle: No, dude, that's a branch.

Stan: Oh. Ah! It's a snake!

Kyle: No, dude, that's the same branch again.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 3: Rainforest Shmainforest
Tagged: fear of snakes
“Two million dollars?! The only way I can raise that kind of money is by whoring myself to every woman in town!”
— Chef, South Park, Season 2: Chef Aid
Tagged: prostitution, raising money, whoring
“I've learned something too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor ass losers like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls
Tagged: Selling Out, Money, losers
“Mrs. Crabtree: Don't get off the bus or a big scary monster will eat you! [she gets off the bus]

Butters: Hey, why isn't the monster eating her?

Kyle: Because, dumbass, monsters don't eat fat, ugly, smelly bitches.

Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Kyle: I said 'Larry King won't grant me three wishes.'

Mrs. Crabtree: Oh.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 2: City on the Edge of Forever
Tagged: Fat-Shaming, Bitches, ugly
“Stan: Ready, you guys?

Cartman/Kyle: Ready!

Stan: Okay. Action! [Cartman poses the frog attached to a string on a stick]

Cartman: [mutters] I am the deadly Mexican Staring Frog...of Southern Sri Lanka. I am very scary... and dangerous!

Stan: Cut! Cartman!

Cartman: What?

Stan: It's supposed to be a frog!

Cartman: I know that!

Stan: Since when do frogs talk, Cartman?

Cartman: [thinks] It's a Sri Lanka frog!

Kyle: Der, Cartman!

Cartman: Der yourself, hippie!

Kyle: Just do this again Cartman, and don't make it talk.

Stan: Okay, here we go. Ready? Are you ready, Cartman?

Cartman: I'm ready, Steven Spielberg!

Stan: Action!

Cartman: Screw you guys...”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka
Tagged: steven spielberg, movie shoots, Frogs, Hippie
“Sharon Marsh: Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick?

Stan: [screaming] No! I have to get it out!”
— Sharon Marsh, South Park, Season 2: Conjoined Fetus Lady
Tagged: Suicide Attempts, Delusion
“Stan: Boo!

Mr. Mackey: Who was that? That is not appropriate behavior, m'kay?

Stan: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] I'm sorry Mr. Mackey, m'kay.

Mr. Mackey: That's okay. Just don't let it happen again, m'kay.

Kyle: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] We won't let it happen again Mr. Mackey, m'kay.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 2: Ike's Wee Wee
Tagged: imitation, Mocking, M'Kay
“Randy Marsh: Uh yes, officer?

Cartman: I clocked you at 40 MPH back there. Do you know what the speed limit is hey-ah?

Randy: Well, according to that sign right there, it's 40 MPH.

Cartman: Step out of the car, please, sir.

Randy: Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend?

Cartman: Sir, step out of the car, please.

Randy: Yeah. You're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house.

Cartman: Ay! I am a cop, and you will respect my authority!

Randy: Yeah, right. You better get back to school, little boy. [Cartman hits Randy's shin] Ow!

Cartman: Get your ass to jail!

Randy: Ow! Hey, what the heck you doing?! You can't do that! Ow! Ow!

Cartman: Sweet.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Chickenlover
Tagged: Authority, Police, speeding ticket, Jail
“Mayor: The Chickenfucker struck again last night.

Kyle: Oh, no!

Officer Barbarady: Oh Mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the 'chicken lover.'

Mayor's Assistant: This time he made love to Carla Weathers's prize chicken. She's catatonic.

Barbrady: Who? Carla Weathers or the chicken?”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 2: Chickenlover
Tagged: Chickenfucker, Bestiality, Catatonic
“Cartman: For my book report, I read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It was very, very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?

Mr. Garrison: No, I can't say I have.

Cartman: Oh good. In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, a bunch of hippies walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical camel, which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it. I give it a B-minus.

Mr. Garrison: And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit down!

Cartman: Goddamn it!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Chickenlover
Tagged: book report, Hippies, lion witch wardrobe, Grade F
“Officer Barbarady: Yes, at first I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical, but then I read this: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of its garbage, and because of this piece of shoot, I'm never reading again.

Stan/Kyle: Hooray for Barbarady!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 2: Chickenlover
Tagged: Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand, garbage, Reading
“Kenny: Oh my God! They killed Mephisto!

Kyle: You bastards!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 2: Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut
Tagged: Bastards
“Scott: What are you idiots doing?

Terrance: We're looking for treasure.

Scott: Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of search that can't be described?

Phillip: No, we're searching for treasure.”
— Terrance, South Park, Season 2: Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus
Tagged: idiots, insults, Treasure, Metaphor, Literalism
“Scott: What are you idiots doing?

Terrance: We're looking for treasure.

Scott: Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of search that can't be described?

Phillip: No, we're searching for treasure.”
— Terrance, South Park, Season 2: Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus
Tagged: idiots, insults, Treasure, Metaphor, Literalism
“Scott: I hate you more than ever, Terrance and Phillip! I absolutely abhor you both! [starts waving his arms in front of them; pause]

Phillip: What are you doing, Scott?

Scott: I'm wishing cancer upon you.

Phillip: Cancer?!

Scott: That's right! I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind!

Terrance: [hides behind Phillip] Ugh! Stop that!

Phillip: Hey, Don't give me cancer!”
— Terrance, South Park, Season 2: Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus
Tagged: Hate, cancer
“Scott: I hate you more than ever, Terrance and Phillip! I absolutely abhor you both! [starts waving his arms in front of them; pause]

Phillip: What are you doing, Scott?

Scott: I'm wishing cancer upon you.

Phillip: Cancer?!

Scott: That's right! I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind!

Terrance: [hides behind Phillip] Ugh! Stop that!

Phillip: Hey, Don't give me cancer!”
— Terrance, South Park, Season 2: Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus
Tagged: Hate, cancer
“Scott: I hate you and I wish you both had cancer!

Phillip: Cancer?

Scott: Yes, in the head.

Terrance: Head cancer?

Scott: This is not the end, Terrance and Phillip. You'll rue this day.”
— Terrance, South Park, Season 2: Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus
Tagged: cancer, Hate
“Scott: I hate you and I wish you both had cancer!

Phillip: Cancer?

Scott: Yes, in the head.

Terrance: Head cancer?

Scott: This is not the end, Terrance and Phillip. You'll rue this day.”
— Terrance, South Park, Season 2: Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus
Tagged: cancer, Hate
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