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Mike Judge Quotes

Total quotes: 203
“Today I step into the shoes of a great man, a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.”
— Private Joe Bowers, Idiocracy
Tagged: mountain dew
“It started off boring and slow with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk: 'Blah blah blah. You gotta believe me!' That part of the trial sucked! But then the Chief J. just went off. He said, 'Man, whatever! The guy's guilty as shit! We all know that.' And he sentenced his ass to one night of rehabilitation.”
— Female Reporter, Idiocracy
Tagged: ass, Trial, Blah Blah Blah, guilty, Rehabilitation
“I like money.”
— Frito Pendejo, Idiocracy
Tagged: Money
“Pvt. Joe Bowers: Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, y'know?

Frito: I don't really think we have time for a handjob, Joe.”
— Frito Pendejo, Idiocracy
Tagged: Starbucks, handjob
“Pvt. Joe Bowers: I just need you to tell me how to get to the time machine.

Frito: Oh, that's easy. You go down by the museum and stuff... It's like- it's, like, by the museum... Sorta by... Actually, not really. More like on the street, you go, um... Wait, let me start over. Okay, you know where the time machine is?”
— Frito Pendejo, Idiocracy
Tagged: Time Machine, Directions
“[addressing military brass about Rita's background] We did, however have to come to an arrangement with her pimp. A gentleman who goes by the name Upgrayedd. Which he spells thusly, with two D's, as he says, ‘for a double dose of this pimping’.”
— Officer Collins, Idiocracy
Tagged: pimp
“The years passed, mankind became stupider at a frightening rate. Some had high hopes that genetic engineering would correct this trend in evolution, but sadly the greatest minds and resources where focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections.”
— Narrator (voice), Idiocracy
Tagged: Erections, Hair loss, Genetic Engineering, Evolution
“President Camacho: Now I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now. But I've got a 3-point plan that's going to fix EVERYTHING.

Congressman #1: Break it down, Camacho!

President Camacho: Number 1: We've got this guy Not Sure. Number 2: He's got a higher IQ than ANY MAN ALIVE. and Number 3: He's going to fix EVERYTHING.”
— President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho, Idiocracy
Tagged: dysgenics, IQ, Shit, Emotional
“President Camacho: Shit. I know shit's bad right now, with all that starving bullshit, and the dust storms, and we are running out of French fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution.

South Carolina Representative #1: That's what you said last time, dipshit!

South Carolina Representative #2: Yeah, I got a solution, you're a dick! South Carolina, what's up!”
— President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho, Idiocracy
Tagged: dysgenics, starving, Bullshit, Burrito, French Fries, Dipshit, dick
“Rita: You think Einstein walked around thinkin' everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?

Pvt. Joe Bowers: Yeah. Hadn't thought of that.

Rita: Now you know why he built that bomb.”
— Private Joe Bowers, Idiocracy
Tagged: Albert Einstein, Atom Bomb, Dumb Shits
“And there was a time in this country, a long time ago, when reading wasn't just for fags and neither was writing. People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting, and I believe that time can come again!”
— Private Joe Bowers, Idiocracy
Tagged: fags, Reading, Writing, Movies, Farting
“Unfortunately, Trevor passed away from a heart attack while masturbating to produce sperm for artificial insemination. But I had some eggs frozen, so just as soon as the right guy comes along...”
— Yuppie Wife, Idiocracy
Tagged: Heart Attack, masturbation, dysgenics, sperm donor, Artificial Insemination
“Don't worry, scrote. There are plenty of 'tards out there living really kickass lives. My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now.”
— Dr. Lexus, Idiocracy
Tagged: Kickass, fucked up, Retarded, scrote
“Joe and Rita had three children, the three smartest kids in the world. Vice President Frito took eight wives and had a total of 32 kids. Thirty-two of the dumbest kids ever to walk the Earth. OK, so maybe Joe didn't save mankind, but he got the ball rolling, and that's pretty good for an average guy.”
— Narrator (voice), Idiocracy
Tagged: dysgenics, ass
“The #1 movie in America was called Ass. And that's all it was for 90 minutes. It won eight Oscars that year, including best screenplay.”
— Narrator (voice), Idiocracy
Tagged: dysgenics, ass, oscars, Best Screenplay
“[laughs] Right, kick ass. Well, don't want to sound like a dick or nothin', but, ah... it says on your chart that you're fucked up. Ah, you talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded. What I'd do, is just like... like... you know, like, you know what I mean, like...”
— Dr. Lexus, Idiocracy
Tagged: fag, Kickass, fucked up, Shit, Retarded
“As the 21st century began, human evolution was at a turning point. Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest, the fastest, reproduced in greater numbers than the rest, a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man, now began to favor different traits. Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized and more intelligent. But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction. A dumbing down. How did this happen? Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. With no natural predators to thin the herd, it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most, and left the intelligent to become an endangered species.”
— Narrator (voice), Idiocracy
Tagged: natural selection, devolution, dysgenics, stupid movies
“I am The Great Cornholio. I need TP for my Bunghole.”
— Beavis, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: The Great Cornholio
“Butt-head: [choking] Beavis! Beavis! I'm choking!

Beavis: Yeah, so. What do you want me to do about it?

Butt-head: Call 911!

Beavis: Why don't you call? You're closer.”
— Beavis & Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 5: Choke
“[laughs while reading a label of superglue] It says "Use on wood."”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 5: Beard Boys
“[laughs while reading a label of superglue] It says "Use on wood."”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 5: Beard Boys
“[watching a Violent Femmes video] I don't understand what the big deal is about breaking up. I'd just be like "Hey baby, get lost. We can still do it and stuff, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 5: Held Back
“Butt-head: Uhhhh... I'm, like, angry at numbers.

Beavis: Yeah, there's like, too many of them and stuff.”
— Beavis & Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 5: Held Back
“Butt-head: Uhhhh... I'm, like, angry at numbers.

Beavis: Yeah, there's like, too many of them and stuff.”
— Beavis & Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 5: Held Back
“I bet they put all the stuff that sucks on in the morning, just to, like, get us to go to school.”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: Manners Suck
Tagged: Television, Morning TV
“I bet they put all the stuff that sucks on in the morning, just to, like, get us to go to school.”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: Manners Suck
Tagged: Television, Morning TV
“[Beavis and Butt-head are pitching a show idea to Mr. Van Driessen]

Mr. Van Driessen: Now, I'm sure you have a fantastic concept. I'm going to close my eyes, and I want you to wow me.

Butt-head: ...Uh, is that allowed on school property?”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: Late Night with Butt-head
“[watching a Radiohead music video] Sometimes, if I have a boner that won't go down, I listen to this kind of music.”
— Beavis, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: Blackout!
“[watching a Radiohead music video] Sometimes, if I have a boner that won't go down, I listen to this kind of music.”
— Beavis, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: Blackout!
“[watching a Morrissey music video] Get off the ground and stop whining, you wuss!”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: Blackout!
“[watching a Morrissey music video] Get off the ground and stop whining, you wuss!”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: Blackout!
“I'm gonna get a tattoo of a butt!”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 3: Most Wanted
“Voice on T.V. Ad: [on T.V.] Imagine yourself, your own finger, luxuriously touched with the new karat gold Cubic Zerconium.

Beavis: [on the phone] hello, yeah, I'd like to order one of those... Pubic... Zercroniums.”
— Beavis, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 3: Plate Frisbee
“[while watching the video to Bananarama's "Venus] These chicks should marry GWAR.”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 3: Beavis and Butt-head Meet God
“Beavis: Hey, where's the TV?

God: TV is the devil's tool.

Butt-Head: Yeah, where is it?”
— Beavis & Butthead, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 3: Beavis and Butt-head Meet God
“This bowling ball isn't human! It doesn't feel pain! It can't be reasoned with!”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 3: Ball Breakers
“Y'know, like, this band sucks. But it's like, they suck like, in new ways, y'know. Like, they suck in ways we haven't, like, seen stuff suck before.”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 3: Ball Breakers
“Beavis: I hope there's a human head inside!

Butt-head: Yeah. Or maybe a human butt.”
— Beavis & Butthead, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 3: Ball Breakers
“[while watching a KISS video]

You know, these guys are pretty cool for a bunch of mimes.”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 2: The Butt-Head Experience
“Everybody thinks babies are cute. Well they're not so cute when they are yours, I'll tell you that right now! Crapping and puking all over you! They cost a damn fortune to feed and all they do is make your life a misery, just like what you're doing to your parents right now!”
— Coach Buzzcut, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 2: Baby Makes Uh, Three
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