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Nick Offerman Quotes

Total quotes: 56
“Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: Prom
Tagged: Alcohol, block, Words, talking
“My first ex-wife's name is Tammy. My second ex-wife's name is Tammy. My Mom's name is Tamara...she goes by Tammy.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Ron and Tammys
Tagged: Wife, ex-wife, mother, Tammy, Names
“So you talked to Tammy? What's it like to stare into the eye of Satan's butthole?”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: Ron and Tammy
Tagged: ex-wife, satan, Butthole, scary, demon
“ I was born ready. I'm Ron Fucking Swanson.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: The Stakeout
Tagged: born, Born Ready, confident, Pride
“My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe...when he desires them.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Season 1: Boys Club
Tagged: Government, Nukes, Single Man, IQ, Decathalon
“My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Dream, Privatized, Chuck E. Cheese, Business Model
“Lou Solverson: It's a diner robbery in Minnesota, Karl. Not a presidential assassination.

Karl Weathers: Oh, sure. That's how it starts—with something small, like a break-in at the Watergate Hotel. But just watch. This thing's only getting bigger.”
— Karl Weathers, Fargo, Season 2: Waiting for Dutch
Tagged: Presidential Assassination, Minnesota, Robbery, Watergate
“One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.”
— Ron Swanson,
Tagged: Rage, Quarterly Rage
“Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: Tom's Divorce
Tagged: Strippers, Breakfast Buffet, Breakfast Food
“Breakfast food can serve many purposes.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 5: Leslie vs. April
Tagged: Absurd, Breakfast Food
“Ann: Do you exercise?

Ron: Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 5: Animal Control
Tagged: Alcohol, Lovemaking, woodworking, yoga, Alcoholism
“There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 5: Article Two
Tagged: motivation, Fear, Money, Hunger
“Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: London, Part 1
Tagged: Sarcasm, reception, Alone
“Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.”
— Ron Swanson,
Tagged: Fishing, Sport, Fish Meat
“There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Bowling for Votes
Tagged: Haircuts, Buzz Cut, Crew Cut, High and Tight
“Are you going to tell a man that he can’t fart in his own car?”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: The Possum
Tagged: Fart
“The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Flu Season
Tagged: Solipsism, Best friend, don't care
“Leslie: Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?

Ron: People are idiots, Leslie.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: Summer Catalog
Tagged: Breakfast Food, idiots
“No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here’s April and Andy’s: A hammer, a half-eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Meet 'N' Greet
Tagged: Toolbox, Jellybeans
“I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: The Comeback Kid
Tagged: Broad Brush, Thief, Miserable, Incompetent
“[On bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Bowling for Votes
Tagged: Bowling, Hooks, spin, Fuss, Figure Skating
“I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: Ron and Tammy
Tagged: Simple Man, Pretty Women, Brunettes, Breakfast Food
“Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.”
— Ron Swanson,
Tagged: Tutelage, manhood, Gladiators, Boys To Men
“I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: Sweetums
Tagged: Carnivore, Meat-Eaters, Surf 'n' Turf, Turf "n' Turf, Porterhouse, T-Bone, cigar, American
“The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Road Trip
Tagged: Government, Teat, piglet, Chapped Nipples, Taxypayers
“The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Andy and April's Fancy Party
Tagged: Effigy, ex-wife, Ex-Wife Effigy
“You had me at ‘Meat Tornado.’”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Flu Season
Tagged: Meat Tornado
“Turkey can never beat cow.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Soulmates
Tagged: Turkey, Cow, Meat-Eaters, Vegetarianism
“Figure out what you love to do, then figure out how to get paid to do it.”
— Nick Offerman, TOP 25 QUOTES BY NICK OFFERMAN(of 142) | A-Z Quotes
Tagged: Work, Career, Passion, H4D-13
“I'm not interested in caring about people.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Flu Season
Tagged: Love, socialization, Human Interaciton
“I'd wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: Second Chunce
Tagged: Luck, Weak, Failures
“It's always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Andy and April's Fancy Party
Tagged: good idea, Coworkers, Capable, Pain
“I regret nothing. The end.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 5: Partridge
Tagged: Regret, Nothing, The End
“Child labor laws are ruining this country.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: The Camel
Tagged: child libor, Laws, country, ruin
“Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: Ann and Chris
Tagged: Tears, Crying, humor
“Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 5: Article Two
Tagged: Do Something, Nothing, helps, Work
“It’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Jerry's Painting
Tagged: Pointless, paint scenes, Nature, outside
“If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: I'm Leslie Knope
Tagged: need anything, deal with your problems, adults
“There has never been a sadness that can’t been cured by breakfast food.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: Ann and Chris
Tagged: Sadness, Breakfast Food, cured
“I like saying ‘No,’ it lowers their enthusiasm.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: Kaboom
Tagged: lowers, Enthusiasm, Saying No
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