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Steve Carell Quotes

Total quotes: 112
“I didn't invent extracurricular sex. ”
— Mitch Kessler, The Morning Show, Season 1: In the Dark Night of the Soul It's Always 3
Tagged: Invent, Sex, Sassy
“I don’t think you can save people. I’m done.”
— David Sheff, Beautiful Boy
Tagged: Sad, saving people, Giving Up, Out Of Your Control
“He’s gonna die even if we help. Nothing we do has any effect on him. I failed.”
— David Sheff, Beautiful Boy
Tagged: Giving Up
“All I can tell you is what you already know. Call your sponsor. Get help. I love you and I hope you get your life together.”
— David Sheff, Beautiful Boy
Tagged: Drugs, Drug Addiction
“Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly, we didn't connect, I was miserable. Now, I am in the best relationship of my life, with the same woman. Love is a mystery.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 3: The Job
Tagged: Bad Relationships, Love is a mystery
“I guess I’ve been working so hard, I forgot what it’s like to be hardly working.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: Training Day
Tagged: Working Hard or Hardly Working, Working Hard, Hardly Working
“You cheated on me? When I specifically asked you not to?”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 4: Goodbye, Toby
Tagged: Cheating, Don't Cheat
“When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this was before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture, of a horse, that could fly over rainbows, and a had a huge spike in its head. I was five! Five-years-old. Couldn't even talk yet.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 4: Local Ad
Tagged: Unicorns, Young Mind
“ Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it, but, basically, you make someone think the opposite of what you believe. And that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 2: Christmas Party
Tagged: reverse psychology, Psychology
“I had a great summer. I got west nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. And I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected. Even though I peed on it...”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: Nepotism
Tagged: Summertime Fun
“Jim: Wow it's a little early for ice cream don't you think?

Michael: It's never too early for ice cream, Jim. But we didn't have any ice cream, so this is mayonnaise and black olives. It's comfort food, alright?”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 6: The Cover-Up
Tagged: It's Never Too Early For Ice Cream, comfort food
“Jim: What'd you do, Prison Mike?

Michael: I stole...and I robbed...and I kidnapped the president's son...and held him for ransom.


Jim: That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike.


Michael: And I never got caught neither.


Jim: Well, you were in prison, but..mhm.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 3: The Convict
Tagged: Prison Mike, Prison
“I am a theatrical person. Growing up I always thought I would become an actor, because, I have these memorization tricks that I use. For instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance by singing it to the tune of Old Macdonald: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America / And to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God. / With a woof woof here and a woof woof there, here a woof, there a woof, everywhere a woof woof.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 5: Lecture Circuit
Tagged: Pledge of Allegiance, Theatrics, actor, Singing
“Ok, too many different words from coming at me from too many different sentences.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 6: Mafia
Tagged: Confusion, Talking Too Much
“Ryan: Did this happen on company property?

Michael: It was on company property, with company property. So, double jeopardy, we're fine.


Ryan: I don't think-- I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.


Michael: Oh, I'm sorry. What is, 'we're fine'?”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 4: Fun Run
Tagged: Jeopardy, I'm Fine
“Hi, I'm Date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 6: Happy Hour
Tagged: Dating, Bad Dates
“Oh, look! A Sbarro. My favorite New York pizza joint. And I'm going to go get me a New York slice!”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 2: Valentine's Day
Tagged: New york Pizza, New York City
“Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square... named for the good times you have when you're in it.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 2: Valentine's Day
Tagged: Times Square, New York City
“I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 4: Money
Tagged: Responsibilities, Running Away From Your Problems
“I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. It's every parents' dream.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 9: Finale
Tagged: Marriage, Growing Up, wedding
“I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 2: Office Olympics
Tagged: early bird, night owl, Early Bird Gets The Worm
“Michael: You wanna hear a lie?

Toby: What?

Michael: I... think you're great. You're my best friend.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 5: Frame Toby
Tagged: Liar, Best Friends
“I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 5: Stress Relief
Tagged: I Don't Know What To Do
“I'm going to find moral redemption at the roulette table.”
— Mark Baum, The Big Short
Tagged: moral redemption, roulette table
“We're going to wait and we're going to wait and we're going to wait until they feel the pain, until they start to bleed.”
— Mark Baum, The Big Short
Tagged: Waiting, Pain, Bleed
“And I'm getting madder and madder and I ask this guy how he sleeps at night knowing he's ripping off working people and he just leaves. He doesn't say a word. He just walks away from the lunch. So am I fucked up or is he?”
— Mark Baum, The Big Short
Tagged: fucked up, madder
“Short everything that man has touched.”
— Mark Baum, The Big Short
Tagged: stock trading, short sell
“I have a feeling in a few years people are going to be doing what they always do when the economy tanks. They will be blaming immigrants and poor people.”
— Mark Baum, The Big Short
Tagged: bad economy, Xenophobia, blame the poor
“We live in an era of fraud in America. Not just in banking, but in government, education, religion, food, even baseball... What bothers me ins't that fraud is not nice. Or that fraud is mean. For fifteen thousand years, fraud and shortsighted thinking have never, ever worked. Not once. Eventually you get caught, things go south. When the hell did we forget all that? I thought we were better than this, I really did.”
— Mark Baum, The Big Short
Tagged: Fraud, America, Religion, Government, baseball
“Evan Baxter: I can't shave. Whenever I shave it just grows back!

Marty: That's what happens when you shave. But then you shave again!”
— Evan Baxter, Evan Almighty
Tagged: shaving
“Evan Baxter: These birds had a big meal earlier.

Rita: Want me to get my BB gun?”
— Evan Baxter, Evan Almighty
Tagged: Birds, Meal, BB Gun
“Make thee an ark of gopherwood. Gopherwood?”
— Evan Baxter, Evan Almighty
Tagged: God, Bible, Gopherwood
“Ark Reporter: What makes you think God chose you?

Evan Baxter: He chose all of us.”
— Evan Baxter, Evan Almighty
Tagged: God, Predestination
“Joan Baxter: Honey, maybe God didn't mean a literal flood. Maybe he meant a flood of knowledge, or emotion, or awareness.

Evan Baxter: If that's true, I am going to be so pissed.”
— Evan Baxter, Evan Almighty
Tagged: biblical literalism, Noah, God, Flood, Pissed
“Oh, this is gonna feel so good getting this thing off my chest... that's what she said.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: Goodbye, Michael
Tagged: That's What She Said, Inappropriate Joke, Relieved, goodbye, Last Lines
“I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although I've only seen 'Antz.' But I'll tell you something, what I respect about that man is that when he was going through all of that stuff that came out in the press, about how 'Antz' was just a ripoff of 'A Bug's Life,' he stayed true to his films. Or at least the film that I saw, which, again, was 'Antz.' Thing is, I thought 'A Bug's Life' was better, much better than 'Antz.' Point is, don't listen to your critics. Listen to your fans.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: Threat Level Midnight
Tagged: Movie, Woody Allen, awkward, controversial, ripoff, Critics, Fans, Bad Advice
“The world sends people your way. Ryan came to me through a temp agency. Andy was transferred here. No idea where Creed came from. The point is, you just have to play with the cards that you're dealt. Jim, that guy is an Ace. Dwight is my King up my sleeve. Phyllis is my Old Maid. Oscar is my Queen. That's easy. Give me a hard one. That's what Oscar said. Toby is the Instruction Card you throw away, Pam is a solid 7, and you know, Ryan is probably like a 2. Sometimes 2s can be wild, so watch out. And I'm obviously the Joker.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: WUPHF.com
Tagged: cards, Business, Wild Card, Joker, Analogy, humor, Insulting
“If you break that girl's heart, I will kill you. That's just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl's heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family.”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: Viewing Party
Tagged: Threat, Murder, Kill, Heartbreak, Warning, humor, Literally
“Hi Holly, it's Michael. I just wanted to call and let you know that I was thinking about what you said, it's just... you know? It's weird, today I ended up seeing a lot of the women that I used to date, and in my mind they were all great, and then when I actually saw them it was mostly a freak show. And you and me, that must've been a real train wreck. You know what? Holly, you're wrong. You are wrong. I remember every second of us, and talking to you today, I-don't-feel for them anything like what I feel for you. It's... I didn't joke with any of them, I joked with you, you were the only one who was actually happy to hear from me, and I don't know why you downgraded what we had, but I did not make us up. Ok. Oh, and you might... you should talk to a doctor because you might have herpes. Bye!”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: Sex Ed
Tagged: Phone Call, message, humor, Sad, Break Up, The One, Freak Show, Train Wreck, Herpes
“Gabe Lewis: Michael, you've just physically assaulted an employee. Can we talk in private?

Michael Scott: Yes. Of course. What's this in reference to?”
— Michael Scott, The Office, Season 7: Nepotism
Tagged: Assault, Work, Employees, punishment, humor, awkward, Dense
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